Saturday, February 27, 2016

Local Man Outraged Over Food and Wine Pairing.....

Diggens, TX-Dave Catania, a long time wine enthusiast, has expressed outraged over wine waiter Franz Chaubert's pairing suggestions for his appetizer and main entree last night at a local Sizzler Steakhouse restaurant.

Diggens native Dave Catania, shown here mere moments before initiating a cosmic chain of events that will culminate in the bloody end of all mankind
"The sushi was served with a 2003 Riesling that was far too sweet," Catania explained. "My scallops were served with a Chardonnay that was just insulting. Sure it was drinkable, but severely over-oaked. And the lamb came with a Syrah that tasted like the chef added raspberry syrup to it. I'm simply not going to stand for this kind of treatment, which is why I've filed a grievance with the Court of Master Sommeliers."

Master Sommelier Doug Frost, a member of the Court of Master Sommeliers (CMS) and widely considered to be America's foremost expert on pairing wine with food, was formally presented a copy of the grievance in the secret underground Fortress of Sommeliers earlier today. "This is what we, the members of the Court of Master Sommeliers and protectors of mankind, have been dreading for decades. A weak and uninspired list of pairings such as this is a clear sign that the events of the great prophecy are finally at hand. We will do what we can to save humanity from the upcoming horrors, but even the combined powers of the Court of Master Sommeliers may not be enough."

Saturday, February 20, 2016

Experts Warn Parents to Avoid Black Market Ultra Absorbent Diapers.....

Irving, TX- Citing new researcher from the Kimberly-Clark Institute for Applied Absorbency (IAA), authorities are warning parents to avoid black market ultra absorbent diapers available for sale online and from disreputable brick-and-mortar sources in a growing number of U.S. cities.

A toddler, shown here wearing an ultra absorbent black market diaper mere seconds before collapsing to the ground in a pile of bone dust, teeth, nails, and hair
"This is a serious issue that parents and pediatric healthcare professionals need to be aware of," Kimberly-Clark CEO Thomas J. Falk explained. "When we tested one in the lab, we were like, this can't be happening. But it was. It's true. All of it. The diapers, the insane absorbency, they're real."

Thanks to the team at IAA, federal authorities may finally have a smoking gun in their investigation of a growing number of infant and toddler disappearances over the past several months. Lead IAA researcher Hanz Gladstone believes that the illegal ultra absorbent diapers are so powerful that children are being literally absorbed to death. "Around the lab we refer to the diaper's wetness indicator as the blue line of doom. A postdoc lost a hand just trying to put one on a research mannequin."

Mort Fishman, MD, FAAP, chair of the American Academy of Pediatrics' Section on Infantile Incontinence, is calling for the media to help raise awareness of the nasty nappies. "Parents should only purchase Federal Diaper Association approved products. They should never sacrifice the safety of their children for the siren call of a dry baby bottom."

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Sorghum Still Least Popular Grain in Key Tween Demographic.....

Omaha, Nebraska- Since reporting on the last American Grain Popularity Index (AGPI) survey in 2007, not much has changed for the beleaguered sorghum industry. The ten-year survey, an assessment of attitudes towards and frequency of use of various grains sent to all children ages 9 to 13 years living in the United States, has once again revealed sorghum to be the least popular cereal crop among preteens and adolescents. In contrast to it's rock bottom popularity in the U.S. however, sorghum continues to be an extremely important cereal crop internationally, with over 440,000 square kilometers devoted to its production.

Even Anne Hathaway, shown here filming an ad for sorghum's "It Probably Tastes Fine!" campaign, wasn't able to boost its sagging popularity among tweens
"Let's just say that the sorghum industry did not see this coming," recently elected Sorghum Council representative Anderson Sawyer explained. "It's disheartening to see all of our hard work, not to mention the monetary investment, fail so completely. It's time to regroup and come up with a fresh approach."

