More Parents Turning to Alternative Potty Training Methods.....

Jacksonville, FL-Despite decades of scientific advancements in our understanding of human waste elimination across the lifespan, and in the most efficient and developmentally appropriate means of teaching young children to use the toilet, a growing number of parents are turning to more natural alternative methods of potty training.
   

A human child, forced to suffer through the indignity of a conventional symptom-based potty training method, shown here developing learned helplessness and probably PTSD

"It's easy to assume that a child requires a restrictive and regimented training method because they are small and uncoordinated, or that they have a limited capability to communicate," Barbara Pennock, Head Instructor at Jacksonville's Freecheeks Potty Training Center, explained. "And that's exactly what those ivory tower eggheads from Big Potty want you to believe. But today's savvy parent is wisely considering his or her options before simply going along with a conventional method that may not approach the process holistically."

Pennock admits that the Freecheeks method, with its focus on the root cause of persistent infantile incontinence rather than simply the end result, isn't for every family. But she believes that it is for parents who are willing to listen to what their young children have to say about their own personal elimination functions. And according to her, the process couldn't be simpler as long as you do it exactly as recommended without exception. "You'll need a garden hose and enough newspaper to cover the floors of your house. But what you won't need is any more diapers!"

Carl Reed, a pediatric gastroenterology expert and parent of five human children, isn't sold on what he considers unproven toilet training methods. "In my opinion, calling a method alternative is just a marketing term that implies equal footing in regards to supporting evidence. In reality, there are no conventional or alternative potty training modalities, only those that work and those that do not."

Leading Naturopathic University First to Offer Degree in Integrative Anatomy.....

Kenmore, WA- Adding to their already considerable educational offerings, such as acupuncture and psychic optometry, this Fall Bastyr University will be the first to offer a doctoral degree in Integrative Anatomy.

Bastyr Integrative Anatomy students won't be limited by Western scientific dogma

"We saw a long overdue opportunity to advance our understanding of human anatomy," recently appointed president Dr. Charles "Mac" Powell explained. "It just makes sense to update this stagnant area of study with the principles and practices of naturopathy. Who's to say that there are just two kidneys, or only one spleen? Has anyone looked for other organs?"

Obtaining a doctoral degree in Integrative Anatomy will require successful payment for a comprehensive, four-year program that combines the most rigorous aspects of intuitive awareness with a pile of old x-rays somebody found in the basement over the Summer. The first two years will cover basic anatomy from the perspective of various homunculi used by 16th century alchemists. At the end of the first two years, each student will perform an interpretive dance that takes faculty members on a journey of discovery to find their spirit organ.

With an intimate awareness of the human body gained, the remaining two years will be spent in Bastyr's cutting edge research facility. Their anatomical investigation will incorporate the senses of vision, hearing, touch, taste, and smell. A possible sixth sense, to be determined by course elder Mort Fishman based upon the results of a quantum vibrational analysis and saliva hormone levels, may be added in the future. Fishman will serve as a guide for the duration of each student's educational narrative. "There is nothing more rewarding than seeing that look of recognition and understanding on a student's face when they locate their first meridian."

Florida Legislature Passes Updated Guidelines on Community Acquired Pneumonia.....

Tallahassee, FL- After several weeks of intense debate among the 160 Florida state legislators during an emergency late Summer session at the capital, both the Senate and House of Representatives have agreed on recommendations for the diagnosis and management of community-acquired pneumonia in children. The "Lower Respiratory Infection/MANPADS Act" is expected to be signed by Governor Rick Scott later this week.

Governor Scott, shown here trying to break his favorite Husky bill signing pencil during a tantrum. Experts believe that the pencil is made from Kenyan red cedar with a manticore tail core.

"This is something that Florida pediatricians have been waiting for," Tallahassee physician Mort Fishman explained. "Sure, the Infectious Disease Society of America and American Academy of Pediatrics have given us some guidance in the past, but since our state government officially took over direct patient care directives earlier this year we've been stumbling around in the dark. It isn't perfect, but this is Florida."

The law, which specifies when radiographic imaging is appropriate and lists first and second line antibiotics for use when a bacterial cause is suspected, also requires that pediatricians refrain from asking parents about the presence of man-portable air defense systems (MANPADS) in the home. Representative Larry Ahern, co-sponsor of the bill, had expressed concern regarding potential invasion of parental privacy that plays no role in the health of the child in the past. "Shoulder-launched surface-to-air missiles are frankly of no concern to a healthcare provider and any physician accused of violating this law will be brought before the Florida Board of Medicine for disciplinary action."