Advertisement: Fentascan Portable Fentanyl Security System from Globodyne Industries.....

[The following is a paid advertisement from Globodyne Industries. The views presented do not necessarily reflect those of Zoo Knudsen or of Knudsen's News.]

Scared?

Confused?

Curious?

You could be overdosing on fentanyl!

The Fentascan portable fentanyl security system, shown here protecting children at a Little League baseball game from an overdose, is powerful enough to detect when someone is even thinking about fentanyl

Fentanyl is everywhere these days, from building air vents to leftover Halloween candy, even on our pets and children. That means you and your family aren't safe anywhere or at any time. In fact, right now there could be fentanyl where you least expect it, just waiting until you make a mistake. 

Look out...it's behind you!

Not anymore. It ends here. It ends now. With Fentascan from Globodyne Industries, the first and only portable fentanyl security system, you don't need to worry every again. Using a proprietary space age technology*, Fentascan allows you to take charge of your life. You can protect your family. You can protect everyone you love from harm. You can enjoy every touch!™

Enjoy every touch!™

Because the Fentascan portable security system is lightweight, uses our patented Sure-Grip technology to reduce slippage, and has a long lasting rechargeable lithium ion battery, it can go where you go and work as hard as you do. And it couldn't be easier to use. Just point the Fentascan antennae at whatever surface might be contaminated with fentanyl. If it beeps once every 2 seconds, touch away. If the beeps increase in frequency to once every 1.8 seconds, you are in immediate danger and should maintain a safe distance of at least ten feet from the object, child, or beloved family pet.

Slightly faster means disaster!

Fentascan can be used in the following situations to improve safety and restore your peace of mind:

1. Birthday parties and anniversaries 
2. Before meals, especially breakfast
3. Before bed at home or at a sleepover
4. Before bringing a homeless woman back to your apartment
5. Before accepting change from a cashier
6. Before trying random pills found on the street
7. Before engaging in athletic competitions that require close physical contact, like high school wrestling, shirtless volleyball matches while attending Top Gun, or adult wrestling
8. Before petting strange dogs at the park
9. Before being petted by strangers at the park
10. Before arresting a black man for acting nervous

*Do not under any circumstances attempt to look inside the Fentascan personal security system. Any such attempt will be aggressively prosecuted by Globodyne Industries and is dangerous because it could explode. Besides, you wouldn't understand such a complex piece of technology anyway so why even bother?