Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Study Reveals New Stage of Development in Elderly.....

Cambridge, MA- A new trend is emerging, and for once it doesn't involve millennial date-sharing apps or the Kardashian's new line of cosmetic cervical caps. A recent study from AARP, Inc. has revealed that an increasing number of older Americans are taking part in a previously unheard of stage of development that experts are calling Elderly-onset transchronia (EOT). Social media, as is often the case, has boiled this complex concept down into its more meme friendly essence: "infanting".

A 72-year-old retired accountant demonstrating Stage 3 adult-onset transchronia

"This is a previously unheard of stage of development," developmental geriatrician Mort Fishman, MD explained. "For every adulting 22-year-old graduate student learning to do laundry for the first time or how to get a passport, I'm seeing a retired neurosurgeon sucking their thumb and putting on their first diaper in decades."

Elderly-onset transchronia, like the midlife crisis in younger adults, involves a transition of identity, likely in response to stressful life events or perhaps a growing awareness of their own mortality. The midlife crisis often presents as depression, anxiety, or an intense desire to make lifestyle changes in an attempt to recapture lost youth, but it can be benign and it tends to resolve. EOT, however, results in an increasingly focused obsession with living life as an infant that persists until death.

Transchronia in the elderly appears to go through several stages of increasingly infantile behavior. According to Fishman, the first stage is often very subtle, with the development of stranger anxiety or an infatuation with a set of jingling house keys. "By stage 3, bowel and bladder control has been lost and a diaper is required. At stage 7, object permanence is lost. At stage 9, driving may no longer be safe."

Friday, March 17, 2017

Area Middle School Student Council President Signs Executive Order to Investigate Cootie Shot Safety.....

Spearfish, SD- Spearfish Middle School student council president Chance Tater, keeping a promise made during a contentious campaign last Fall, has signed an executive order establishing a Cootie Shot Safety Commission.

President Tater, shown here wearing a dress shirt, tie, khaki cargo shorts and sandals with socks to prom.

"I have had concerns regarding the safety of the cootie shot for years," Tater, an 8th grade student who loves playing basketball and hopes to see a girls boob at camp over the Summer, explained during 3rd period Social Studies. "I had two friends who totally changed after getting a booster at recess during 6th grade orientation. I couldn't hang out with them anymore. And one of them had a pool at their house!"

Tater further announced during an emergency recess press conference held in the cafeteria today that he would be putting school food service assistant Carl, a 62-year-old lifelong Spearfish resident and three-time alien abductee, in charge of the commission. Carl, who has questioned the need for a cootie shot in past, offered an award to any student who could prove beyond even the slightest doubt that the cootie shot is completely safe. "If they can do it, I'll let them into the cafeteria storage room for fifteen minutes, alone, and no questions asked."

Not everyone at Spearfish Middle is pleased with the president's agenda. Principle Don Lyon, a firm believer in the safety, efficacy, and need for the cootie shot, remembers a time when cooties was rampant among the student population. "I normally wouldn't interfere with student politics. They need to learn. But this is the same guy who accused the guidance counselor of leaking his transcript to the Spearfish Student Gazette. Let's just say that President Tater should get used to being in the 8th grade."

Friday, January 6, 2017

Five More Dead in Latest Puppy Fever Outbreak.....

Belvidere, NE- Health officials are warning Belvidere residents to avoid pet stores, dog parks, and even dog friendly businesses as the number of deaths related to puppy fever has increased by five to over ninety people since the first case was reported in early December.

Area puppy Chester Ruffington III, shown wrapped in a light blue baby blanket and gloating over the death of his latest victim, may be the worst serial killer in Thayer county history.
"This is the worst public health disaster in Thayer county in decades," Thayer County Health Officer Mort Fishman, MD explained. "I've seen the bodies, many of which are children. Dead children whose little hearts were full of love for these God damned puppies. Love and clotted blood. It's the clotted blood that actually killed them, but the love was there."

Despite the casualties, twelve of which occurred during a therapy dog visit to the Shady Acres Home for Wayward Tots and Teens (formerly Shady Acres Correctional Facility for Wayward Youth), Belvidere mayor Spooner Jenkins has asked that residents remain calm. According to Mayor Jenkins, the town has faced hardship in the past and persevered. "I certainly don't want to downplay the deaths of so many of our beloved townspeople, but this is why you aren't supposed to feed them after midnight. Or was that the gremlins. I can't keep up."




Tuesday, January 3, 2017

Creole Climatologists Reveal Shocking New Data on Atmospheric Tony Chachere Levels.....

New Orleans, LA- Experts at the New Orleans Department of Creole Climatology (NODCC) have announced that for the first time since data collection began in 1972, South Louisiana atmospheric levels of Tony Chachere's Original Creole Seasoning did not dip below 400 ppm during 2016.

Pirogue Turducken, the South Louisiana Regional Campaign Coordinator for TroisCentCinquante.org and First Chair accordion in the Mamou Chamber Orchestra, shown here looking longingly out into the crowd
"Typically we see an atmospheric nadir during peak crawfish boil season in mid to late Spring," Creole climatologist and NODCC Chief Mirliton Gauthier explained. "That's when large amounts of the naturally occurring blend of flavorful spices are bound up by crawfish, corn on the cob, new red potatoes, sausage, and maybe a few pounds of boiled gulf shrimp. Aw, cher. Ca c'est bon!"

Not everyone thinks that rising Tony Chachere levels are a reason to panic, however. File' Boudin Prejean Jr., lead strategist at the Thibodeaux, LA branch of the Cateaux Institute, is calling for government leaders in South Louisiana to avoid rushing into any decisions. "The levels are rising, I can't deny that. But this is a complicated process with many factors playing a role, from the recent historic floods to the Saint's defense this year. Hasty policy changes are not the answer."

Monday, January 2, 2017

Area Animal Shelter to Execute One Dog Every Hour Unless Adoption Demands are Met.....

Lafayette, LA- Bayou Vermilion Animals-N-Need, a non-profit animal shelter serving the people of Lafayette and St. Martin parishes since 1981, and operated by the Fido's Friends Network, has announced that they will execute one dog every hour starting tomorrow at 8 a.m. and continuing until all remaining dogs are either dead or adopted.

Area puppy Leonard Samuelson, shown here adorably crying out for help from his personal Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, will be executed tomorrow unless adopted by a loving and stable family, preferably without other dogs., by 6 p.m.
"It's certainly a radical departure from the standard approach to encouraging pet adoption," shelter manager Clip Remington explained. "But many of these animals have spent years in the system, and frankly we were out of options after last week's failed Guns for Pups event. Now it's in the hands of the good people of our community to keep these dogs alive. They know how to put an end to this."

The shelter's plan is quickly drawing criticism from animal right's groups around the world. One such group, Animal Autonomy Now (AAN), is calling for an immediate stay of execution. According to AAN president Fran Leafletter, there are more effective ways to promote the assimilation of shelter animals into human society without requiring adoption. "Instead of what is essentially a transfer of ownership without consent of all involved parties, why not set up a mutually agreed upon relationship where the dog provides goods and/or services in exchange for room and board? This is 2017. Dogs can smell cancer now!"