Trump Orders Nation's Schools to Form Ragtag Team of Misfits in Case of an Active Shooter.....

Washington, D.C.- In response to mounting concerns over school safety in the wake of the recent mass shooting in Florida, President Trump has issued an Executive Order mandating that all schools form a ragtag team of misfits, each with a unique skill, that could respond to emergencies involving an active shooter.

A team of unlikely heroes from Astoria Middle School, shown here just prior to thwarting the plans of an area crime family 

"You would only need a small team, with a nerd that's good with computers, a chemistry dweeb, an ugly girl who is attractive when you take off her glasses, a mysterious loner with a bad reputation who is secretly sensitive and shy, and maybe a fat kid who is really strong," Trump explained. "These kids are going to be total underdogs and nobody is going to expect them to succeed, but I think that they could end the attack very quickly."

In the order, Trump provided additional details to help schools put together a collection of outcasts in the event of an attack, pointing out several times that the girl on the team should just be movie ugly and not ugly ugly, and that she should have a nice set of hooters and a sweet can that you can really grab a hold of. But some experts, like pediatric trauma surgeon Mort Fishman, are expressing skepticism. "It's a promising idea, but there are some issues that need ironing out before implementation. Will the nerdy kid have a robot sidekick, for example? Will there be enough time for the team to make a plan and prepare their arsenal of traps and makeshift weapons or will they need a montage?"