Florida Police Issue Windblown Fentanyl Warning as Hurricane Idalia Makes Landfall.....

Miami, FL - Law enforcement experts from the Miami Police Department are warning people living in Florida and other states in the path of Hurricane Idalia to be on the lookout for windblown fentanyl.

Hurricane Idalia, shown here containing enough windblown fentanyl to kill every man, woman, and child from Florida to South Carolina

"Anyone in the path of this storm needs to stock up on Narcan," MPD Corporal Chad Blaze explained. "With sustained winds of 125 MPH and gusts up to 160 MPH, fentanyl from Cuba, and maybe some from around Tallahassee, Tampa, and Jacksonville, is going to be blown all over the rest of Florida, large parts of South Carolina, and potentially other states in the region. Hopefully people will be take this seriously and stay inside. Please just stay inside."

In response to criticism from some non-police toxicologists, the MPD claims to back their concerns up with hard science. According to police toxicologist Mort Fishman, studies on fentanyl dispersal using artificial wind tunnels found that exposure to fentanyl in winds of greater than 120 MPH resulted in overdose symptoms. "When locked in a wind tunnel with even just a few micrograms of fentanyl nearby in an open container, these subjects developed difficulty standing up straight, elevated heart and respiratory rates, and extreme emotional disturbances once winds approached and surpassed category 4 hurricane speeds. So you can tell Ryan Marino to go suck an egg!"

Local Toddler Saves Man's Life With Chiropractic Adjustment.....

Belvidere, NE - Despite having received very little training in the assessment and management of spinal pathology, Belvidere toddler Croaker Norge came to a man's rescue during a chiropractic emergency while dining out with her last week.

Belvidere toddler Croaker Norge, shown here using a chiroclicker toy to gently adjust the spine of a doll suffering from a chronic stage 3 vertebral subluxation, is offering a Preschool Wellness Package* for only $39.99

"I've never seen anything like it in more than twenty years of practice as a chiropractor," Frank Grimes, DC, explained. "Not only did she provide a controlled and perfectly targeted adjustment to correct the acute subluxation of the tenth thoracic vertebra, she applied the exact right amount of force. This kid is some kind of prodigy."

Also impressed by Croaker's innate skill is the man she saved. According to Jimron Watkins, who had been having some mild lower back pain and brain fog for several days leading up to his dinner reservation that night, the last thing he expected was a full return to optimal health and wellness. "I had just ordered the meatloaf at Ronda's and felt a light tap on my back. I turn around and there she is adjusting my spine with that toy Dr. Grimes gives out to the kids in his clinic, and with the exact amount of pressure you might use to check the ripeness of a tomato."

Despite the attention that little Croaker has been receiving since that night at Ronda's, she has remained humble and focused on her mission to restore nervous system function to everyone she meets. Nancy Norge, Croaker's grandmother and legal guardian, says that Dr. Grimes might just have some competition for the hearts, minds, and spines of the good people of Belvidere. "She's always going up to people and fixing their backs, just like Dr. Grimes does at those wellness checks. And yesterday she recommended that one of the other kids at the park avoid the new Covid vaccine. We are all just so proud of her."

*This includes a full spinal evaluation, up to three adjustments, baby carrots, and a juice box

Kraft Heinz Announces Lunchables Line for Gay Kids.....

Chicago, IL - The Kraft Heinz Company, America's third largest food company with nearly $30 billion in global annual sales, has announced that it will begin production of a new line of their popular Lunchables snacks and meals designed specifically for gay children.

Gay 5-year-old Lance Stanford, shown here excited about an upcoming trip to Provincetown to see his favorite drag queen doing Ms. Appleberry from CoComelon, is totally the Samantha of his playgroup

"Our Brunchables meals are going to be effortlessly stylish, carb focused, and designed to feed at least twenty of those sassy little guys around a big table," Kraft Heinz CEO Miquel Patricio explained. "And did I mention the mocktails? Those kids are going to love the mocktails!"

Not everyone is excited about the launch of the new line of packaged meals for children, however. Some experts, like conservative childhood developmental psychologist Bob O'Callahan, are worried that impressionable young children will be tricked into making a lifestyle choice that they aren't mature enough to understand. "As I wrote in my book, 7 Ways to Raise Children who Love America, Hate Big Government, Fit into Rigid Social Norms, and Love America, parents should have the ultimate authority over whether or not their child is exposed to what is essentially just culinary grooming."

Psychic Contacts Man's Deceased Third Cousin, Once Removed.....

Toledo, OH - While attending a reading by world renowned psychic Jim Edwins at a taping for his show, Toledo fireman Frank Woods was amazed by the clairvoyant's ability to communicate with a deceased family member.

Psychic Jim Edwins, shown here filming a 60-second quibisode for Quibi Mini, had his intuitive diagnosis of a woman's plectal derangement confirmed by a fully apprenticed nutritionologist

"I don't know how he did it, especially in less than a minute in order follow the strict requirements set by the good folks at Quibi Mini, but he definitely had Cousin Mabel," Woods explained. "Only psychic powers could have revealed that her name started with an A, C, D, G, K, M, P, R, T, or W, and I can't wait to watch the episode on my Blackberry Storm, which has an exclusive contract with Quibi Mini."

Psychic communication with the dead is as mysterious as it is misunderstood. When asked about his supernatural gift of piercing the veil that separates the living world and the afterlife, Edwins revealed that he doesn't have control over his ability. "The spirits come to me and pass on whatever message they feel needs to be shared with the living, so it's not really a back and forth conversation like you might have with a living person or a cat. For example, they might tell me that they once lived on a boat, or near one, or near a body of water, or something blue, or that they liked water, or to fish, or to eat fish."

