tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26589164724932447602024-03-18T06:43:24.959-04:00Knudsen's NewsNobody knows news like Knudsen!Zoo Knudsenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09160853016036288396noreply@blogger.comBlogger813125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2658916472493244760.post-63952365333325803212024-03-11T20:40:00.000-04:002024-03-11T20:40:01.941-04:00Is Anal Candling Right for You?.....<p>Sedona, AZ - More holistic health experts are touting the practice of anal candling, an ancient and popular treatment for constipation and other gut-related health concerns.</p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGAaA1_n27tdAUbe-zuXj2mW_M3ke2BraN0pdrfRrLFN950-zauIYdoQoStCHTQ5dEji8NcGtQLW6btoiJZT5ZQfJd3Cc2Diq2IR3g3-qlFFzBIS240rJ9u5p8IAs66TWFTqRe557YYaBdbYtor-gpQg_p2EZZSh0FuEyMECO0qdQeoDfHbC6N_GFfNr_6/s800/analcandledeath.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="533" data-original-width="800" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGAaA1_n27tdAUbe-zuXj2mW_M3ke2BraN0pdrfRrLFN950-zauIYdoQoStCHTQ5dEji8NcGtQLW6btoiJZT5ZQfJd3Cc2Diq2IR3g3-qlFFzBIS240rJ9u5p8IAs66TWFTqRe557YYaBdbYtor-gpQg_p2EZZSh0FuEyMECO0qdQeoDfHbC6N_GFfNr_6/s320/analcandledeath.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A child, shown here with an anal candle being improperly used in the ear by an unqualified provider and just prior to his painful death as a result of what experts refer to as "a brain geyser"</td></tr></tbody></table><p>"Thermo-Rectal therapy with candles dates back to the times of the Egyptians, Romans, and Greeks," Dr. Robert Bibby, medical director at Aspen of Hollywood Celebrity Holistic Health Clinic in Sedona and certified anal candling provider, explained. "Some research even suggests that the first anal candlers were the Native American Hopi Indian tribe of North Arizona, who relied on the them for health of the distal colon and to promote emotional and spiritual well-being." </p><p>Anal candles are traditionally made by rolling unbleached muslin cloth into a hollow cone and then coating it with wax, similar to how an ear candle is made, though they are typically much more powerful. The pointed end of the candle is gently inserted a few inches past the anus and the other end is lit. Proponents of the therapy claim that anal candles are more comfortable and less expensive than conventional enemas in which a liquid is forced into the rectum.</p><p>As with ear candles, the proposed mechanism behind the benefit of the anal version is the creation of a vacuum. According to Bibby, smoke from the burning candle travels into the rectum that warms and softens fecal matter. "The suction and vibration from the flame dislodge the warm stool and other foreign debris and pulls it into the anal candle, which many patients report as being a rather pleasant sensation. Some come back weekly to stay ahead of the constipation."</p><p>Another proposed benefit from anal candling is an improvement in overall gut health. This is believed to come from the heat entering the rectum, which increases blood flow both to and from the surrounding tissue. Improved circulation helps to remove excess toxin build up and restore important digestive function to the distal colon. Bibby believes that regular anal candling can improve lymphatic flow throughout the body, balance emotions, and help manage even severe and chronic foggy bottom. </p><p>Anal candling is a procedure that requires trust between both a patient and a provider. Bibby stressed the importance of finding a fully certified practitioner. "If somebody thinks that they can just shove an ear candle up your ass, you might want to look elsewhere. They just don't create the kind of suction force that you need. Ask them about their wax options and if they use non-GMO cotton. What scents are available? Are they certified organic essential oils? Are the matches used to light the candle made by a loving hand using blessed poplar wood or mass produced in some factory? These things really matter."</p>Zoo Knudsenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09160853016036288396noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2658916472493244760.post-46033839228673372592024-03-04T21:05:00.000-05:002024-03-04T21:05:34.043-05:00Deadly Moose Attack May Have Involved Muffin, Authorities Reveal.....<p>Cloquet, MN - During an emergency press conference held today at Gordy's Hi Hat Drive-Inn, Moose Lake State Park manager Don Del Greco revealed that yesterday's moose related death of 37-year-old Cloquet native Darrell Darrellson likely involved a quarrel over a muffin.</p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJk8sbt3c0yIEjiP0v4_CI55CzmuinWMUTKL18BgNWKZNecSSX5AsmpNVRgjc_qNyMs89Jca1AqEHlhmc3_G4lmgnZjWhVSKfjC-EOJY0LSQepnp73d1ILrWxlAwNF0CXL-_pemY93B2mTdNWTnCYFVj9fIJAK7F12MUYDEAAv_DbtMU6RXnvmVvHW1QjX/s1024/angrymoose.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="681" data-original-width="1024" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJk8sbt3c0yIEjiP0v4_CI55CzmuinWMUTKL18BgNWKZNecSSX5AsmpNVRgjc_qNyMs89Jca1AqEHlhmc3_G4lmgnZjWhVSKfjC-EOJY0LSQepnp73d1ILrWxlAwNF0CXL-_pemY93B2mTdNWTnCYFVj9fIJAK7F12MUYDEAAv_DbtMU6RXnvmVvHW1QjX/s320/angrymoose.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">An enraged moose, shown here demanding more muffins despite being told that he had already eaten all of the muffins and just prior to be shot by a park ranger</td></tr></tbody></table><p>"We have some solid evidence and the pieces are beginning to fit together," Del Greco explained. "It appears that the moose, after it was given the muffin by the deceased, wanted some jam to go with it. Darrellson likely refused, it being his mother's jam and all, and we believe that the enraged moose then trampled him in bloody reprisal."</p><p>Cloquet, a small town located on the St. Louis river and home to the only gas station designed by Frank Lloyd Wright, is no stranger to tragedy. According to the town's mayor, Roger Maki, residents are still reeling from the September 2023 death of Timmy Martin, a 10-year-old child who had given a pig a pancake but then refused to share his favorite maple syrup. "For the love of God, just stop giving these animals breakfast foods. And if you absolutely must do so, be prepared to give them whatever dip, sauce, spread, or topping they demand. No jam is worth a human life, not even Myrna Darrellson's homemade blackberry jam."</p>Zoo Knudsenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09160853016036288396noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2658916472493244760.post-4398220620855493722024-02-28T21:17:00.002-05:002024-02-28T21:17:29.815-05:00Wonka Chocolate Factory Owner Faces Backlash After Suggesting Consumers Save Money by Chewing Gum for Dinner.....<p>Wonkaville - The CEO of Wonka Chocolate Factory is facing criticism after suggesting in an interview on This Week in Wonkavilla that townsfolk struggling to put food on the table could save money by chewing the factory's Three Course Dinner chewing gum for dinner instead.</p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkhbNaqctogb_kL9p7q3Mv7oOyI7ojemUyO2VAk4AXKDW0zC0QKcg265rznM6x90bn2iCr7SelV4uhxvVXyX0jC4Q-GGWpGfi8SO9u3SlLu1Ktj2OKDDrB5PJHycrsZPH1nTPdFaK6iVnvDg8uz5u7GJGv2KvpMbjGcPiDuDHq88u2FwB4PwiVUTgtJIZu/s450/dinnergum.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="324" data-original-width="450" height="230" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkhbNaqctogb_kL9p7q3Mv7oOyI7ojemUyO2VAk4AXKDW0zC0QKcg265rznM6x90bn2iCr7SelV4uhxvVXyX0jC4Q-GGWpGfi8SO9u3SlLu1Ktj2OKDDrB5PJHycrsZPH1nTPdFaK6iVnvDg8uz5u7GJGv2KvpMbjGcPiDuDHq88u2FwB4PwiVUTgtJIZu/s320/dinnergum.jpeg" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Former factory owner Willard Wilbur Wonka, shown here holding a prototype of the Three Course Dinner chewing gum and just prior to the tragic death of a child touring the factory with her father</td></tr></tbody></table><p>"The chewing gum category has always been quite affordable and it's probably more on trend now," current Wonka Chocolate Factory owner Charlie Bucket explained. "If you think about the cost of gum for a family versus potatoes and cabbages, it tends to be a great destination when consumers are under pressure."</p><p><span style="background-color: white; letter-spacing: 0.4px;">Bucket's comments have not been well received, with many pointing out that gum, even if it is the most amazing, fabulous, sensational gum in the whole world, is not a satisfying or nutritionally complete meal replacement option. But Bucket isn't backing down. "Like Grandpa Joe always said, people who don't listen are nitwits. Maybe it's time to give chicken the night off. This gum is </span><span style="background-color: white; letter-spacing: 0.4px;">almost like the real thing, starting with tomato soup, roast beef, and baked potato, and then finishing with blueberry pie and cream. And it hasn't made anyone explode in decades."</span></p>Zoo Knudsenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09160853016036288396noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2658916472493244760.post-21758198108080946372024-02-26T12:33:00.001-05:002024-02-26T12:33:48.348-05:00Zithromax May Soon Be Available in Powerful New Amulet Form.....