Psychic Predictions for the Year 2016
by Brabara Bloodstone
|Brabara Bloodstone, shown here ordering a pizza without the use of her psychic powers|
This is the time of year for spiritual renewal, just as the Earth's magnetic aura balances itself in preparation for another trip around the Sun. Seeing the future allows me to shed my astral skin like a snake sheds its actual skin, and I emerge reinvigorated. Like the time I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. I feared something terrible had happened that day, and it did, 34 years and 5 months later on 9/11.
Sadly, I can't always prevent the disasters, or aid the advances, that I see in my psychic visions. I am as much a passenger on the unseen currents of the river of time as everyone else. The only difference is that I can sense even the most subtle changes in the direction of its flow, like when I foretold the coming of Winter and the scourge of the White Walkers.
Here are my top twenty predictions for 2016:
Health and Medicine
1. The common cold will finally be conquered in 2016, not with antibiotics or a new vaccine but by using a gravitational device discovered during an excavation of the Egyptian pyramids. Suppressed by the pharmaceutical industry, the device will be placed in an unmarked box, one of thousands like it in a secret government warehouse.
2. The CDC and WHO will announce new guidelines for the diagnosis and management of fetal chronic fatigue syndrome. This will result in the next step in human evolution and, ultimately, the beginning of the end of the human race.
|An infant born with fetal chronic fatigue syndrome despite aggressive prenatal interventions, shown here just seconds before being euthanized|
4. A simple dietary modification will be shown to reduce the incidence of heart disease but will have a disastrous impact on global climate change because of a significant increase in the amount of methane and carbon dioxide released into the atmosphere.
Culture and Society
5. Reality television programming will become increasingly popular. In order to satisfy the nation's voyeuristic lust, President Trump will sign an executive order removing all rights to privacy. Cameras will be installed in every home. As Summer draws to an end, the first gladiator style fights to the death will take place at federal prisons in order to satiate a desensitized public.
6. The east wall of the Boston Globe headquarters will take home the Academy Award for Best Supporting Structure in a Motion Picture for its role in Spotlight.
|The Oscar winning facade, shown here right before accepting a role in President Trump's biopic "He Built the Wall"|
8. Marvel Studios will release its first pornographic superhero film. It will be the highest grossing superhero porn since Stan Lee's 1957 sex tape where he wore a Spider-Man costume with a hole in the crotch.
Sports and Recreation
9. The New England Patriots will once again win the Superbowl in 2016, narrowly defeating the New Orleans Saints, who despite not making the playoffs will reach the championship after all the other teams eat at a Chipotle.
10. What the hell is lacrosse?
|What is going on? Is it me? It's not me, right? It makes no sense.|
12. Milwaukee Brewers outfielder Shane Peterson will win the Arthur Ashe Courage Award for his outspoken support of athletes suffering with ingrown toenails.
13. We will see a resurgence of wild fish populations once the tuna begin harvesting humans.
|A yellowfin tuna, photographed mere moments before decapitating a fisherman with its powerful caudal fin, thus beginning a bloody fight for survival between the scombrid and hominid families|
15. Californians will stop whining about their drought as the Golden State slips violently into the Pacific ocean on April 23rd.
16. In December of 2016, a powerful coronal mass ejection from the Sun will wipe out all satellites and ground based communication capabilities on the Earth. Forced to rely on clumsy lead and ink based writing devices and pressed wood pulp, new laws will be enacted that make cursive illegal and the use of punctuation and full sentences punishable by death.
17. Although it will fail to win in the general election, the Dembot 3000, a last minute replacement for Hillary Clinton after she is revealed to be a killer robot from the future, will complete its mission and kill Rand Paul in order to prevent his great-granddaughter from building the Dembot 3000, thus saving Christmas.
|Dembot 2000 "Hillary Clinton", shown here at the exact moment she is revealed to be a killer robot from the future when there is a malfunction in its voice modulator|
18. Advances in smart home technology will result in the fully operational artificial intelligence programming that will control all aspects of day-to-day life by early Spring, meaning that the majority of children born in 2016 will never know life without the fear of being assimilated into the core processing matrix.
19. Disregarding all concerns of safety and ethics, Proctor and Gamble will introduce the Gillette Cosmos. The patented Quantaglide technology will involve coating each blade with a mixture of strangelets and microscopic black holes. The black holes will lift even the toughest beards away from the face, allowing contact with the strangelets. A catastrophic chain reaction will then occur that will utterly destroy each hair.
20. The Vatican will be forced to reveal that Pope Francis is actually just three kids standing on each other's shoulders and wearing papal vestments.