Music Industry Calls for More Heroin Addicts to Work on Their Music.....

New York-As increasing numbers of the elite talents in the music industry are being lost to the ravages of time and mental illness, experts are predicting that the major labels may soon face an insurmountable lack of new singers and songwriters, prompting representatives from the "Big Four" to call for more heroin addicts to work on their music.

At an emergency press conference, held today on the roof of a Manhattan International House of Pancakes, a panel of industry executives urged struggling singer-songwriters to pick up the needle.

"Last year was pretty rough for us," Sony BMG CEO Rolf Schmidt-Holtz explained. "Don Ho and Ike Turner died, American Idol proved useless once again, and Brittney is one buzz cut away from complete psychosis. We are in desperate need of an influx of fresh talent, and historically heroin addiction has played a large role in the maturation process of up and coming artists."