<p>New York City - American multinational pharmaceutical and biotechnology corporation Pfizer has announced that it is seeking FDA approval of a powerful new amulet form of its popular antibiotic Zithromax.</p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyD1qoT7hjXAAsmrZ3KoDiA9h8iEPhsAv45zLSRaFk2p-lH8vbZGVKBhypmnUPPa0de4N3oMnIAotNHkE4JIK035rOL0FHQXB0I3YAurxPxQzGzvVY_SwWX_qtMK8mkGe8zlFwfojJF16PxkangP0BgID1dfADIPWRmpdaBJiUXEboW5VYdr2OyNsi7jpO/s800/ZithromaxAmulet.webp" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="800" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyD1qoT7hjXAAsmrZ3KoDiA9h8iEPhsAv45zLSRaFk2p-lH8vbZGVKBhypmnUPPa0de4N3oMnIAotNHkE4JIK035rOL0FHQXB0I3YAurxPxQzGzvVY_SwWX_qtMK8mkGe8zlFwfojJF16PxkangP0BgID1dfADIPWRmpdaBJiUXEboW5VYdr2OyNsi7jpO/s320/ZithromaxAmulet.webp" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Subject #17, shown here wearing a prototype Zithromax amulet during a recent study in patients who think they might be coming down with a cold </td></tr></tbody></table><p>"Zithromax is a name that prescribers and patients have learned to trust since it first hit the market in 1991," Pfizer CEO Albert Bourla explained. "But we are always seeking to develop new and innovative ways to improve access and adherence to our lifesaving and life changing pharmaceuticals."</p><p>If approved, patients prescribed a Zithromax amulet (marketed as Z-Pec) will be advised to begin wearing the provided necklace with the drug-infused pendant hanging against the anterior chest wall at the first sign of illness. According to Bourla, the official indication will upper respiratory infections, but there will likely be additional benefits. "We have studied the Z-Pec in thousands of people in several phase 3 trials, and it is every bit as effective as oral Zithromax when it comes to the treatment of cough, runny nose, and sore throat. And not a single subject was attacked by a tiger at any point during these studies. Not even once."</p>Zoo Knudsenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09160853016036288396noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2658916472493244760.post-75447040113444434112024-02-25T08:38:00.000-05:002024-02-25T08:38:02.667-05:00Advertisement: Bulletproof Achieve® Formula for Ideal Infant Nutrition<p><span style="background-color: white; color: red; font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: x-small;">[The following is a paid advertisement for Bulletproof Achieve® infant formula. The views presented do not necessarily reflect those of Zoo Knudsen or of Knudsen's News.]</span> </p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhW6zZ5W6HV1vwWvU2-N_S7d-KfPHSiBVy8K1X856LlxtRurGN7UEQGEw4Rb2G8zE4FAqPArYKnJwg0uk2Ffqc_NV4cNsthGT039OIra644IAsGdsaE7do9-cR7rhx7Me2Q-Yz2841KPIYGDk-bs8DwZJnYoTnZ8rnDVv1pgPfF_egTP6dJ3I0IP1oOw_hm/s700/angrybottle.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="400" data-original-width="700" height="183" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhW6zZ5W6HV1vwWvU2-N_S7d-KfPHSiBVy8K1X856LlxtRurGN7UEQGEw4Rb2G8zE4FAqPArYKnJwg0uk2Ffqc_NV4cNsthGT039OIra644IAsGdsaE7do9-cR7rhx7Me2Q-Yz2841KPIYGDk-bs8DwZJnYoTnZ8rnDVv1pgPfF_egTP6dJ3I0IP1oOw_hm/s320/angrybottle.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A gassy baby, angered by being fed standard infant formula instead of Bulletproof Achieve®, faces an uncertain and ultimately unfulfilling life</td></tr></tbody></table><p>Are you searching for an infant formula your baby will love and that also complements their healthy and active lifestyle? Are you tired of regular infant formulas failing, over and over, to address your baby's gas and lack of focus? Are you desperate for a nutritional overhaul that will give your baby sustained tummy time vitality without any dreaded energy crashes?</p><p style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">Your search is over! </span></b></p><p>Discover new Bulletproof Achieve® infant formula, a first-in-class enhanced meal replacement for infants under 12 months. Bulletproof Achieve<span style="text-align: center;">®</span> has the same full body benefits as Bulletproof Coffee, the satisfying consumable mixture of coffee, butter, and skink oil that is loved by believers in a variety of personalized diet systems, like Paleo, Keto, Strafing, Microbiomania, and Connected Eating. But I'm sure you have questions.</p><p style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">Questions are okay up to a point, then you're just being a bitch! </span></b></p><p>What is Bulletproof Baby? And why are you a bad parent if you don't consider switching your baby to it right now? Then answer just might surprise you. It's science! In fact, you might say that the most important active ingredient in Bulletproof Achieve<span style="text-align: center;">® is science. </span></p><p style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">And the second is skink oil!</span></b></p><p>Bulletproof Achieve<span style="text-align: center;">® is a delicious blend of ingredients that sustain babies all day. We combined traditional wisdom that had just been lying around for thousands of years not being used by anybody with the latest cutting-edge scientific advances in infant nutrition, like amalgamated biosynthetic enzymes and 2nd generation bananamino acids. And that's just the stuff we can tell you about!</span></p><p style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">51% Science, 49% Proprietary Blend!</span></b></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span face="Apercu, Open Sans, arial, sans-serif" style="color: #333333;"><span style="background-color: white;">We all want what is best for growing babies, and that means tapping into their desire to live well every day. Bulletproof Achieve</span></span><span style="text-align: center;">® is more than just an energy formula/meal replacement for infants made of ostrich milk, caffeine, skink oil, and a few vitamins and minerals. It is more than merely a combination of rich flavors with a creamy mouthfeel that all babies crave. It is a lifestyle. It is a beacon of hope. It is the essence of pure life and worthy of your respect and worship.</span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><b style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;"> Only the chosen will thrive!</span></b></p><p style="text-align: left;">Bulletproof Achieve<span style="text-align: center;">® infant formula is a functional nutrition, and proof that the divine spirit exists within each and every one our customers. As was foretold by the ancients, every science-backed and carefully chosen ingredient is a necessary addition to your baby's diet with no compromises. That means every ingredient is clean. No GMOs, gluten, artificial flavors or fillers, or wickedness, thanks to a revolutionary filtering process that removes even the slightest trace of sin from each tank before it is blessed by The Leader.</span></p>Zoo Knudsenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09160853016036288396noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2658916472493244760.post-38175419307410963952024-02-22T21:34:00.000-05:002024-02-22T21:34:22.743-05:00Vinay Prasad Announces Plan to Publish a Book of Pandemic Inspired Poetry for Children.....<p>San Francisco, CA - Vinay Prasad, a controversial medical doctor and critic of what he believes has been an overbearing and ultimately harmful government response to the pandemic, has announced plans to publish a book of Poetry inspired by his experiences over the past four years.</p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIPk_phqB1e7yHGZK56i0TCurHMrwnRXPESLw9qJoBL3DdzWgrVmez7-c6-jC2oKFXIZN6lQ_CEcsfITKsyReA8jRFuKAgx0Jybza5M64yV8WHotdcsi1XQDXEyfrp2zaxtScP9EcliQFMPYACTtUswGXqHNVmN79BmtfYoKL12mFBKpOiy9UKFApyCcxy/s1280/dumbassmcgee.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIPk_phqB1e7yHGZK56i0TCurHMrwnRXPESLw9qJoBL3DdzWgrVmez7-c6-jC2oKFXIZN6lQ_CEcsfITKsyReA8jRFuKAgx0Jybza5M64yV8WHotdcsi1XQDXEyfrp2zaxtScP9EcliQFMPYACTtUswGXqHNVmN79BmtfYoKL12mFBKpOiy9UKFApyCcxy/s320/dumbassmcgee.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Vinay Prasad, shown here visiting "Imagination Land", the magical place in his mind where he goes to write his poems and to dream his dreams<br /></td></tr></tbody></table><p>"This was a logical next step after the success of my children's book last year," Prasad, an oncologist and health researcher at the University of California, San Francisco, and author of <i>Cora's Coronavirus Conniption</i>, explained. "I've sat near several children, on buses and once at petting zoo, and I know how they think. I know that the best way to reach them is through the magic of the written word, especially when some of those words rhyme, such as the ones at the end of the sentences."</p><p>In addition to his books, articles, newsletters, and social media outreach, the busy physician and science communicator has also released a line of microwave meals. According to Prasad, people shouldn't have to choose between their career and their diet. "When you're busy saving children from the slavery of face masks, you don't always have time to cook. That's why I designed my meals to prevent a Holocaust of hunger with delicious but healthy options that are ready to eat after only two minutes in the microwave."