It's Déjà vu for the sorghum industry as once again experts in the field of marketing and crop psychology are claiming that a complete retooling of the grain's image is necessary to improve mind and market share. Grain analyst Null Smith is skeptical that it will ever be possible for sorghum to compete with leaders in preadolescent popularity like buckwheat and millet, or even with spelt, a surprising newcomer to the top five most popular whole grains. "They are going to need something big. I'm talking Adele announcing that she gargles sorghum syrup to soothe her sore throat. Or maybe a sex tape with what's his name. The guy with the hair. You know, the black one."

Saturday, February 6, 2016

Adrian Brody Announces Endorsement of Syntech Chemical.....

Houston, TX-In a press conference held today at Syntech Chemical's Global Headquarters, Oscar winner Adrien Brody announced his full endorsement of the companies vision for the future.

Oscar winner Adrien Brody, shown above with arms folded and lightly mussed hair, rarely endorses products.

"From simple reactions to multi-step batch reactions, Syntech Chemical is committed to delivering a quality product, on time, and to precise performance specifications," Brody, the star of such films as Jailbreakers and King Kong stated. "I don't trust anyone but Syntech for my centrifugations, distillations, tolling, vacuum and other chemical processes!"

Syntech Vice-President James Gordon remarked "This really is a shock. We didn't go to Mr. Brody, he came to us. We had no idea he was such a fan of our work. Robert Downey Jr. sure, but this was honestly a big surprise for all of us. I haven't seen that piano movieWas it any good?"

Wednesday, February 3, 2016

5 Mind Blowing Behind-the-Scenes Facts about Scrubs!.....

Think You'll Never Watch Scrubs! the Same Way Again? Probably After Reading This!

Scrubs!, an immensely popular Peabody Award winning television series that ran for 9 critically noticed seasons, still has legions of devoted fans. And thanks to streaming services like Netflix, Amazon Prime, CloudDump, Streamflush, Faceblast, and Eyescraper, so-called Scrubheads! can watch their favorite show for hours at a time, urinating in buckets and living off of couch crumbs and leftover packets of duck sauce. But even the most hardcore fans will be amazed by these five behind-the-scenes revelations!

The original cast of Scrubs!, shown here right before transmorphing into their Power Scrub battle suits, was replaced after the pilot was picked up by NBC.

1. Scrubs!, though based on the inner workings of a real hospital and the day-to-day lives of typical staff, is actually fictional. The doctors, nurses and other hospital staff are played by actors and actresses. But did you know that the patients were shipped over from nearby Ronald Reagan UCLA Medical Center in order to give a sense of urgency and realism to the production. Zach Braff has described the show as "an exploration of the true nature of human suffering and the inner turmoil of a group of people without any real attachments to each other or the world around them, essentially serving as a suicide note for mankind." Hilarious but true!

2. You've probably seen the show's famous catch phrase, "Hey, give me back my scrubs you dummy!", on tee-shirts or on signs at political protests. But did you know that it happened by accident? According to show creator Bill Lawrence, it was never even in the script! "One day John C. McGinley realized that an extra had accidentally picked up his scrubs. So he just starts wailing on the guy and screaming for him to give his scrubs back. I don't think the poor bastard ever regained consciousness but he was one of those orphans owned by the studio so we all had a good laugh." Now that's a spicy meatball!

Neil Flynn, shown here performing a scene from his off-Broadway one-man show Man in Chair
3. The fan favorite character portrayed by veteran comic actor Neil Flynn, indirectly referred to as "Diamond Jim" throughout the show's run, wasn't originally intended to be J.D.'s real father. Flynn revealed the original plan for the role in his recently published autobiography, I Am Diamond Jim. "The first day on set they have me in this Janitor outfit, and I'm like what if I'm really J.D.'s long lost father AND the janitor?" You can say that again!

