Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Pope Reveals Additional Policy Changes in Heaven.....

Vatican City- Less than a week after revealing that baptized heterosexual dogs who have accepted Jesus Christ as their personal Lord and Savior have a place in Heaven, Pope Francis has now also confirmed several additional policy changes.

Soulless feline Hank Stevens, shown here reacting to the news that cats remain barred from a Heavenly eternity in Christ 
"These recent announcements are leading to an increasing division among Church leaders," Rev. Lars Fransisco, Ph.D., a professor in the Saint Mary's College of California Department of Old Timey Expressions and an expert on the Vatican, explained. "If I know my onions, those Cardinals can't tell a bimbo from a bearcat right about now. And between you and me, I'd bet a wooden nickel that some of them wouldn't mind giving that old hotsy-totsy an icy mitt!"

In addition to accepting dogs, the following updates to Heaven will also go into affect as of January 1st, 2015:
1. Heaven will now offer internet access.
2. Worthy souls will be granted one "Get Out of Hell Free" pass which will allow new members to retrieve any soul in the eternal torment of damnation at the time of admission.
3. Sorry, no cats.
4. Taco Tuesday.
5. The standard issue white tunic will now also be available in creme and ivory. 
Adding to the controversy surrounding the Pope's bombshell revelations is the fact that they were made during casual conversations with an ill child, rather than during an officially sanctioned Church meeting, sporting event or genocide. Some detractors, like Larry "the destroyer" Abbaddon, the angel of the abyss and king of locusts, are questioning the motives of the Pontiff. "This is clearly motivated by increasingly empty pews and collection boxes. What's next, a Jesus for a day contest!"

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