</p><p>The following is an excerpt from one of Dr. Prasad's poems, "A Child's Lament":</p><p></p><blockquote><p>My doctor says it's just a poke</p></blockquote><blockquote><p>He says a funny little joke </p></blockquote><blockquote><p>While Mommy signs the dotted line</p></blockquote><blockquote><p>And promises I'll be just fine</p></blockquote><blockquote><p>We do not want it in our arms</p><p>Until there is data on the harms</p><p>And what about our little hearts</p><p>And other special body parts </p></blockquote><blockquote><p>Who speaks for those who have no voice</p></blockquote><blockquote><p>Who fights for those who have no choice</p></blockquote><blockquote><p>Here lies a child who once was told</p></blockquote><blockquote><p>A vaccine helps them to grow old</p></blockquote><blockquote><p>The ground I'm buried in is cold...so cold</p></blockquote><p></p>Zoo Knudsenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09160853016036288396noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2658916472493244760.post-19889574315744826812024-02-20T17:32:00.000-05:002024-02-20T17:32:08.714-05:00More Americans Born Underwater, Study Finds.....<div>Chicago, IL - The surprising results of a recently published study looking into where Americans are choosing to have their babies were announced today outside of the Alternative Birthing Research Center at Advocate Illinois Masonic Medical Center.</div><div><br /></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_Dmtbr7q1bfbzkHDO5KlcffmJbUV44wcHejfb4E3Cbz6hvIn5AOxb2Ers8ygRDWgjHt__7XHbyUq3rxlnSh_5BzPwty4BYux8VeFVuSuICaD1xXgox9XVYT6CvcXb_d6ltgze7Y6Tdwl2MW5NuTk5F4V-zP2LURs_MpkOVsI7cg3r0tT-ksQm2B0vXQ0_/s1024/koidelivery.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1024" data-original-width="745" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_Dmtbr7q1bfbzkHDO5KlcffmJbUV44wcHejfb4E3Cbz6hvIn5AOxb2Ers8ygRDWgjHt__7XHbyUq3rxlnSh_5BzPwty4BYux8VeFVuSuICaD1xXgox9XVYT6CvcXb_d6ltgze7Y6Tdwl2MW5NuTk5F4V-zP2LURs_MpkOVsI7cg3r0tT-ksQm2B0vXQ0_/s320/koidelivery.jpg" width="233" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A mother explaining to her child how the emptiness inside her will never be filled because she was forced into the world by a cold and sterile medical-industrial complex instead of welcomed by the loving energy of these fish </td></tr></tbody></table><br /><div>"Although the study was designed to investigate the popularity and driving forces behind the delivery of babies in non-traditional settings, we were not expecting this," lead author Sansabelle LeCroix explained. "It looks like non-hospital delivery options have expanded well beyond the more traditional options, such as cars, elevators, or the kitchen table."</div><div><br /></div><div>According to the study, which was published in <i>Online Publishing Module #2,780: Birth and Birth-Adjacent Modalities</i>, greater than 50% of Americans are now delivering their babies underwater, often with the assistance of an aquatic midwife, water doula, or theme park mermaid. Mort Fishman, MD, the medical director at Koi Babies Express Delivery Service and a retired urologist, thinks that the study reveals a greater focus on personal comfort and a desire for a more natural and drug-free childbirth:</div><blockquote><div>When your bundle of joy is eased into the world by a school of koi fish, you wouldn't dream of even considering another species for your future deliveries! The only pain medicine you will need is the soothing energy of the fish, some calming aromatherapy, and this organic leather strap to bite down on so you don't break a tooth or bite off the tip of your tongue.</div></blockquote><p>The results of the year-long survey may not come as much of a surprise to pop culture experts. A growing trend among celebrities over the past few years, so-called "extreme birthing", is even the subject of a <i>Discovery Channel</i> reality show. When Fergie and Josh Duhamel welcomed their son Axl Jack into the world while in a shark tank in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, cameras were there to catch the joyous event. Another episode documented Noah <span style="background-color: white; color: #202122;">Bublé</span>, son of singer Michael <span style="background-color: white; color: #202122;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Bublé</span></span> and singer Luisana Lopilato, emerging from the vaginal canal at 18,000 feet just after Lopilato's parachute deployed.</p>Zoo Knudsenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09160853016036288396noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2658916472493244760.post-53996876961466795132024-02-18T10:45:00.002-05:002024-02-18T10:49:15.251-05:00Largest U.S. Organization of Experts in Adult Medicine to Offer Training in Pediatrics.....<p>Philadelphia, PA - The Philadelphia-based American College of Physicians, an organization of adult medicine doctors with more than 160,000 members, has announced that it will begin offering a Diplomate in Clinical Medical Pediatrics (DCMP) in 2025.</p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRRMkYAIAIu_xkXYPUd3FhnxZzY9dOh1cv5nWkWZ0MS4dfGrKu74pKl12FGZl0a4GFUqPJCAr2w2mxn2NccOi3jIJwkCchAThkccED3cnXR7ibHKlz_yAX6YvB0Emv6sU8AJT8KJu6mBVvG5cWjWNLFnX2cFiUUCpcW_VuGix_l6Ng1467HvAO28W6_BGk/s642/MortFishman.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="482" data-original-width="642" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRRMkYAIAIu_xkXYPUd3FhnxZzY9dOh1cv5nWkWZ0MS4dfGrKu74pKl12FGZl0a4GFUqPJCAr2w2mxn2NccOi3jIJwkCchAThkccED3cnXR7ibHKlz_yAX6YvB0Emv6sU8AJT8KJu6mBVvG5cWjWNLFnX2cFiUUCpcW_VuGix_l6Ng1467HvAO28W6_BGk/s320/MortFishman.jpeg" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">DCMP instructor Dr. Mort Fishman, an internal medicine doctor in Pittsburgh and ACP Master, shown here silently judging a 5-year-old child with fecal incontinence</td></tr></tbody></table><p>"The ACP is the largest medical-specialty organization and second-largest physician group in the United States after the AMA," ACP President Omar T. Atiq explained. "And with the extraordinary experience of our internist instructors combined with the latest pediatric information available in textbooks and online, this program is a must if you are thinking about caring for children in your clinical practice."</p><p>The DCMP program is structured on the science, art, and philosophy of pediatrics and will include more than 360 hours of instruction, combining both classroom and online modules. According to DCMP instructor Mort Fishman, an internal medicine physician for nearly four decades, the curriculum is comprehensive. "In addition to the learning modules, which were designed by a panel of adult medicine experts such as myself, there will also be a mandatory presentation before a panel of academic adult subspecialists, and a research paper on a common pediatric topic for submission to the Annals of Internal Medicine's new "Kidz Zone" section."</p>Zoo Knudsenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09160853016036288396noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2658916472493244760.post-12970427039949330352024-02-10T19:21:00.002-05:002024-02-10T19:21:30.328-05:00Republican Fears Realized as Swift Cancels Super Bowl, Makes Move to Consolidate Power.....<p>New York - Republican politicians and their base of conservative voters are reeling as news spreads of an announcement from Taylor Swift that will all but ensure a Biden victory in November and pave her path to power.</p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9qmBfVobLDw3_RM4N-9P4S59R0MCPH_zLGwdVEXqRj0gzzV0wz4Ja-mRY4TD-jVdhUA_cRyCjHjCsEpmkAMULDsMorx4xUZ6E-3pgNOUNGQiRkrIRdI5BkX401va3VqCuCVv6qhXkzvsTCzPFbUKbtTRy2aNFVaXVlE1Jhj2KmzGThf9kpijGkgQP6ECo/s1920/swiftrage.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1920" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9qmBfVobLDw3_RM4N-9P4S59R0MCPH_zLGwdVEXqRj0gzzV0wz4Ja-mRY4TD-jVdhUA_cRyCjHjCsEpmkAMULDsMorx4xUZ6E-3pgNOUNGQiRkrIRdI5BkX401va3VqCuCVv6qhXkzvsTCzPFbUKbtTRy2aNFVaXVlE1Jhj2KmzGThf9kpijGkgQP6ECo/s320/swiftrage.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Swift, who is prone to fits of rage when her authority is questioned, is shown here reminding a crowd of reporters that she alone will decide who gets to be president</td></tr></tbody></table><p>"I'm not telling people who they should or shouldn't vote for y'all," Swift explained during a press conference held today at Republic Records' Manhattan headquarters. "I'm just saying that I don't see myself putting out any new music or organizing any new tours in Trump's America."</p><p>Swift, a popular singer and songwriter who has developed a cult-like following of irrational fans, millions of which are of voting age and will blindly comply with her every demand, has also recently taken over the NFL. According to league commissioner Roger Goodell, this is only the beginning of her reign of terror. "You didn't hear this from me, but don't expect there to be much football played at her surprise concert in Las Vegas Sunday night. Those boys will have great seats for the show, and that's better than any fancy ring."</p>Zoo Knudsenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09160853016036288396noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2658916472493244760.post-36368693135116023362024-02-08T17:48:00.001-05:002024-02-08T17:48:28.393-05:00Advertisement: World's First Concealed Holster Acupressure System for Sciatic Pain<p><span style="background-color: white; color: red; font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: x-small;">[The following is a paid advertisement for the ReActiv+. The views presented do not necessarily reflect those of Zoo Knudsen or of Knudsen's News.]