MargoLago, FL - Former President of the United States of America Donald Faison Trump promised a return to coal-powered toothbrushes during a campaign rally in New Hampshire last week.
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| Donald Trump, shown here lightly running his tongue along the underside of his human teeth, plans to put coal-powered toothbrushes in every home by Christmas of 2025, which everyone will be talking about again thanks to him |
"You know I have these brilliant white chompers," Trump told the enraptured crowd of supporters. "And when I have them cleaned, I want a brush that really gets in between all the crevices and beneath the gum line like a real powerhouse, but you use these new toothbrushes and they just lightly push all the food particles around."
During the speech, Trump announced his plan to direct the United States Department of Energy to release new guidelines enforcing a return to coal-powered toothbrushes. "Wind and solar power are more expensive, less effective, and what do you do on a cloudy day? Do you just use a washcloth, or maybe a Q-tip?"
Trump went on to bemoan the poor quality of modern electric toothbrushes. According to the thrice indicted former business owner, coal-powered brushes will be good for the environment. "These cheap brushes with their solar and their wind, which the whales and the birds are dying because of, they don't work so good. You know what you do? You brush about 10 times longer, you have to brush multiple times a day, and you use more water and more electricity. I'm going to break all that up."
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