Silverdale, WA-Tiffany Garrett, a librarian at Silverdale Elementary and mother of 6, called in to a local radio program today to help raise awareness of the dangers that children face around Halloween.
"Most parents supervise their children while trick-or-treating so that they aren't abducted by sexual predators or hit by a car," Garrett explained. "Many are even aware of the need to inspect treats for hidden razor blades and poison. But suprisingly few parents are aware of another lurking danger that children face upon returning home."
Garrett does believe that Halloween treats can be deadly, even if they don't contain arsenic or HIV infected blood filled syringes, as is often the case these days. A simple MRI scan of your child's bag of goodies, and a run through a mass spectrometer, can rule out these concerns. According to Garrett, these basic safety checks unfortunately fall far short of fully protecting our children.
"Today's treats are chock full of dangerous, obesity causing substances such as sugar, fat, and trans fat. Studies I've heard of reveal that just one box of Nerds candies increases the risk of diabetes by 300%. And a Hershey's Minatures Mr. Goodbar decreases a child's life expectancy by 6 months. A Krackel by a full year. This is why I only give out healthy snacks and porn."
Thank the Good Lord for Zoo Knudsen!
ReplyDeleteThe science news reported here makes SENSE!
thank you for reporting on this serious health issue. You did neglect to mention one additional dangerous substance found in most Halloween candies: insect parts. Shudder. Lets keep the scary stuff out in yards and neighborhoods, where it belongs... not in the Butterfingers.
Human beings would all have the lifespans of ocean quahogs if we would only stop contaminating our bodies with transfats and insect parts and Hershey's Miniature Mr. Goodbars...
Would you provide a list of recommended healthy snacks?
your fan,
Mrs. Tiggywinkle