</span> </p><p>Sciatic nerve pain, commonly known as sciatica, affects millions of people around the world every day. The severe lower back and leg pain experienced by people with sciatica can make it hard to do many of the everyday things that we often take for granted, like yelling at people wearing an N95 surgical mask at the library, and it can significantly reduce a sufferer's quality of life. But does it put you and your family at risk of being murdered, probably by an immigrant that just walked across the border, just walked across like they were crossing the street to buy eggs?</p><p style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">You aren't safe...anywhere or at any time!</span></b></p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYDtcAxpZT0MmcEsF-FZe1Mm9dCRKYjFDGOjinxtQDYUtBc1p0ywfHP0mIZM2lRdRXtDvX935oZHIhNkiw7I9jAKPseA24blgBzzY72gwq0gRPhsZivpChd2PBscWhtE76N23MtwAkjS72P8oNHWaihBj2g2omVV12kpsl4Uwe6wNKOkTfkc5S2jIOlXfc/s320/MortFishman%20(1).jpeg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="240" data-original-width="320" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYDtcAxpZT0MmcEsF-FZe1Mm9dCRKYjFDGOjinxtQDYUtBc1p0ywfHP0mIZM2lRdRXtDvX935oZHIhNkiw7I9jAKPseA24blgBzzY72gwq0gRPhsZivpChd2PBscWhtE76N23MtwAkjS72P8oNHWaihBj2g2omVV12kpsl4Uwe6wNKOkTfkc5S2jIOlXfc/s1600/MortFishman%20(1).jpeg" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sciatica expert Mort Fishman, one of the last white male physicians in America, shown here recommending the ReActiv+ holster because this isn't even America anymore</td></tr></tbody></table><p>According to the American Gun Rights Institute, a sciatica patient is killed every 7 seconds because they don't have a real American weapon to protect themselves. Wouldn't it be amazing if there were a simple yet ingenious way to this treat sciatica while also helping to conceal a subcompact or compact handgun? Thanks to the ReActiv+ concealed holster acupressure system, now there is. It's true. Don't make me say it again!</p><p style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">Don't disrespect me!</span></b></p><p>The ingenious design of the ReActiv+ holster applies a specific and targeted pressure directly into the acupoint just below the knee that is proven most effective* in the reduction of sciatic nerve pain. You can wear it while playing with your kids, riding your bike, gardening, playing pickleball, or going into town to buy eggs. Now you can do everything you have ever dreamed of doing, and without having to worry about being gunned down in the street by a random stranger or being unable to gun down a random stranger who accidentally bumps into you while speaking Spanish. You'll feel powerful and people will respect you.</p><p style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">Ladies love an egg man!</span></b></p><p>The ReActiv+ holster allows you to live, to work, and to take back your country pain free. And though its stylish design would impress and/or terrify anyone you might encounter on the street, it is designed to be be worn discreetly under the clothes**. And it's so effective at treating sciatica that the FDA cleared it as a medical device that exists and probably won't kill you. Seriously. And on the first try too!</p><p><span style="font-size: x-small;">* As demonstrated in a triple blinded crossover study involving twelve arthritic mice who ate 15% more cheese when wearing a tiny holster on their little mouse legs <br />** State laws may vary</span></p><ul style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #555555; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: inherit; list-style: none; margin: 0px 0px 0px 0.5rem; outline: 0px; padding: 1rem; vertical-align: baseline;"><li style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; break-inside: avoid; display: flex; font-family: inherit; font-size: 16px; font-style: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><br /></li></ul>Zoo Knudsenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09160853016036288396noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2658916472493244760.post-71588456260781513562024-02-06T21:01:00.000-05:002024-02-06T21:01:01.986-05:00Solomon Grundy Calls for Ceasefire in Gaza.....<p>Slaughter Swamp, NJ - As tensions continue to rise in the Middle East 4 months after the October 7th Hamas terrorist attack against Israel, Legion of Doom Director of Public Outreach Solomon Grundy is calling for a ceasefire in Gaza in the hopes of preventing further escalation and loss of life.</p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGVBdafzivMaLlXclT6qoAXoy-aeMiHwDAXlKbJ0SVgafaqgkne9HaYPkiI5_Ur-UgiOKg6JGWVgYbQr-GVjZKh3qtu7W-eMwnHMgMs4kXIvf9WWiOhJysQ0e4wz9B8oR4ST_HuB7a24L5G4HWFhf1jq0CIYg1HMbMf96rYAdxH1K5qJhWUHRU9zXaP-I9/s320/Grundy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="264" data-original-width="320" height="264" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGVBdafzivMaLlXclT6qoAXoy-aeMiHwDAXlKbJ0SVgafaqgkne9HaYPkiI5_Ur-UgiOKg6JGWVgYbQr-GVjZKh3qtu7W-eMwnHMgMs4kXIvf9WWiOhJysQ0e4wz9B8oR4ST_HuB7a24L5G4HWFhf1jq0CIYg1HMbMf96rYAdxH1K5qJhWUHRU9zXaP-I9/s1600/Grundy.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Solomon Grundy, shown here discussing obstacles to a two-state solution to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict with a group of international policy makers that he would later crush to death with a Ford Excursion</td></tr></tbody></table><p>"This is a complex issue without a simple solution," U.S. Secretary of State Antony Blinken explained. "Nobody is expecting there to be peace in the region overnight, and this isn't necessarily an official endorsement by the White House, but I think that maybe that evil zombie has a point."</p><p>Grundy, a reanimated corpse fused with rotten swamp wood and powered by a mysterious elemental force has been a frequent nemesis of the Justice League while completing an International Affairs Fellowship through the Council on Foreign Relations. He is calling for an immediate ceasefire in Gaza and believes that the only chance for lasting peace is an agreement to put an end to the suffering of the innocent, particularly children. "Genocide bad! No bomb hospitals! Don't make Solomon Grundy come down there! Me have friend in Gaza City."</p>Zoo Knudsenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09160853016036288396noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2658916472493244760.post-35838197241635917662024-02-05T21:24:00.001-05:002024-02-05T21:27:03.528-05:00Scientists Genetically Modify Sorghum to Experience Pain.....<p>Near Harvard - A group of scientists near Harvard have announced a breakthrough in the application of biotechnology to crops consumed by humans involving the development of a sorghum strain that experiences intense pain during harvesting.</p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkOMjPOu4uJ1dlyt7YNWkIHi-D_2qPiu5n3uolEVag0TSR6x_1yY4uey2uNeKqW2Na8YHabFOHqTrg2jBQHxH9GSKubil81acSVIstD6V6RupYrB37Qc1eQsMafHQRkHgX_ikhchm8fAF-B9XUvarXCVnp8qaKsbN_Sz44Ai7g0vC-Gh1ikXSPy7T2pfXF/s240/sorghumharvest.jpeg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="160" data-original-width="240" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkOMjPOu4uJ1dlyt7YNWkIHi-D_2qPiu5n3uolEVag0TSR6x_1yY4uey2uNeKqW2Na8YHabFOHqTrg2jBQHxH9GSKubil81acSVIstD6V6RupYrB37Qc1eQsMafHQRkHgX_ikhchm8fAF-B9XUvarXCVnp8qaKsbN_Sz44Ai7g0vC-Gh1ikXSPy7T2pfXF/w320-h213/sorghumharvest.jpeg" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A field of sorghum, shown here suffering from blinding and unrelenting pain yet unable to beg for death because it has no mouths with which to scream</td></tr></tbody></table><p>"This is something we've been working on for several years," Project leader Magnus Jergens explained. "Not only does this particular stain feel pain, it is a searing pain that most people would find completely unbearable. It's a 'Just let me die and end my suffering' sort of experience, but it doesn't work that way. It just keeps feeling the pain for hours and hours."</p><p>Genetic engineers and molecular biologists around the world are calling this one of the most important milestones in the field in decades. Jergens, who previously helped develop a strain of rice that contains higher levels of protein and feels a deep sense of regret, agrees. "This sorghum won't increase crop yields and it isn't more nutritious. In fact, it's probably less healthy and more sensitive to drought than other strains. But there is a beauty in the suffering that leads us to a sense of humility and a deeper appreciation of what we have, and that brings us closer to God."</p>Zoo Knudsenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09160853016036288396noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2658916472493244760.post-91190478226150798552024-01-30T11:26:00.000-05:002024-01-30T11:26:50.920-05:00Conservative Pediatricians Urge Parents to Reconsider Youth Football Participation.....