Wonkaville - A federal court has now permanently enjoined the Wonka Chocolate Factory from preparing, processing, and distributing adulterated and misbranded fizzy lifting drinks.
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| A 1971 photo of Wonka Chocolate Factory founder Willard Wilbur Wonka (right) with current owner Charlie Bucket (middle), who some experts believe was the victim of predatory grooming |
"The Wonka factory has been falsely marketing their fizzy lifting drinks as a naturally uplifting alternative to traditional carbonated beverages," Acting Assistant Attorney General Steve Turkentine of the Justice Department's Civil Division explained. "But these products are essentially just bottles of Wonkaville municipal tap water mixed with bath salts."
"Bath salts", the street name for synthetic cathinones, are designer drugs similar in structure to a chemical found in leaves of the khat plant chewed by some in East Africa for their mild stimulant effects. The synthetic versions are often considerably stronger and associated with the potential for intense hallucinations and even psychosis. The Department of Justice, in a complaint filed on January 19th at the request of the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA), has alleged that by adding these dangerous chemicals to their fizzy lifting drinks the Wonka Chocolate Factory, along with company officers Charlie Bucket and his grandfather, Joe Bucket, is in violation of current good manufacturing practices, relevant food safety standards, and hazard prevention measures.
According to the complaint filed in a U.S. District Court, the FDA has received information that at least five children have experienced severe psychosis involving the belief that they could fly after drinking fizzy lifting drinks. The FDA has documented other consumer complaints, such as experiencing intense, hyperrealistic, and emotionally unsettling hallucinations. One victim described the ordeal in an affidavit obtained by the FDA:
One minute I'm sitting there enjoying a Fudge Mallow Delight bar and some fizzy lifting drink I bought at Bill's Candy Shop, and the next thing I know I'm surrounded by flying cockroaches, millipedes crawling over someone's face, an eyeball really close up, a chicken being decapitated, a lizard eating an insect, some old white guy in a bowler hat, and then a scorpion's mouth. It was extremely traumatizing.
Subsequently, the agency has warned consumers, restaurants, distributors, and retailers not to drink, cook with, sell, or serve fizzy lifting drinks produced at the Wonka Chocolate Factory. According to Turkentine, who attended law school later in life after a career in education, food and water sold to consumers must be safe. "The Department of Justice will continue to work closely with the FDA to ensure that bottled beverages and other product we eat and drink are manufactured in compliance with the law. Food safety, my dear friends, is 93% dedication, 6% investigation, 4% prosecution, and 2% butterscotch ripple."
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