Republican Scientists Predict Peak Heterosexuality by 2030

Washington, D.C. - As Pride Month rages across the United States, Republican scientists are warning that the country may reach peak heterosexuality by 2030 if extreme changes are not implemented in the next few years.

A typical kindergarten class like this may only have 3 or 4 boys that aren't into other dudes in the year 2050

"This analysis caught us completely by surprise," Chaz Harley, Chief of Heteronormative Biology at the Patriot Scientists of America Institute (PSAI), explained. "We knew that the groomers were effective, but 2030? That means we only have a few election cycles left to do something about this or people alive today might see the birth of the last straight child. It's like Children of Men, but everyone is gay instead of infertile."

The research team at PSAI based their assessment on an updated scientific questionnaire that was emailed to everyone signed up to receive their weekly newsletter, "The Straight Beef". Harley, who owns six pairs of cargo pants and has a subscription to Men's Health, believes that this approach has been proven effective. "This is the same study methodology that correctly predicted that white people would be the most discriminated-against population in American society ever by 2020."

Actor Clive Owen, shown here rescuing the last straight child in the post-heterosexual dystopian nightmare that awaits us if you don't vote Trump in 2024

What is to blame for declining heterosexuality? The PSAI report reveals that liberal government policies and new innovations by the LGBTQ+ community, such as children's books where a kid has two mommies and a guy in a dress drinking Bud Light, are important factors. Harley, who dated Tomi Lahren for 3 weeks in college and has never let a man give him a massage, hopes that people are inspired to vote in 2024. "I'm not ruling out the potential future discovery of new deposits of heterosexuality out there, perhaps in the Arctic or in some undiscovered region of New Jersey, and a Republican president can dip into our strategic reserves in the meantime."