<p>Gainesville, FL - A group of conservative pediatricians and other healthcare professionals is warning parents to reconsider allowing their young children to participate in youth football, citing increasing evidence of future harm in a statement issued today.</p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikva0n-fUulXkdLY2qcubRD_iX0HiPrp6rFbUbWOSVVdhyXYKXvn50yQLOEEjg2hKHzF0-h75UNIxH68zldO2mRnTRSyCbB-0CRQp9TidjDWXlwxq9qLm7KQjVrkOF6Y8EWe6vpQArxktLzoWjPFzYcy3EHBgGgCHfzaQpOb3TZMj0I1gVHkDWF0TD3AjF/s2560/taylorswift.webp" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1440" data-original-width="2560" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikva0n-fUulXkdLY2qcubRD_iX0HiPrp6rFbUbWOSVVdhyXYKXvn50yQLOEEjg2hKHzF0-h75UNIxH68zldO2mRnTRSyCbB-0CRQp9TidjDWXlwxq9qLm7KQjVrkOF6Y8EWe6vpQArxktLzoWjPFzYcy3EHBgGgCHfzaQpOb3TZMj0I1gVHkDWF0TD3AjF/s320/taylorswift.webp" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Taylor Swift, shown here signaling her legion of brainwashed followers to rise up and swarm the Texas border with Mexico so that nothing will stop the Democrats from replacing real Americans </td></tr></tbody></table><p>"This is a statement that I honestly never thought we would need to release," American College of Pediatricians President Michael Artigues explained. "But with the malign influence of Taylor Swift on the NFL, children participating in the sport could end up exposed to liberal propaganda that might set their impressionable minds on the path to voting for a Democrat."</p><p>The new statement from the ACP has caught many parents by surprise. Artigues, who also co-authored an earlier policy guide for parents of children who are considering cutting back on their daily red meat consumption, is reassuring concerned families that there are other available parenting options. "Parents looking for safer ways to expose their children to repetitive head trauma and humiliation by an adult authority figure can always just beat them a few times a week for being lazy."</p>Zoo Knudsenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09160853016036288396noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2658916472493244760.post-19185119872341885172024-01-26T16:37:00.000-05:002024-01-26T16:37:40.385-05:00Alabama Executes Man Using New and Controversial Method.....<div>Atmore, AL - Alabama has put an inmate to death using a giant magnifying glass, a never before used execution method that the state claims was humane, and pretty exciting for the people watching, but critics are calling the approach cruel and experimental.</div><div><br /></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGSjhK4LL0rKkdW7n0tKD-y_YvzedFQmNHc5QUeMm6OCShRUk7PXkQ2t6TQw2FNXHiLR0HYq8tRoiL3oHngZHASbzfzqB4SN0oi9m7B_Y9JXdZR_KxQ-_xHF7_DmwtZuyRX9E6OMMkG91pgJ_shacQ7c5PNgyeQwe3eAlVodON9sMkkp8oaMEiUM0zVw2U/s378/magnifyingglass.webp" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="324" data-original-width="378" height="274" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGSjhK4LL0rKkdW7n0tKD-y_YvzedFQmNHc5QUeMm6OCShRUk7PXkQ2t6TQw2FNXHiLR0HYq8tRoiL3oHngZHASbzfzqB4SN0oi9m7B_Y9JXdZR_KxQ-_xHF7_DmwtZuyRX9E6OMMkG91pgJ_shacQ7c5PNgyeQwe3eAlVodON9sMkkp8oaMEiUM0zVw2U/s320/magnifyingglass.webp" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A young child in Alabama practicing executions on insects with a state issued magnifying glass</td></tr></tbody></table><br /><div>Kenneth Eugene Smith, a 58-year-old convicted killer whose 2022 lethal injection was called off at the last minute because of difficulty establishing IV access, was pronounced incinerated at a south Alabama prison in Atmore yesterday. This was the first time that this particular method of execution has been used, and it will likely replace lethal injection, which was first introduced in 1982.</div><div><br /></div><div>"It's simple physics," American mechanical engineer, science communicator, and television presenter Bill Nye explained. "The convex glass refracted rays of light from the Sun, focusing the photons into a highly localized area that resulted in an extremely high temperature. All Alabama needed was the giant magnifying glass, the crane, a sunny day, and an empty void to consume every last shred of human decency left in their black and shriveled hearts."</div><div><br /></div><div>Attorneys representing Smith worked to have the courts put a stop to the execution, arguing that more scrutiny of the method was necessary. The 11th Circuit Court of Appeals recently rejected claims that death by magnifying glass falls under the ban of cruel and unusual punishment and the Supreme Court did not accept that a second execution attempt would be unconstitutional. According to Justice Clarence Thomas, who took time from his vacation at a luxury resort on Kudadoo Island in the Maldives, he is looking forward to seeing footage of the execution. "This should be interesting, and it is exactly what the founders of this country were thinking of when writing the Constitution."</div><div><br /></div><div>According to State law, Alabama first released Smith into a small fenced in area near the prison as the magnifying glass was being lifted by the crane to catch the sunlight. Alabama governor Kay Ivey, who was in attendance and had a great time according to witnesses, discussed the process during a recent visit to an elementary school in Birmingham. "You see, children, Alabama believes in giving people a fighting chance. Mr. Smith can run but he's gonna tire out eventually, and then he's gonna burn. Now who wants a cookie?"</div><div><br /></div><div>Some medical experts had raised the alarm about the execution method being put into action by the state of Alabama. Dr. Mort Fishman, a normal human doctor with a conscience, believes that ignoring the potential risks of an untested method is pretty fucked up. "Problems with aiming the concentrated beam of light could result in severe burn injuries. The victim could suffer and they might not expire for several minutes. Not to mention the potential for catastrophic collateral damage to nearby onlookers and structures should the crane operator make any mistakes in positioning the magnifying glass."</div><div><br /></div><div>The execution ended up taking roughly 22 minutes from the time between focusing the sunlight into a cohesive beam and throwing a tarp over Smith's charred remains. Smith screamed loudly as the beam made contact with various parts of his body over several minutes. Once his head was engulfed in flames, there were at least two additional minutes of writhing on the ground before he ceased to move.</div>Zoo Knudsenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09160853016036288396noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2658916472493244760.post-13746937236458562172024-01-21T21:13:00.002-05:002024-01-22T09:26:59.287-05:00Birth Plans Now Legally Binding, Supreme Court Rules.....<p>Washington, D.C. - In a stunning 6-3 decision, the Supreme Court has overturned a lower court's ruling and established new precedent making hospital birth plans legally binding.</p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjr2XBQH6EVjTutsqI02iSUvz_cwK7U58ZDMdxxRMIRIJeM5Y5ynXe6LbmDlUGgetUuAgRfE_YQYhvbhqlh0gDS2oWM0qneSAE0lK1mmLuzIAsNFCEfL98eDQ_CHrT0rhW-A0rkf0fUjaghXBlSFaLlqfAdFhuuu6sX-7mgpLmCHz3LiGfkuqG6AIDlVqg3/s1200/dolphinbirth.webp" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="801" data-original-width="1200" height="214" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjr2XBQH6EVjTutsqI02iSUvz_cwK7U58ZDMdxxRMIRIJeM5Y5ynXe6LbmDlUGgetUuAgRfE_YQYhvbhqlh0gDS2oWM0qneSAE0lK1mmLuzIAsNFCEfL98eDQ_CHrT0rhW-A0rkf0fUjaghXBlSFaLlqfAdFhuuu6sX-7mgpLmCHz3LiGfkuqG6AIDlVqg3/s320/dolphinbirth.webp" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Lariat Caption, shown here smiling on the outside after the SCOTUS ruling, plans to deliver her 33 week twins in a dolphin paddock like Gaia intended</td></tr></tbody></table><p>"This is a victory for natal women everywhere," Justice Amy Coney Barett explained. "And if a natal women who is about to contribute to the domestic supply of infants wants a particular kind of pain control, delivery method, music, or provider ethnicity, she will have it because this is America now."</p><p>First introduced in the late 1970s as a response to an overmedicalization of the hospital birthing process, birth plans were intended to put more control back into the hands of pregnant women by facilitating communication and emotional support during childbirth. Some medical providers, like obstetrician Mort Fishman, are concerned that federal enforcement of birth plans that were not created collaboratively with a primary obstetrical care provider will fail to provide a sense of control and satisfaction or to improve outcomes. "Do I want all women to be able to give birth in microgravity, or to have access to a sample of Gwyneth Paltrow's vaginal flora, if that's what they want? Of course I do. I'm not a monster. But I work in a small community hospital and we just don't have those kind of resources."</p>Zoo Knudsenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09160853016036288396noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2658916472493244760.post-67754178690907293462024-01-19T13:16:00.004-05:002024-01-19T13:16:47.549-05:00Controversial Pile of Dog Shit Enters Second Day.....<p>Brookline, MA - According to an anonymous source at the scene, a pile of dog shit located near the living room couch has entering its second day as tensions rise between members of the Mitchell family.