Vatican City - Senior Vatican officials have announced today that the largest recall of tainted holy water in church history is currently underway, with priests around the world emptying fonts, stoups, and aspersoria into biological containment units specially designed by church scientists and sanctified by Pope Francis.
"This is bad, just really bad," Cardinal Gary Castigliano explained. "There hasn't been a recall of this magnitude since 1583, when nearly a million souls were doomed to eternal torment in a lake of fire because of an improperly blessed batch."
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| The Globodyne Industries Holy Water processing facility is expected to be back online by late March, when it will resume not working on potential biological weapons, so there isn't any need to investigate or look in that room right there, because that's just where they keep boring old office supplies and who wants to see that? |
The source of the contamination that has left thousands of churchgoers questioning the existence of a supreme being, as well as the legitimacy of church dogma, has been traced to a processing facility owned by Globodyne Industries. According to CEO Maximus VII, Globodyne has been working with the Vatican to produce the recently unveiled holy water with probiotics, which is claimed to strengthen the immune system and help regulate bowel function in addition to opening the door to salvation through baptism. "It's a revolutionary upgrade to traditional holy water, and can I just add that Globodyne has never participated in any gain-of-function research involving the SARS-CoV-2 virus. I really want you to put that in the article."
Church microbiologists have isolated the highly infectious organism Lactobacillus atheistophilus from cultures obtained at the production facility. Decontamination teams are performing a thorough exorcism/bleaching of the facility, and the pope is asking that anyone with any doubts regarding their faith seek immediate assistance from their priest.
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