Washington, D.C. - A group in Washington representing the nation's fentanyl dealers has issued a full recall of the latest batch of product designed to addict children, this time by mimicking the look of Jordan Almonds.
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| This adorable bag, which contains enough fentanyl-laced Jordan almonds to kill every wedding guest in Pittsburgh, died from a contact overdose last week |
"It has quickly become apparent that kids in the United States just aren't big fans of almonds and it's time to cut our losses," Fentanyl Suppliers of America spokesperson Jimothy Pinkman admitted. "Someone in our market research division dropped the ball and heads are going to roll."
All across the United States, small decorative lace bags of fentanyl-infused candy coated almonds are going undealt, and fentanyl traffickers worry that this may result in a significant decrease in overall addiction rates among children. According to some experts, like drug dealer and historian Spike "Kid Candy" Levinson, this isn't the first time the trafficking community has swung and missed in a big way. "This reminds me of the "New Crack" roll out in 1985. We couldn't give that stuff away either."
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