Area Man Accidentally Becomes One with the Cosmos While Stretching.....

Tonganoxie, KS- When Grint Richards began his morning stretching exercises on what seemed like a typical cool May morning in Tonganoxie last week, the last thing he expected to find was complete oneness with the cosmos.

Grint Richards, shown here mere seconds prior to achieving an orgasmic unity with the building blocks of the divine infinite

"I had just eaten half of a bagel and started a nice slow standing quad stretch," Richards explained. "The next thing I knew I had achieved an immaculate state of supreme bliss, mastered time, matter and space, and freed myself from cause and effect. Then I finished the other half of the bagel."

News of Richards' accomplishment quickly reached the leaders of the various Yoga communities. Bellur Krishnamachar Sundararaja Iyengar, one of the foremost yoga teachers in the world, welcomed the humble Midwestern sorghum farmer with open arms. "Most people take years to achieve this kind of connection to the universe. Mr. Richards must surely be the Chosen One who has come to fulfill the prophesy of the ancients."