Pfizer Announces Expanded Line of Zithromax Cough and Cold Remedies.....

New York- The pharmaceutical company Pfizer has announced plans to release an expanded line of Zithromaximum over-the-counter cough and cold remedies inspired by their popular antibiotic Zithromax. The new products will complement the earlier rollout of Zithromaximum Cough Relief Sprinkles, which was the first cough medicine specifically designed to be sprinkled on Ben & Jerry's ice cream.

Aziz Ansari (shown here not sexually assaulting anyone) 

"Those money spewing flesh widgets just love Zithromax," Pfizer President and CEO Ian Reed explained. "It's the most popular antibiotic on the market for a reason. We've got focus groups where toddlers will ask for this stuff by name. Fucking toddlers, I shit you not! And the cough sprinkles? Huge! I'm talking boner pill huge."

According to Reed, consumers can expect to get the same kind of relief from their viral respiratory symptoms with an over-the-counter Zithromaximum product as they do when Zithromax is prescribed by a physician for a serious bacterial infection presenting with the exact same symptoms. He literally said that to me. And then we shook hands on it. And he looked me in the eye like a man.

Zithromax is a macrolide antibiotic derived from erythromycin, an older antibiotic that was discovered one day under a pile of rocks in the Philippines. It works by inhibiting bacterial growth through the disruption of protein synthesis. It has been one of the most popular antibiotics in America for over a decade, primarily prescribed to treat respiratory tract infections, chlamydia, and physician uncertainty. The new cough and cold products won't contain any actual Zithromax, which can only be obtained by prescription, but the word will be featured prominently on the label so that even a stupid kid can see it.

"The new products will give customers more control over the experience of their illness," Mort Fishman MD, an infectious disease expert on the development team at Pfizer, explained. "These are high quality ingredients and all-natural flavors contained in a unique formulation. There just aren't any cough and cold products on the market that are more effective. Not one."

According to Fishman, the additions to the product line will include Zithromaximum-AM with Caffeine, Zithromaximum-PM with Benadryl, Zithromaximum Pain and Fever Relief with Tylenol, and Zithromaximum After Dark. "Zithromaximum After Dark will contain a proprietary blend of secret ingredients. I can't tell you what's in the blend exactly, but I can say that it's about 90% ground up tree frog." 

Olympics to Consider a Ban of Performance Enhancing Kinesiology Tape.....

Lausanne, Switzerland- Based on a recently completed scientific assessment of 2nd generation kinesiology tapes, and the advanced taping techniques developed since the 2012 Summer Olympic games, the International Olympic Committee (IOC) is considering a total ban of performance enhancing tapes.

Haphazard application of modern kinesiology tape is the leading cause of death and loss of limb in elite athletes according to (remember to get the name of that expert from Jim).

"This is an issue that the committee is taking very seriously as the start of the games in PyeongChang nears," IOC President Dr. Thomas Bach explained. "Progress in taping technology over the past 6 years has caught us all a little off guard, and none of us want another Wheaties situation on our hands."

Most fans of the games are familiar with kinesiology tape, particularly after widespread use emerged during the 2012 London Summer Olympics. More primitive versions of kinesiology tape, and the rudimentary applications at the time, primarily served to aid in muscle recovery by improving lymphatic drainage and reducing inflammation. The latest applications actually appear to enhance athletic performance beyond what would have otherwise been humanly possible and is almost certainly what allowed so many unexpected results in Rio two years ago, such when Larry Anderson broke the record in the alternating tetrahedralon by 11 quods.

The IOC funded study has found that modern kinesiology taping methods, which work by connecting the tissue around muscles along a specific kinetic chain, results in performances closer to and even exceeding an individual competitor's innate potential. According to Dirk LaGrange, a Certified Kinesio Taping Practitioner, so-called "power taping" might even be dangerous in the wrong hands. "Inexperienced trainers, sometimes even the athletes themselves, are applying tape that is 180% more elastic with tighter weaving and stronger adhesive capability. Someone is going to get hurt."

8th Edition of the Neonatal Resuscitation Program to Address Ankyloglossia.....

Itasca, IL- In response to a request from the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) Section on Breastfeeding and Baby-Friendly USA (BFUSA), the next edition of the Neonatal Resuscitation Program (NRP) will include recommendations on the diagnosis and management of ankyloglossia.

"Resuscitation of the newborn is nuanced and multifaceted," certified lactation counselor and BFUSA Board of Directors Chair Theresa Landau explained. "We aren't asking for there to be a delay in providing effective ventilation, at least not yet, but the evidence is overwhelmingly clear that breastfeeding provides optimal nutrition and should be encouraged at every step of the process."

As part of the upcoming 8th edition of the program, which is jointly sponsored by the AAP and the American Heart Association, a new lesson module will cover the basics of assessing for the presence of a lingual frenulum, or "tongue-tie", as well as any restriction in the movement of the tongue. If it is determined that a baby requires help with initiating breathing, typically done by inflating the lungs with the use of a manual resuscitator bag, then corrective measures should be considered. The most common corrective measure for ankyloglossia, a procedure known as a frenotomy, involves using sterile scissors to snip the excessively tight frenulum. This has been shown in some studies to be associated with improvements in breastfeeding in a percentage of the participants.

(M)ask adjustment
(R)eposition airway
(S)uction mouth and nose
(O)pen mouth
(P)ressure increase
(A)lternative airway
(F)renotomy

("MR.SOPAF" mnemonic for corrective steps during resuscitation from the NRP 8th edition)

Several additional changes to the NRP guidelines will further support breastfeeding. These will include maintaining direct skin-to-skin contact between the newborn and mother while placing an endotracheal tube and offering counseling on the benefits of breastfeeding over infant formula during the first minute after delivery of all infants born at less than 32-weeks gestation. Some experts, like Bobak Ghaheri, MD, a surgeon who specializes in laser-frenotomy in breastfeeding newborns, think that the new guidelines don't go far enough. "Pediatricians are idiots if they think that we should be waiting until birth to manage ankyloglossia!"

It is not uncommon for new editions of the NRP to include major changes. Based on mounting evidence against the practice, the prior update recommended against routine tracheal suctioning of non-vigorous newborns when the amniotic fluid is found to contain meconium, which is the medical term for an infants first stool. According to AAP President Fernando Stein, MD, FAAP, pediatricians will likely be quick to adopt the latest guidelines as well. "Pediatricians care for children who are developing, who are rapidly achieving new milestones as they age. You might say that we are experts in change."

Where Are They Now?: Celebrity Pet Psychic Loora Finchly.....

Los Angeles, CA- There was a time when internationally known pet psychic Loora Finchly couldn't walk down the street in Los Angeles without being recognized by the pets of the rich and famous. These days, rather than counseling Paris Hilton after an argument with her teacup Pomeranian, Finchly can usually be found sitting in Grand Park talking to squirrels. And not LL Cool J's squirrels either. Just regular squirrels.

A regular squirrel, shown here with nothing particularly interesting at all to say about anything

"I once got a phone call from a dog handler in the Kennedy administration after Pushinka growled at little Caroline," Finchly explained. "Now that dog knew some things, but he made me promise not to tell. It's one of my biggest regrets. Maybe if I had, he wouldn't have been...."

Finchly's gift was put to use by presidents, kings, and Hollywood celebrities. Even NASA called her when Enos, who would become the first chimpanzee in space, kept having nervous diarrhea during training. But the call she remembers most was one she never actually received. "I knew that my star had fallen when the heptapods came in 2016 and they called a linguist...a God damned linguist!"