Knoxville, TN- Baffled by the unusual finding of a rapidly spinning pulsar locked in an elongated orbit around a star similar to our own sun, something deemed highly improbable according to current models, cosmetologists across the nation are scrambling to explain the phenomenon.
"What really concerns me is that it goes completely against everything we thought we knew," cosmetologist Scott Riddlemark explained during a press conference held in the shampoo lab at the Tennesse School of Beauty, the planned future site for a Generation II Super Large Hadron Collider. "I've spent the past 6-months studying hairstyling, skin care, cosmetics, manicures, pedicures, and even electrology, with an additional 30 hours of online research in Seasonal Color Analysis, and I have never encountered a pulsar in anything but a perfectly circular orbit."
As the dust slowly settles, theories are beginning to emerge that may answer the questions raised by this suprising discovery and advance our understanding of the universe considerably. Riddlemark, a master stylist with an advanced degree in theoretical cosmetology, believes that it all boils down to split ends. "If reality is composed of hairs 10−20 times the diameter of a proton, each vibrating at unique resonant frequencies and collectively determining the different fundamental forces of nature, perhaps some events can be explained by the stripping away of a hairs protective quantum cuticle thus resulting in a cosmic split end."
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