4. Who can forget season 4's very special episode on teen drinking and driving? But did you know that it was special for another reason, one that was only recently revealed on Lifetown's "The Unapproved Story of Scrubs! Episode I: The Omega Protocol?" The episode, directed by none other than Scrubs! own Donald Faison ("Turf"), was written by Scrubhead! and former Vice President of the United States Dick Cheney. Faison revealed, "If you look closely in the scene where robot Elliot disembowels the Megaraptor, Cheney can be seen peeking out from behind the leaves of a potted ficus tree." Only on television!

Actress Judy Reyes, shown here holding the Vessel of Azolgoth
5. Everyone knows about the backwards title sequence chest x-ray and the weekly human sacrifices to appease the Demon Lord Azolgoth, but did you know that each and every episode of Scrubs! contains secret hidden messages designed to hasten the apocalypse. Sad sack lawyer Ted Buckland, played by twins Sam and Chris Evert-Lloyd, wrote about the role of Scrubs! in the eventual demise of man in their children's novel, The Tickle Fairies' Blood Pact. "If you take every sixth letter of every sixth word of every sixth episode, it spells out the incantation to be spoken during the Azolgoth's awakening ceremony." That's the fleek!

Monday, February 1, 2016

Dangerous "Kinesio Tape Challenge" Increasing in Popularity Among Teen Boys.....

Lindon, UT- The latest viral internet stunt sweeping the nation, known as the "Kinesio Tape Challenge," has left one teenage boy severely injured and fighting for his life.

McHuggins, shown here all messed up by a catastrophic reaction to an unprofessional application of Kinesio Tape

"They think it's just harmless fun," physical therapist and Certified Kinesio Taping Practitioner Dirk LaGrange CKTP explained. "But large numbers of adolescents are putting their health at risk when they apply Kinesio Tape technology to themselves or their friends without proper training or supervision."

When Gundar McHuggins Jr., a 15-year-old sophomore at Lindon High, allowed a friend to carelessly apply hundreds of strips of the powerful tape to his extremities and torso, he only expected to experience few laughs. They even filmed the stunt for uploading to the YouTube. But instead of an afternoon of fun, the camera captured a young man's fight to survive.

McHuggins, once haphazardly covered in the tape, began to show signs of problems almost immediately according to expert analysis of the video by LaGrange. He pointed out that the signs can be subtle at first, but eventually even the untrained eye can pick up on more overt evidence of a dangerous reaction. "Right at about the 30-second mark you see Gundar begin to look fatigued and his respiration is slower, deeper, and more forceful. A few minutes later he's on the ground, violently seizing, and the lower part of his body is swollen almost beyond recognition."

According to experts like LaGrange, Kinesio Tape is far more than just fancy elastic athletic tape. Properly applied strips, which come in variety of vibrant colors, can support injured musculature and reduce fatigue. It can even improve lymphatic drainage and reduce inflammation. The first thing is good and the second is really, really bad. It works using the power of proprioception, a neuromuscular feedback system in the body, and helps injured muscles relax while at the same time encouraging healthy muscles to work harder. It's amazing!

When a professional applies the tape, exact placement is key to the widespread anecdotal reports of benefit. Strips must align perfectly with the targeted muscles and the direction of lymph flow. Improper placement can restrict muscle movement and impair drainage. McHuggins was nearly suffocated when he struggled to breath against the force of the Kinesio Tape strips scattered over his chest and back, and he suffered nearly complete lymph obstruction in his lower extremities, essentially an acute form of elephantiasis. Although he is now stable on a breathing machine, doctors say that he may require several operations to fully restore lymphatic flow and prevent chronic severe swelling of his legs and feet.

Gundar's mother is warning parents about the risk of Kinesio Tape. She believes that the tape should be kept out of the reach of small children and that families who keep it in the home should have frank discussions about its risks as well as a safety plan. "This is a medical tool and it has risk. It has the ability to improve the lives of millions, perhaps even billions of people, but used incorrectly it can ruin lives too."