Bully Scientists Close to Mapping Nerd Genome.....

Rapid City, SD-In a historic announcement today, an international team of bully scientists have announced that they are close to completing a full map of the nerd genome.

Hyperdweeb Velma Dinkley, shown here working on the case of the oddly stiff sock. Shaggy would later confess and leave the team. Years later, over drinks and leftover Chinese food, the four remaining Mystery Incorporated members would laugh about it as they each swallowed a 9 gram capsule of secobarbital.

"Bullies all over the world should appreciate this milestone," team leader Dr. Joey "The Gooch" Edwards explained. "Once we fully understand the genetic building blocks of the nerd, we will be one step closer to understanding geeks, dweebs, goobs and the elusive hyperdweeb. Once that is accomplished, we may finally come to understand who we are and why we are here."

Not everyone appreciates the recent advances in bully science and its social implications, including powerful nerds and goobs like Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerberg and Velma Dinkley. Gates revealed from his orbiting control center that "This is nothing but more bully propaganda being pushed on the American public under the guise of scientific progress." Dinkley added that "When fascism comes to America, it will migrate through polyacrylamide gel and give atomic wedgies!"