Tuesday, February 27, 2018

Trump Orders Nation's Schools to Form Ragtag Team of Misfits in Case of an Active Shooter.....

Washington, D.C.- In response to mounting concerns over school safety in the wake of the recent mass shooting in Florida, President Trump has issued an Executive Order mandating that all schools form a ragtag team of misfits, each with a unique skill, that could respond to emergencies involving an active shooter.

A team of unlikely heroes from Astoria Middle School, shown here just prior to thwarting the plans of an area crime family 

"You would only need a small team, with a nerd that's good with computers, a chemistry dweeb, an ugly girl who is attractive when you take off her glasses, a mysterious loner with a bad reputation who is secretly sensitive and shy, and maybe a fat kid who is really strong," Trump explained. "These kids are going to be total underdogs and nobody is going to expect them to succeed, but I think that they could end the attack very quickly."

In the order, Trump provided additional details to help schools put together a collection of outcasts in the event of an attack, pointing out several times that the girl on the team should just be movie ugly and not ugly ugly, and that she should have a nice set of hooters and a sweet can that you can really grab a hold of. But some experts, like pediatric trauma surgeon Mort Fishman, are expressing skepticism. "It's a promising idea, but there are some issues that need ironing out before implementation. Will the nerdy kid have a robot sidekick, for example? Will there be enough time for the team to make a plan and prepare their arsenal of traps and makeshift weapons or will they need a montage?"

Tuesday, February 6, 2018

Controversial Super Bowl LII Ad Sparks Ethical Debate Over the Use of Deceased Celebrity Voices.....

Minneapolis, MN- On February 4th, 2018, the Philadelphia Eagles defeated the New England Patriots in Super Bowl LII as over 100 million viewers watched from home or their favorite pub. In typical fashion when it comes to the yearly National Football League championship game, most people tend to discuss the commercials more so than the game itself after the dust has settled. This year is proving to be no exception, and an ethical debate stirred up by Amazon's now infamous Chimpanzee David Bowie ad will almost certainly continue into the foreseeable future.

An adult male Chimpanzee named Goliath, shown here contemplating his role in the downfall of human society, is slated for use as a conduit for the voice of Sarah Silverman

"I honestly didn't think anything of it at first," Black Mirror creator Charlie Booker explained from his orbiting satellite/keeping room. "I assumed it was a CGI chimp and some old recording of Bowie from an interview or something like that. I had no idea that was the real thing."

Booker, who has made a name for himself concocting suspenseful narratives where plausible near future technologies force viewers to examine their own values and explore potential societal pitfalls, wasn't alone. Surveys performed after the big game have shown that an overwhelming majority of viewers were unaware of the reality behind the ad for Amazon's new voice interface options for Alexa, their popular "intelligent personal assistant" technology. In the commercial, which stars Hollywood bad boy Adrien Brody as a fictional talented actor, a live chimpanzee can be seen running a variety of errands and speaking with the voice of David Bowie, who died from liver cancer in January of 2016.

What was kept hidden until now was just how Amazon developed the new Alexa voice options. According to a leaked memo, the process was the culmination of years of dedicated work capped off by recent advancements in 3D printing technology and veterinary surgery. The memo also revealed the names of celebrities and notable political figures short listed for inclusion in the Alexa update.

After disinterring Bowie's corpse, which Amazon owns the rights to, and locating the remnants of his decaying larynx, the research and development team created a model of the vocal apparatus in painstaking detail. Bowie's larynx was then 3D bioprinted using cutting edge biological polymers and surgically grafted into the throat of an adult male chimpanzee. After recovery from the surgery, the chimpanzee was trained to speak a few phrases on command in order to be used in the 30-second ad.

The leaked Amazon memo further details how thousands of chimpanzees will be fitted with various celebrity voice boxes in order to record phrases to be used by Alexa and then sold to zoos and individual collectors. Users will be be able to choose a celebrity voice for their Alexa at an added cost, with options ranging from the bargain bin to elite packages. For example, use of Adrien Brody's voice would likely be very inexpensive or perhaps even free, while purchasing BeyoncĂ©'s voice would likely cost hundreds of dollars. Options involving deceased celebrities would likely cost much more considering the technology required to produce them. Also chimpanzees don't exactly grow on trees, at least not until 2025 according to Amazon.

In addition to animal rights organizations, a number of extant celebrities are up in arms over the thought of having their voice used by Alexa and other future technologies after death. Some, like Hollywood bad boy Jared Leto, who will expire this Summer, are already planning a lawsuit. "The thought of some bored suburban housewife one day asking my disembodied voice to order more toilet paper is going to keep me up at night, at least until August 15th when the Collectors come for me. No, there isn't any point in trying to run. The tracker is lodged deep in my brain."

One potential use of the new voice technology that is unlikely to face legal challenge or ethical scrutiny is more personal. Alexa users will soon have the option of preserving the voice of a beloved family member, as long as their larynx isn't severely damaged by, I don't know, like a wolf or shotgun blast to the face or some shit like that. Who wouldn't, years after the death of their young child, for example, want to be able to ask them what the weather will be like today. I think that dead kid would probably be up in Heaven nodding approvingly. Because Heaven is real and it isn't too late to be saved.

Thursday, February 1, 2018

Area Organization Highlights Subluxation Dangers to Promote Spinal Health Awareness.....

Nashville, TN- The Tennessee Chapter of the Universal Chiropractic Association (T-UCA) has announced plans to highlight the dangers of undiagnosed chronic spinal subluxations during their 2018 Spinal Health Awareness Week, which will run from May 14th though May 20th.

Agnes Grumph, a retired chiropractor from Knoxville and recipient of the T-UCA Lifetime Achievement award, will be sacrificed as tribute to the Innate during the Spinal Health Awareness Week closing ceremony

"The spinal subluxation is one of the most overlooked factors in poor health," chapter president Frank Grimes, DC explained. "You may go years, even decades, thinking that you are fine, and then one day it all falls apart. It makes obesity, smoking, and a sedentary lifestyle look like a day at a yoga retreat."

According to experts like Grimes, a spinal subluxation is a complex of functional and/or structural and/or pathological articular changes that compromise neural integrity. If present, these changes can influence organ system function and even general health by impairing the communication between the brain and every cell in the body. And general health has been implicated in a vast array of medical conditions, from musculoskeletal complaints like acute lower back pain to high blood pressure and even genital scrapies.

The theme of this year's Spinal Health Awareness Week is "Chiropractic - Spinal Subluxations Are Bad? Yes, They Are!" Grimes and the members of the T-UCA chapter hope to educate the public about the dangers of hidden subluxations and the benefit of frequent spinal health examinations starting from an early age. "It's always better to prevent a problem from happening in the first place than to wait until health begins to fail. And there is no better population to focus on than children because they can look forward to decades of optimum health under our care."

Spinal Health Awareness Week will take place at the T-UCA headquarters in Nashville, with a variety of fun and educational activities planned for each day of the event. Chiropractic practices from around Tennessee will take part, setting up booths for educational outreach and providing free food and drinks for visitors. Some local chiropractors will also take part in entertainment activities as well as the ritual sacrifice of Agnes Grumph, winner of the T-UCA award for Lifetime Achievement. The tribute of Grumph's vertebral column, spinal cord, and cerebrospinal fluid to the Innate will ensure another year of access to the healing power of chiropractic adjustments.