White House Confirms President Trump's Perfect 2019 March Madness Bracket.....

Washington, D.C.- During a press conference today, Press Secretary Sarah Sanders confirmed that President Trump has the only remaining perfect bracket in the White House staff March Madness pool.

Press Secretary Sarah Sanders, shown here reacting to the implication that President Trump's preternatural ability to analyze complex data and his uncanny powers of intuition may not be enough to beat the 1 in 2.4 trillion odds of picking a perfect March Madness bracket

"Obama filled out a bracket every year that he was in office and never got them all right," Sanders revealed. "Last year he very wrongly picked Michigan State to win the tournament. Michigan State didn't even make it to the finals. This was just one of many failures for a broken man whose presidency will undoubtedly go down as the worst in recorded history."

According to Sanders, not only has Trump picked the winner correctly through the first 48 games of the tournament, he has also predicted the final scores. Some reporters in attendance admitted skepticism of the Press Secretary's claim, which led to a heated exchange. "It's true, you know it's true, and he will release his bracket once the tournament is completed. Frankly this kind of dissent is un-American, and it may even be treason. This is something that President Trump is looking into right now."

More American Newborns are Being Lost in Hospital Pneumatic Tube Systems.....

Houston, TX- When Bamanda Ellis delivered her first baby at a premiere academic birthing center in Houston, the last thing she expected was to go home without her child. But instead of driving off with a car seat full of hopes and dreams for the future, Bamanda and her husband Tab had a tracking number and a promise to be notified as soon as their baby was found. Their child had joined a growing number of newborns being lost in hospital pneumatic tube systems across the United States.

"Seeing those little bastards fly by just makes my day."
-Fred Grimley, Facility Engineer at Cleveland's Hospital for Mothers, Babies, Etc.

Pneumatic tube systems are a standard technology in large healthcare facilities. When seconds count, rapid and reliable delivery of blood products, tissue samples, and medications can literally save lives. But according to a recently published report from the Office of the Surgeon General, 7% of newborns are lost in these popular delivery systems every year, the majority of which were born prematurely and at a low birthweight for their gestational age.

"It might take a nurse or transport team ten to fifteen minutes to move a critically ill baby from point A to point B in this facility," Neep Gunderstone, an expert in neonatal logistics at Texas Children's Pavilion for Women. "The sooner that a lifesaving intervention can be initiated, the better the outcomes tend to be. And in the rare cases where a neonate is lost, they have usually just been tubed to the wrong station and we typically find them within 3-5 business days."

Though a common practice in large neonatal intensive care units and nurseries, it is not without its critics. According to United States Surgeon General Jerome Adams MD, this century-old technology needs to be updated before being used to transport patients. "Frankly it's embarrassing. I keep telling them not to use the tubes for that."

Thankfully the story of the Ellis family has a happy ending. Their child was eventually found in the radiology reading room and returned to the worried parents. And according to the relieved new mother, there may be a surprising silver lining. "I know he's just a week old, but I think he really learned a lot down there. Just imagine, my baby...a radiologist."