Naturopathic Researchers Link 95% of Chronic Illness to Oxygen Consumption.....

Kenmore, WA- Results of a decade-long study by Naturopathic researchers at world renowned Bastyr University are revealing some surprising truths about the connection between chronic heath problems and early childhood exposures.

According to new research, genetically modified scrod, shown here next to a traditional New England dining baton, may not be to blame for most chronic diseases. 

"The Naturopathic philosophy was built on a foundation of uncovering the path to truth regardless of where it leads," Bastyr president Daniel Church explained. "We're pretty comfortable with uncertainty and with following the evidence, even when we don't like the results."

According to Naturopathic physicians, whose incomes are legally equivalent to the money earned by regular physicians according to the Internal Revenue Service, it has long been known that the vast majority of human ailments are caused by the toxic environment we live in and create within ourselves through dietary choices. Most practitioners, like Kenmore native and Naturopathic Elder Grip Whitley, tend to blame illness on a wide variety of modifiable risk factors like the overgrowth of yeast in the body, exposure to WiFi and eating genetically modified scrod. "Human health is increasingly complex, and our diagnostic repertoire has had to expand significantly over the years in order to satisfy today's modern patients."

But the new study, published in Online Publishing Module 419 - Naturopathic Studies (Miscellaneous), is leading the Naturopathic community to question that approach because it found that nearly 95% of all chronic medical problems can be linked causally to oxygen consumption. "According to Wikipedia, we know that oxygen is associated with seizures, lung injury and blindness," Whitley revealed. "We are literally rusting at the cellular level!"

The team of researchers at Bastyr, led by Grand Elder Rance Witherspoon, is now planning to shine the light of Naturopathic discovery on the roughly 5% of people who appear to be immune to the effects of oxygen exposure. "Our initial research, which consisted of a telephone and email survey of Washington residents, was fine for gaining a global perspective of health. But surveys are too imprecise to tease out the finer points of wellness." According to Witherspoon, in addition to a larger survey, phase two of their research will also include observations made by Bastyr students and pre-elders while on a field trip to the Macaroni Grill at nearby Alderwood Mall in Lynnwood as part of a Clinical Diagnosis Elective and Continuing Naturopathic Education course.