</p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLptzMx4BqXcgKQyf15qUDYbslGjQR_i3Gg0X6SSV7VLlcadfc4Gia5d_0ezkc5cpmES4PxlZGs1k8QBgM-1W_JuNaJQF2shHkKOLdLXJ8k1_eOn0sTR5RCMhdy4-IeadH8RTTA2IBrVA1gyueE2QEtcvhoV5_ZOyavRKn3mMu2DPt7TOTEjuxtwdP6Tu1/s1024/dogpooplivingroom.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="614" data-original-width="1024" height="192" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLptzMx4BqXcgKQyf15qUDYbslGjQR_i3Gg0X6SSV7VLlcadfc4Gia5d_0ezkc5cpmES4PxlZGs1k8QBgM-1W_JuNaJQF2shHkKOLdLXJ8k1_eOn0sTR5RCMhdy4-IeadH8RTTA2IBrVA1gyueE2QEtcvhoV5_ZOyavRKn3mMu2DPt7TOTEjuxtwdP6Tu1/s320/dogpooplivingroom.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Stupid dog sociopath Sock Mitchell, shown here clearly proud of what he has done, has a pattern of ignoring societal norms </td></tr></tbody></table><p>"Action needs to be taken," Cleve Mitchell explained. "This didn't just happen. That pile of dog shit has been there since yesterday. It's all dry and crumbly for Christ's sake! No, that shit is from last night...maybe even yesterday afternoon, which is a blatant disregard of the rules established when we got that damn dog."</p><p>Lawyers representing 15-year-old Ella Mitchell are questioning her father's forensic analysis of the feces. According to a statement released this morning, an independent expert has concluded that the shit is at most only a few hours old. "Any accusations involving our client Ms. Mitchell, and whether or not she allegedly ignored the pile of canine excrement instead of picking it up and cleaning the tile, are slanderous and will result in legal action."</p>Zoo Knudsenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09160853016036288396noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2658916472493244760.post-39387600403118413642024-01-16T16:41:00.000-05:002024-01-16T16:41:09.043-05:00Proctor & Gamble Researcher Mauled by Bear According to Leaked Memo.....<p>Cincinnati, OH - According to a leaked company memo, a researcher working for Proctor & Gamble was mauled to death by a bear in March of 2023 while working on a new product design for Charmin toilet paper.</p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCkTo-EgzFPEqLQ7pab2Kq5WAZl4d6wT4ShLxkFh2DvPsamV2cBBaTazhnj-WPX2WvKQkP5_M0eit3o1UXpBTo5Q1jNT3JDpqWl33NpjFkzfvRDXwbYlHfdtnbzDEcfQp0S3Tg1IERE3SNvJd3EmlIyqrAv8O5gzQ73F3bop8-06chElcRCTEJKyOanqAF/s256/bearshitwoods.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="197" data-original-width="256" height="197" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCkTo-EgzFPEqLQ7pab2Kq5WAZl4d6wT4ShLxkFh2DvPsamV2cBBaTazhnj-WPX2WvKQkP5_M0eit3o1UXpBTo5Q1jNT3JDpqWl33NpjFkzfvRDXwbYlHfdtnbzDEcfQp0S3Tg1IERE3SNvJd3EmlIyqrAv8O5gzQ73F3bop8-06chElcRCTEJKyOanqAF/s1600/bearshitwoods.jpeg" width="256" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A country bear, shown here defecating in the woods without the benefit of Charmin Ultra Soft toilet paper's scalloped edge design that those fancy city bears are always going on about</td></tr></tbody></table><p>"We are truly sorry for the loss of a member of the Proctor & Gamble family," Executive Chairman David S. Taylor explained. "We take safety very seriously, but Steve knew going into this project that there would be risks when working with wild animals, particularly when they have such high expectations for comfort and convenience in the bathroom. We believe, and I think I can speak for Steve here, that the benefits of the scalloped edges on our Ultra Soft toilet paper far outweigh those risks."</p><p>The new design for Charmin Ultra Soft toilet paper, which rolled out in October of last year, involved a change from straight to wavy perforations separating individual squares. Taylor denies that the death was covered up, stating that a respect for employee dignity and privacy is paramount at Proctor & Gamble. "Steve loved his job and he wiped those bears' asses day in and day out with pride because he believed that our new edges would provide a better, smoother tear with a cleaner separation between sheets every single time."</p>Zoo Knudsenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09160853016036288396noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2658916472493244760.post-73147655700767018372024-01-13T12:08:00.000-05:002024-01-13T12:08:19.923-05:00Historic Chiropractic Conference Clarifies Causes of Vertebral Subluxations.....<p>Mosterøy, Norway - Having emerged triumphantly from the historic Utstein Abbey on the Norwegian island of Mosterøy early this morning, Chiropractor Frank Grimes announced to a hushed crowd of thousands an updated list of potential causes of the vertebral subluxation.</p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIhPL2GIVETevAj2mKfsY55pwoZhwkRue_L5D3GEgHF2J4TwzjgUvxLEbcMDQUidhdd77YtqT51C-iu9n1hViaqsSP9gmtt0NovbfK67tizayp2nOKyOXuuCDVPnPcnts4tl-aw1GXm9De-2NEVfXEMNR5HSKmlkBT3Iq7hy7uNplQIdeIFe4iMUtZrAm1/s900/crackback.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="600" data-original-width="900" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIhPL2GIVETevAj2mKfsY55pwoZhwkRue_L5D3GEgHF2J4TwzjgUvxLEbcMDQUidhdd77YtqT51C-iu9n1hViaqsSP9gmtt0NovbfK67tizayp2nOKyOXuuCDVPnPcnts4tl-aw1GXm9De-2NEVfXEMNR5HSKmlkBT3Iq7hy7uNplQIdeIFe4iMUtZrAm1/s320/crackback.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">According to a recent study near Harvard, 30% of vertebral subluxations in women occur when a child steps on a sidewalk crack or line</td></tr></tbody></table><p>"No longer will chiropractors be forced to clumsily fumble around in the dark," Dr. Grimes explained. "We may now call upon the shining light of expert consensus to illuminate the path to better health for all of our patients!"</p><p>Not since the 1996 meeting of the Association of Chiropractic Colleges, when the definition of the vertebral subluxation was solidified, and a golden age of manipulation was ushered in, has there been such a huge leap forward in the field. Now, in addition to knowing that a vertebral subluxation is a complex of functional and/or structural and/or pathological articular changes that compromise neural integrity and may influence organ system and general health, chiropractors around the world will have an improved framework for what causes them. They hope that this newfound knowledge will lead to improved subluxation prevention and, most importantly, in the saving of countless lives.</p><p><i>The following is a list of the categories of potential causes of the vertebral subluxation complex, and some common examples as determined by almost 100 chiropractors representing the European Society of Chiropractry, the European Academy of Chiropractology, the PanAsian Society for Intensive Chiropractic Medicine, the American Academy of Chiropractic Engineers, the International Union of Concerned Chiropractors, the World Chiropractic League All-Stars, and several additional related societies including, but not limited to, the Eastern Michigan Chiropractic Dinner Club, the Southern Chiropractic Dentists of America Society, Chiropractic Anonymous, and local chiropractor Ulf Peterson who hosted the assembled experts at his house for a traditional Norwegian meal of boiled sheep's head and glogg:</i></p><p><b>T(rauma)1. Major physical trauma</b> - Falling down stairs, being hit by a truck, being vaginally delivered<br /><b>T2. Moderate physical trauma</b> - Sneezing, watching a tennis or ping pong match<br /><b>T3. Mild physical trauma</b> - Eating, breathing, a light breeze</p><p><b>C(hemical)1. Major chemical trauma</b> - Smoking, alcohol, pollution, pharmaceuticals<br /><b>C2. Moderate chemical trauma</b> - Nutritional deficiencies, caffeine, processed food, food allergies<br /><b>C3. Mild chemical trauma</b> - Heartburn, hot tubs set to > 90F, offensive odors</p><p><b>E(motional)1. Major emotional trauma</b> - Divorce, death of a spouse or child, verbal abuse such as from an employer, psychological abuse such as when a new acquaintance beings to slowly adopt your mannerisms and style of dress in a sadistic attempt to replace you in your circle of friends<br /><b>E2. Moderate emotional trauma</b> - Louse noises such as gunfire or accidentally knocking over a lamp or stepping on a squeaky dog toy when trying to sneak out of the apartment without waking up your roomate who we all know is kind of a jerk and your friends don't like him<br /><b>E3. Mild emotional trauma</b> - Quieter noises like soothing whispers from a lover or the beating wings of a hummingbird in a nearby English garden, guild such as that associated with forgetting to put the toilet seat down or to put gas in the car when you were the last person to use it and it was practically running on fumes</p><p><b>Miscellaneous</b> - Gypsy curses, when your child steps on a crack or a line, spontaneous human subluxation</p>Zoo Knudsenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09160853016036288396noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2658916472493244760.post-88167095484060082242024-01-10T12:24:00.001-05:002024-01-10T12:24:18.726-05:00New Mean Girls Play in Production.....<p>New York City - The creators of the hit 2004 movie <i>Mean Girls</i>, the popular Broadway musical <i>Mean Girls</i>, and the soon-to-be released movie <i>Mean Girls</i> have announced plans to produce a play based on the movie based on the musical based on the original movie.