Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Area Parents Struggle to Discuss Trump Victory with Young Democrats.....

Brookline, MA-  Many Clinton supporting Brookline toddlers awoke to the shocking news of a Trump victory today, leaving their parents burdened with the challenge of calming their fears and guiding them through a complex discussion of an uncertain future.

Parents Dawn and Felipe Ramirez, shown here holding a framed image of their unborn fetus captured at the exact moment he was told that Trump had won the election

"My sweet, innocent 4-year-old daughter awoke in a new country this morning," Brookline parent Allysa Hightower explained. "I sobbed that Trump had won and that the country was falling apart and she cried in desperate solidarity, joining me in anguish over the choices of our electorate. The video I made already has over two hundred Likes on Facebook!"

Pediatric mental health professionals, like Mort Fishman MD from the Center for Politically Conscious Preschoolers, are calling on parents of so-called "nasty toddlers" to handle any discussions of the election in a reassuring and thoughtful manner. He recommends the use of child-friendly communication tools like Play-Doh or hand puppets in order to help young children to fully grasp the consequences of the election and the now unavoidable hellscape of Trump's America. "The toddlers have it rough, but I really feel bad for the unborn Clinton supporters who have been apprised of the election results but have no means of communicating their fears outside of facial expressions or at best a rudimentary form of Morse code."

Friday, November 4, 2016

New Hospital Infection Control Guidelines Recommend Single-Use Therapy Dogs.....

Arlington, VA- The Infectious Diseases Society of America (IDSA) has issued a new set of guidelines for the prevention of hospital acquired infections that includes the recommendation that all hospitals transition to single-use therapy dogs by 2020.

Single-use therapy dog Thomas Cavendish, shown here mere moments before incineration

"The IDSA understands and appreciates the joy that a visit from a therapy dog can bring to a hospitalized patient," IDSA President William G. Powderly explained. "Our new guidelines allow for both high quality infection control and snuggling with an adorable canine companion. In fact, that's one of our core values."

While the majority of American hospitals do not currently use disposable therapy dogs, some have been stocking them for years. Mort Fishman MD, Chief of Infection Control and Prevention at Our Lady of the Bloated Coffers Regional Medical Center in Lafayette, Louisiana, initiated a move to single-use dogs in 2012. "It cost us $73 million to expand storage and upgrade disposal capabilities, but it was worth it after that unfortunate autoclave incident."