Vatican City- Less than a month after her death at the age of 46, world famous gorilla Koko is on track to be canonized faster than any primate in recent memory according to sources within the Vatican.
"We are close to approving a third miracle attributed to Koko," Cardinal Secretary of state Pietro Parolin explained. "On one hand, I'm not surprised given her amazing ability to understand and use human language. But if you had told me a month ago that she would meet the requirements faster than that monkey from Friends, I'd have been like, could that...be any more unlikely? See what I did...like Chandler."
When it comes to determining who qualifies for sainthood, there are very specific guidelines. According to Parolin, protocol requires that any non-human, non-feline, animal perform three miracles after it has died. "That's one more than what is expected from human saints, who are generally preferred after that time Saint Lassie ate Jesus's last pizza roll."
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| Daniel Thompson, a Ugandan mountain gorilla, shown here using a combination of American Sign Language and International Morse Code to describe the miraculous resolution of a severe respiratory infection after having a vision of Koko. |
"We are close to approving a third miracle attributed to Koko," Cardinal Secretary of state Pietro Parolin explained. "On one hand, I'm not surprised given her amazing ability to understand and use human language. But if you had told me a month ago that she would meet the requirements faster than that monkey from Friends, I'd have been like, could that...be any more unlikely? See what I did...like Chandler."
When it comes to determining who qualifies for sainthood, there are very specific guidelines. According to Parolin, protocol requires that any non-human, non-feline, animal perform three miracles after it has died. "That's one more than what is expected from human saints, who are generally preferred after that time Saint Lassie ate Jesus's last pizza roll."
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