Coaching Epidemiologists Concerned Over Rise in Childhood Lollygagging.....

Easton, PA- Epidemiologists at the National High School Coaches Association headquarters in Easton are warning parents and school administrators after new research suggests the current generation of athletes may be the first in history to have higher rates of lollygagging than their parents.

A young athlete demonstrating stage 3 lollygagging just 2 weeks before succumbing to the disorder and signing up for Astronomy Club

"We weren't expecting the problem to be this widespread," NHSCA Executive Director Bobby Ferraro explained. "Sure there have been anecdotal reports from coaches around the country, but you know what happens when you assume, right? It makes an ass out of you and me. Now give me ten laps and then hit the showers!"

The new report, which will be published in Online Publishing Module 103 - Sport's Related Functional Disorders in March, reveals a 35% increase in lollygagging among high school athletes. Another concerning finding according to Ferraro was a substantial decrease in elbow grease. "There are players out there right now capable of giving at most seventy five, maybe eighty percent if they've gotten all the lead out. And there haven't been this many kids with their thumbs up their asses since tracking began in 1906."