Washington, D.C. - In response to the widely reported death of Nan Dunkin' last month, Republicans in the House of Representatives have passed new legislation designed to prevent another tragedy.
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| The open manhole in Queens that Nan Dunkin' fell into on her birthday |
"Nobody deserves to die like that," Congressman George Santos (R-NY) explained. "I saw it with my own eyes and the image is burned into my memory. That's why I had to do something. That's why I wrote this bill."
Dunkin', a Queens native who Santos says "totally exists", was never recovered from the sewers despite an exhaustive search by authorities over several days. According to Santos, the unfortunate victim accidentally fell into an open manhole when she was startled by a dollar bill on the sidewalk that she thought might have fentanyl on it. "I saw it happen like it was in slow motion. I ran and threw myself forward in an attempt to grab her outstretched hand as she plummeted through the open manhole, but I was too late. Our eyes met for just an instant as she fell, and she told me to keep fighting despite all the vicious attacks from the liberal media."
The bill, which will still need to pass in the Senate and be signed into law by President Biden, increases penalties on anyone who forgets to put the cover back on a manhole and extends fentanyl-free zones around manholes to 10 feet. Experts, such as emergency medicine physician Mort Fishman, believe that while deaths related to falling into an open manhole are uncommon, they have increased in recent years as more pedestrians are distracted by smartphones and the fear of getting some fentanyl on their skin like in those police videos. "Deaths usually occur because of blunt trauma caused directly by the fall, but you also have to worry about getting eaten by an alligator or one of those C.H.U.D.s"
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