New Study Shows American Penises Are Shrinking.....

Durham, NH-Adding to the growing literature on penile length, a recent scientific study out of the University of New Hampshire reveals that a surprising number of American men have had their penis shrunk by West African sorcerers.

After compiling data from nationwide telephone surveys of almost twenty thousand men, and follow-up examination and testing at participating centers across the country, researchers found that a suprising variety of male phenotypes have been affected. "We found surgeons and investment bankers as often as we found bartenders and personal trainers," lead researcher Frank Plemmons explained. "Some commonalities did emerge however, such as tribal or barbwire armband tattoos."

According to the study, the majority of individuals found to have had their penis shrunken or stolen expressed shock and, in a suprising twist, relief. "I can't imagine why they would single me out as a target of their evil black magic," Chicago financial advisor and penis theft victim Huntington Riegel Stockton Heatherly III revealed. "I've never even been to Africa. But I'm just happy to finally have some answers. Now the healing can begin."

Not every victim of the recent wave of witchcraft related phallus snatching is as positive about the experience however. New York bartender and aspiring actor Brody (no last name given), like many others, has been unable to come to terms with the loss. "They're just jealous man. Jealous of how I nearly hook up with so many hot chicks almost half the time. I need a Red Bull and Grey Goose before I hit the tanning beds!"