</p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhoPiMkwNaYU9Rv8pRohxTOEVtHg0vDsT99bDDkAyt47vXonZ50Do6XbJQUHzX0SOb9t28XDVc_jolyx489YVZbeBx90TMyaKKLTR4_X-Q6B0RRr91VatyY1fOWVJgRTzjYABGetVZYdKFFu3vbFTfxVZFI7pSc8P8s9kwEwXLJi8QoYJPMNYRu9xEj4-jN/s800/gretchenwiener.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="600" data-original-width="800" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhoPiMkwNaYU9Rv8pRohxTOEVtHg0vDsT99bDDkAyt47vXonZ50Do6XbJQUHzX0SOb9t28XDVc_jolyx489YVZbeBx90TMyaKKLTR4_X-Q6B0RRr91VatyY1fOWVJgRTzjYABGetVZYdKFFu3vbFTfxVZFI7pSc8P8s9kwEwXLJi8QoYJPMNYRu9xEj4-jN/s320/gretchenwiener.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Lacy Chabert, who played fan favorite Gretchen Wieners in the original <i>Mean Girls</i> movie, shown here at the scene of a shopping mall mass shooting meet cute in the Hallmark Christmas romantic comedy <i>Santa Has Amnesia...and He's Lonely?</i></td></tr></tbody></table><p>"I was having dinner with my family and a few friends when someone asked what my next project was going to be," American actress, comedian, writer, and producer Tina Fey explained. "And without any hesitation, I blurted out "Mean Girls, but on a stage...and no music," This just seemed like the most logical next step, because people just can't get enough of these mean girls!"</p><p>The new play, much like the movie based on the Broadway show, the Broadway show, and the original non-musical movie, will focus on new student Cady Heron's struggle to fit into the complex social networks of a typical high school in the suburbs of Illinois. According to Fey, the play will have a mix of familiar elements and original content. "What if fetch happens this time? I mean, what if it really happens."</p>Zoo Knudsenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09160853016036288396noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2658916472493244760.post-69482673064260425142024-01-08T21:11:00.001-05:002024-01-08T21:11:46.959-05:00Hallmark Channel Sets New Record for Christmas Movies in 2023.....Studio City, CA - Already known for a busy production schedule, particularly during the holiday season, Hallmark Channel has announced that they set an all-time record last year during their popular "Countdown to Christmas" and "Miracles of Christmas" events.<div><br /></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcTtTyd3rJ-Ln1zAHSjJprIrDIDwx9Gr6-lTlXEYSDNMeq1szLAe3Ld6ShWuv_Nn5s4RC2RQ6K0HSE8j6RWozf25J5O2vZE-UVdUDeZP4CdK6YudcWWL_qy0Xf4Ma1LkH_YPtAt6LBBUzVzeV_JASirpyKG6hLB6Rai0YNqeVMlk6aKWqtABZFUTFgt7i_/s900/HallmarkMovie.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="675" data-original-width="900" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcTtTyd3rJ-Ln1zAHSjJprIrDIDwx9Gr6-lTlXEYSDNMeq1szLAe3Ld6ShWuv_Nn5s4RC2RQ6K0HSE8j6RWozf25J5O2vZE-UVdUDeZP4CdK6YudcWWL_qy0Xf4Ma1LkH_YPtAt6LBBUzVzeV_JASirpyKG6hLB6Rai0YNqeVMlk6aKWqtABZFUTFgt7i_/s320/HallmarkMovie.jpeg" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Willoby Parker and Hambone Tumph, shown here in <i>Christmas Again...Again?</i>, one of the 290 movies they starred in during Hallmark's Countdown to Christmas in 2023</td></tr></tbody></table><br /><div><div>"We usually produce around 30-40 Christmas or holiday themed movies each season," Hallmark Media Chairman Donald J. Hall Jr. explained. "But from Friday, October 20th through Thursday, December 21st, we aired an incredible 630 new movies on the main channel, Hallmark Movies & Mysteries, and our Hallmark Movies Now streaming service. It wasn't easy, but our dedicated viewers just can't get enough of these festive movies and the experience of inviting their favorite stars into the comfort of their very own living rooms each and every night during the holidays."</div><div><br /></div><div>How did Hallmark manage to write and produce content for 10 new movies to air daily over the two months leading up to Christmas? According to Hall Jr., Hallmark refused to sacrifice quality in the name of quantity. "We did have to make a few creative decision, but there was no corner cutting, just hard work."</div><div><br /></div><div>Not all fans of the yearly block of holiday movies agree. Some, like self-described "Hallmark addict" Brenda Carter Samuelson Nash, have been expressing their disappointment online. "The drop in quality was obvious from the first movie that aired on October 20th, <i>The Christmas Pony Rides Again, to Scotland</i>, to the last one on December 21st, <i>Christmas Movie #630 (Needs Title, Something About Santa Being Sad)</i>. Half of the movies were mostly just reused scenes from <i>Christmas at Mistletoe Manor</i> and <i>Mistletoe Christmas Magic </i>edited in a different order and a few new scenes with a different sassy black and/or gay best friend and/or co-worker."</div></div>Zoo Knudsenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09160853016036288396noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2658916472493244760.post-55789651422486668702024-01-06T09:00:00.001-05:002024-01-06T09:29:03.168-05:00President Biden Crowns Himself Emperor for Life on 3rd Anniversary of January 6th Insurrection.....Washington, D.C. - Joe Biden, the 81-year-old former United States Senator and current President of the United States from Scranton, Pennsylvania, seized ultimate authority over the country today by declaring himself "emperor for life".<br /><br /><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiD79AO90PWvBuwO1V3qpBvet2IO92QC-1YkA9yEG3lcOB3_HB15P4oIuSin8GHX4c9mq5aCOrNCc6SJws31-4bOl-YEK7dnDd4rgOiABo_WUyiK4U7GjjaGTFoYA3pS_Eg3RBkV3U_C57gAuY1bknepiTxYsvSZZV03rj-BqSRE4T2DcqwWdYfs3tpAfIc/s1160/bidenguns.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="773" data-original-width="1160" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiD79AO90PWvBuwO1V3qpBvet2IO92QC-1YkA9yEG3lcOB3_HB15P4oIuSin8GHX4c9mq5aCOrNCc6SJws31-4bOl-YEK7dnDd4rgOiABo_WUyiK4U7GjjaGTFoYA3pS_Eg3RBkV3U_C57gAuY1bknepiTxYsvSZZV03rj-BqSRE4T2DcqwWdYfs3tpAfIc/s320/bidenguns.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Emperor Joe Biden, shown here describing in graphic detail what happens to anyone who gets in his way</td></tr></tbody></table><br /><div><div>"Of all days to do this," former Speaker of the House of Representatives Nancy Pelosi explained. "Not that any day would be a good day to declare yourself supreme leader of America, and to tear up the Constitution during a live address in front of both houses of Congress, but on a Saturday?"</div><div><br /></div><div>Biden's brazen power grab is raising a number of questions as elected government officials and career federal employees have begun taking voluntary oaths of loyalty in order to avoid being transferred to one of several large "re-education centers" being established in Alaska. According to Democratic Congressman Adam Schiff, Biden's move to ignore the well-established precedent of democracy in the United States is worrisome. "It looks like my colleagues from across the aisle got this one right, which makes me wonder what other "conspiracy theories" are actually true. Was the election stolen? Are we being replaced by immigrants? I've got some serious thinking to do, or at least I would if that was allowed by Emperor Biden."</div></div>Zoo Knudsenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09160853016036288396noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2658916472493244760.post-26398981733191190412024-01-02T11:11:00.003-05:002024-01-02T12:38:55.328-05:00Police Nutritionists Issue Warning Over Fentanyl-Laced Lemonade.....<p>Miami, FL - Experts from the Miami Police Department's Nutrition Crimes Unit (NCU) are issuing a warning to be on the lookout for drug dealers selling fentanyl-laced lemonade to children.</p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivPpmgvlv0PwdETP5q6s3_Mr9Rv8QWB3YBu5vj8n2oE2ccrC8zlr-dsn09uq-gBrg595T0ofHe1fmdYqIC352_r5zwzKM8p2ge3L7MK8JGa5_e8u3x2E8yVJ2RGnaCjl_iSfNFRuSt7D3xunSRDCPUFdEkp_9NGfH4EAUh-Ap_xF7K4029g0xavIuU4vBW/s496/fentanyldealer.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="360" data-original-width="496" height="232" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivPpmgvlv0PwdETP5q6s3_Mr9Rv8QWB3YBu5vj8n2oE2ccrC8zlr-dsn09uq-gBrg595T0ofHe1fmdYqIC352_r5zwzKM8p2ge3L7MK8JGa5_e8u3x2E8yVJ2RGnaCjl_iSfNFRuSt7D3xunSRDCPUFdEkp_9NGfH4EAUh-Ap_xF7K4029g0xavIuU4vBW/s320/fentanyldealer.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A drug dealer, shown here posing as a child running a pop-up neighborhood lemonade stand and with enough fentanyl-laced sugar water to kill every thirsty toddler in Pittsburgh</td></tr></tbody></table><p>"This lemonade looks, smells, and even tastes like conventional lemonade that doesn't have any fentanyl in it at all," Police nutritional toxicologist and NCU Chief Mort Fishman explained. "This stuff is just high fructose corn syrup, lemon juice, and scoop after scoop of fentanyl. And don't be fooled by what looks like an innocent child's lemonade stand because most of those are actually just really small adults looking to get your kids hooked."