Rediscovered Bylaw Grants NPR Ombudsman Ultimate Authority Over Life and Death.....

Washington, D.C.- After the recent rediscovery of a long forgotten bylaw, found inscribed on a marble tablet stuck behind a broken vending machine in the basement of their world headquarters in Washington, the position of NPR Ombudsman has been granted ultimate authority over employee life and death.

Terry Gross, host and executive producer of Fresh Air, shown here just prior to being drawn and quartered for speaking a bit too slowly during an interview

"The task of the NPR Ombudsman has always been to serve as the public's representative," current Ombudsman Elizabeth Jensen explains. "Independence is crucial in responding to criticism and questions about transparency or ethics at NPR. Equally important, and I've said this from day one, is the ability to have transgressors put to death in the courtyard at noon on Tuesdays."

The NPR Ombudsman receives thousands of inquiries from listeners every year, and is charged with addressing public complaints about programming choices and comments made by on-air staff, like Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me! host Peter Sagal, who was recently executed after a fan of the show was offended by a joke about Vladimir Putin and a water buffalo. According to NPR CEO Jarl Mohn, complaints are actually down nearly 15% since the reinstatement of capital punishment in January, and morale is at an all-time high. "I think it's pretty clear that total compliance with the Ombudsman is imperative in running a successful media organization. I for one thinks that she needs another raise. Help me."