Area Picnic Ends in Kale Induced Bloodshed.....

Brookline, MA-As authorities interviewed witnesses and attempted to sort through and identify body parts, a police spokesperson addressed a growing crowd outside Waldstein park, confirming that another area picnic had ended in kale related bloodshed.

"We see this kind of thing in Brookline all the time, but this was different," city police sergeant Jim O'Malley explained. "The quinoa riots of 2010. That time the Hubway was out of bikes. But there were kids playing here today. Just honest to God good kids, playing."

Although details are few, it appears that the violence erupted when a local parent brought non-organic, non-locally grown kale to a potluck picnic for children attending a nearby preschool. But why would such a seemingly minor insult lead to such an extreme response? Local chiropractor Frank Grimes has a theory.

"All it takes is the introduction of a mind altering toxin like high fructose corn syrup, maybe in a beverage containing less than 100% pomegranate juice or a tray of McDonald's cheeseburgers that were contributed ironically."

Several children remain missing and authorities have released their names and pictures in the hopes of quickly reuniting them with loved ones. Thankfully, most of the children had chips with GPS tracking capabilities implanted at birth, allowing anyone with an iPhone 5s to locate them. If anyone has any information on the location of the following children, please contact the Brookline police department. Also if found, their parents ask that you not give them anything with gluten in it.

Atticus Sinclair Finley, age 3
Odin Barnaby Jones, age 3
Bouden Wainright Temple, age 8
Persephone Elizabeth Sinclair, age 2
Allegra Bistro Franz, age 11
Zanzibar Bacon Lewis, age 4
Klondike Elizabeth Shue, age 6
Elizabeth Elizabeth Hauck, age 9
Seven Eleven Cumberbatch, age 15 months
Abercrombie Sorbet Colette, age 8