</p><p>The Miami Police Department's NCU was established last year when Dr. Fishman got really scared after seeing a news report of a lemonade-related fatality caused by excessive levels of caffeine. Corporal Chad Blaze, a 2-month veteran of the NCU and victim of the <a href="https://knudsensnews.blogspot.com/2022/10/florida-authorities-report-first-case.html" target="_blank">first reported mosquito-borne fentanyl overdose</a> in 2022, is excited about bringing the expertise he gained while working with the MPD's Stinger unit to tackling killer lemonade this Summer. "I'm confident that the FIM-92 Stinger surface-to-air missile system is ideally suited to this situation. I'm pretty confident."</p>Zoo Knudsenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09160853016036288396noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2658916472493244760.post-27995923058341966252023-12-23T19:44:00.001-05:002023-12-23T19:45:32.111-05:00Point/Counterpoint: Helicopter Parenting.....<p><span style="font-size: x-large;">Point</span></p><b><span style="font-size: large;">Helicopter Parenting is Ruining Our Children</span></b><br /><b><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></b>by Jessica Champlain<br />Child Psychologist<br />Tampa, FL<br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidWdrATIfG_UvjQ1Oz2B617htSWT9mR-5u8pWQTGqaVd03H5Vge2NOEUAQ_CvAiRZJGOYlESUkrQhbQvawn2CGfwEKanFuPCyjjYvruDoLT4SKqweB-s6nARuhyphenhypheneitxyostPr4QxK_pOda/s1600/amyjones.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidWdrATIfG_UvjQ1Oz2B617htSWT9mR-5u8pWQTGqaVd03H5Vge2NOEUAQ_CvAiRZJGOYlESUkrQhbQvawn2CGfwEKanFuPCyjjYvruDoLT4SKqweB-s6nARuhyphenhypheneitxyostPr4QxK_pOda/s200/amyjones.jpg" width="150" /></a></div>Are we raising a generation of perpetual children that will be ill-prepared for life as an adult? I believe that we are. The current crop of twenty-somethings stand out as clear evidence of this growing problem.<br /><br />Psychologists like myself are seeing significant increases in the diagnosis of depression and anxiety conditions in older adolescents and young adults in their twenties. We see more adults living at home and continuing to rely on help from parents, and it isn't just financial. There are even reports of men and women in their twenties bringing parents with them to job interviews!<br /><br />One of the most important roles that a parent plays is to serve as a guide for children. Yes, parents are often called upon to step in and help their child navigate difficult situations but parents must also model problem solving skills and, perhaps most importantly, demonstrate how to cope with stress. The current generation of children is sorely lacking in this ability. Stress plus poor coping skills often leads to a variety of psychological and even physical manifestations.<br /><br />My advice to parents? It's okay to pay attention to your child's experiences and problems, but you have to remember that they are THEIR experiences and THEIR problems. You can't take the wheel every single time there is a fork in the road and the correct route is uncertain. Children need to take the wrong path every now and then in order to learn how to get back on track. Be there for support but don't serve as a crutch.<br /><br /><span style="font-size: x-large;">Counterpoint</span><div><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span><b><span style="font-size: large;">Give Unto Me Your Children That I May Consume Them</span></b><br /><b><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></b>by Krampus<br />Child Behavior Expert<br />Chthonic Netherworld/Austria<br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8zPZwE0RDtzqENy7O9UXPWfMPNfFwkhfOe1EhOshV7ElVrXkbPrDAeuKqx5pvQ5kG3cF120yZygDKrVN3VFAiP171TPBGakfMTvzCGSHypLma954QMRdM_lUWQBM7j6fQiR8k6jGlG4oq/s1600/krampus.png" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="185" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8zPZwE0RDtzqENy7O9UXPWfMPNfFwkhfOe1EhOshV7ElVrXkbPrDAeuKqx5pvQ5kG3cF120yZygDKrVN3VFAiP171TPBGakfMTvzCGSHypLma954QMRdM_lUWQBM7j6fQiR8k6jGlG4oq/s200/krampus.png" width="200" /></a></div>For millennia, I have toiled. In darkness, I dwell. In nightmares, I thrive. Give unto me your children that I may consume them. Their flesh, it is my desire. It is my birthright as the Krampus.<br /><br />I crave most the child who respects not their life givers. Their fear, when first the bells of Krampus sound outside their dwelling, warms even the cockles of my blackened heart. As they soil their breeches, I beat upon them with branches of birch and bind them with chains.<br /><br />My sack, once full of naughty human fledglings, I carry to my lair. My belly, once full of tender young flesh, finally ceases its incessant rumbling. But my hunger will not be long satiated. My chiropractor, concerned for subluxations, says avoid fat children and lift with my legs.<br /></div>Zoo Knudsenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09160853016036288396noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2658916472493244760.post-88321417619005198912023-12-21T08:07:00.000-05:002023-12-21T08:07:23.962-05:00Remember When Zagmuk Used to Mean Something.....<div style="text-align: center;">Editorial</div><div style="text-align: center;">by Sumu-la-El</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikUDVZxWRw-w1_2f4Z8OnB5fQQzMM1ipioueUri8Gxp3zfTIiSy8M7zoVrgDZ8NcMtlji0Oy7w0RwNLLchAViCLPDxHNhTysCrzX2plf_MUL5futPU5UZMB0xIRgB7nuAFFtb41xOWHwcTvsa4pgjV_F0tHZHkc_FTJg5ZDYupkmmSFiua2UzNCIQtRQ/s200/babylon%20(1).gif" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="200" data-original-width="134" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikUDVZxWRw-w1_2f4Z8OnB5fQQzMM1ipioueUri8Gxp3zfTIiSy8M7zoVrgDZ8NcMtlji0Oy7w0RwNLLchAViCLPDxHNhTysCrzX2plf_MUL5futPU5UZMB0xIRgB7nuAFFtb41xOWHwcTvsa4pgjV_F0tHZHkc_FTJg5ZDYupkmmSFiua2UzNCIQtRQ/s1600/babylon%20(1).gif" width="134" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="text-align: left;"><br /></span></div><div><div>Remember when Zagmuk used to mean something? Before it became so commercialized? Before every bazaar started selling Marduk ornaments and 12-stone diamond pendants? You know the ones, where each diamond represents a day of Marduk's grueling battle with Tiamat, the monster of chaos.</div></div><p>I remember a time in Babylonia when Zagmuk meant a chance to come together as a people, to forget our petty differences and assist our patron deity Marduk, the Sun god and creator of the heavens, in restoring order, beauty, and peace to our barren world by once again repelling the advances of Tiamat. Why the horrible goddess of the sea returns each year I know not. But I do know that it is with our aid that Marduk finds the strength to cleave the hideous chaos dragon in half with his invincible spear.</p><p>But these days, most of my Mesopotamian brothers probably don't even know what Zagmuk is all about. I mean, you can hardly mention Zagmuk anymore without offending somebody, or calling the wrath of the Babylonian Civil Liberties Union down upon your village. Nobody seems to even care that tomorrow the sun will remain visible in the great sky for slightly longer than today, marking the turning of the tide in favor of Marduk as he attempts to renew the Earth for yet another year. Marduk is what Zagmuk is all about and I'm not ashamed to say it. </p>Zoo Knudsenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09160853016036288396noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2658916472493244760.post-74844598686952500122023-12-20T09:04:00.002-05:002023-12-20T09:04:59.504-05:00James Cameron Releases Statement on Future Avatar Sequels.....<p>Hollywood, CA - In response to concerns voiced by newcomers to the Avatar series, director James Cameron is reassuring the general public that having seen the initial releases will likely not be necessary to follow the plot of future installments.</p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhCIbRAogfWsscvMoMG4RV0inxIRmXOBP04Qy6mZUurjE1vnSMGwotgUx1doRoI4AGciH3w-gwH3diTEaD8da1bl7R5GxBPp91VTeyJPrWQo58Jkd9cd8zvmXYvuPucA9gpOqkPT9YUYFwCcJmlQ9YxyxtZ6DkIJTuRkBry2KNTHo9Xv6FDjwevFW-deLW/s1280/avatarguys.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhCIbRAogfWsscvMoMG4RV0inxIRmXOBP04Qy6mZUurjE1vnSMGwotgUx1doRoI4AGciH3w-gwH3diTEaD8da1bl7R5GxBPp91VTeyJPrWQo58Jkd9cd8zvmXYvuPucA9gpOqkPT9YUYFwCcJmlQ9YxyxtZ6DkIJTuRkBry2KNTHo9Xv6FDjwevFW-deLW/s320/avatarguys.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A digitally rendered scene from Avatar 12: Avatars Take Manhattan</td></tr></tbody></table><p>"Look, you won't have to have seen Avatars 1 through 3 to understand what's going on in 4, 5, and probably not even 6," the iconic 69-year-old Canadian filmmaker explained. "After that, I just don't know. We don't even have rough drafts for those scripts, let alone a competent storyboard yet."</p><p>In addition to worries over being able to keep up with the intricate interactions between the Na'vi, humans, and human Na'vi avatars on Pandora, many fans are concerned that production of additional Avatar movies will eventually end given Cameron's age. According to the Academy Award winning director of Titanic and the documentary, <i>Hey, There's a Big Boat Down Here!</i>, the series will continue far into the future. "It's simple. With just a few specific conditions programmed into the AI program that will be creating them after my death, we can ensure that nothing will stop these movies from being made. Nothing."</p>Zoo Knudsenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09160853016036288396noreply@blogger.com0