New Fad Diet Works, but Really Stupid According to Experts.....

Near Harvard - A popular new fad diet has experts concerned, and they are getting the word out to the public that it's really stupid.

Mort Fishman, MD, shown here working late on his birthday, not that anybody at the lab remembered, while investigating this stupid fad diet that everybody has been talking about lately 

"This diet is really stupid," human science expert and part-time medical endochronologist Mort Fishman, MD explained. "I'm not saying that it doesn't work, just that it's incredibly stupid and you will look and feel like a real idiot when you're on it. I mean, I've lost 20 pounds and I just sit in this science lab all day doing science studies. Even today...on my birthday."

As the list of celebrities, athletes, and celebrity athletes endorsing the controversial diet grows, its popularity among normal humans has become increasingly clear. According to Fishman, you almost certainly know somebody stupid enough to try it. "I didn't even have to come in to the lab to work on this today. All my friends were like, Morty, that's what my friends call me, Morty come hang out with us. We want to throw you a big birthday party. And my girlfriend, you don't know her, she doesn't live near Harvard, anyway she's like, I've got a special present for you in the bedroom Morty. But no, I'm here talking about this dumbass diet."

Police are Warning People to Avoid Getting Shot as Reports of Fentanyl-Coated Bullets are on the Rise.....

Miami, FL - Law enforcement experts from the Miami Police Department are warning citizens to avoid getting shot after learning of deaths linked to fentanyl-coated bullets.

A large pile of bullets coated in enough fentanyl to kill a few hundred people in Pittsburgh

"I've been doing this job for six years and I thought I had seen it all," MPD Corporal Chad Blaze explained. "But when I started hearing about people being killed by the fentanyl from bullets...I couldn't believe it. First it was Halloween candy and now this? These dealers are sick people and it's a sick world. Just a sick world."

Miami police first suspected that bullets found inside of gunshot victims had been adulterated with fentanyl when blood collected during their hospitalization revealed traces of the terrifying drug. According to police toxicologist Mort Fishman, what started out as a hunch based on decades of experience has now been replicated several times. "A buddy of mine works at Ryder Trauma and he ran the first test on a patient recovering from a gunshot wound to the abdomen over in Allapattah. I think it should be a standard test and maybe Narcan should just be given to everyone who gets shot just to be safe."

Jeopardy! Announces Changes to Upcoming 40th Season.....

Culver City, CA - The 40th season of the Peabody Award-winning game show Jeopardy! is set to begin on September 11th, and producers are announcing some big changes for the popular quiz competition.

Jeopardy! contestants will need to watch out for the dreaded Whelpy! in season 40, but who is he and what happens when you reveal his clue? 

"The writer's strike is definitely something that we have had to take into account when deciding on the overall structure of the show for the upcoming season," Executive Producer Michael Davies explained. "With nobody to write new clues, we had to get creative and come up with a different approach that I think long time fans will be okay with."

Though known for its unique reverse quiz show format, where contestants are provided a series of clues for increasing monetary values that can be collected only once a correct question is determined, the new season of Jeopardy! will focus more on physical challenges. According to Ken Jennings, a former Jeopardy! contestant and co-host of the show along with brain expert and actress Mayim Bialik, things are going to get a bit messy. "From the tossup stunt to win control of the first round to the physical challenges that teams can choose to participate in if they are stumped by a clue, let's just say that we have a huge slime budget this season."

Jennings will serve as the official host of the 40th season. Bialik, star of The Pumpkids Movie 2: The Return of the Pumpkids!, has temporarily left the show in order to complete her phase 3, multi-center, randomized, placebo-controlled study of Neuriva Plus Jr. for the treatment of pediatric-onset brain mush. She will likely return for special events, such as the Jeopardy! Masters!! Tournament!!! or Toddler Jeopardy!, once she has completed her research.

According to Davies, the most common question he gets about the new season is about the clues. "Who is going to write them if we don't have any writers? Using a combination of ChatGPT and pointing at random encyclopedia entries while blindfolded, contestants will still receive clues just like in previous seasons. And if they reveal the dreaded Whelpy! when choosing a clue? You'll just have to tune in to find out what happens!"

Traditional Chinese Medical Experts Baffled by Man Born Without Meridians.....

Natick, MA - Traditional Chinese medical experts remain baffled by the recent discovery of a Massachusetts man seemingly born without acupuncture meridians, but a leading theory has emerged.  

Rab Garrett, owner of Garrett Landscaping and Lawn Maintenance in Natick, is the first human to be diagnosed with complete congenital Qi deficiency

"This truly is unexplored territory and we don't exactly know what to make of the finding," Dr. Chulong Xue, head of Qi dynamics for the National Center for Complementary and Integrative Health's Task Force on Traditional Chinese Medicine, explained. "We don't know how the subject is even alive, let alone how he has maintained a successful landscaping business for the past 18 years, but you can be certain that we are going to get to the bottom of this."

Meridians are vital conduits that serve as a distribution network for the dispersal of energy throughout the human body. According to Dr. Mort Fishman, the director of Mysteries of the East Lansing Med Spa and Acupuncture Warehouse, home of the 5-Minute Miracle intravenous hangover cure, this energy, known as Qi, binds and sustains all life in the universe. "It's quite simple really, but also highly complex, and the whole system contains a number of core concepts that reveal themselves in subtle yet obvious ways, and we've known this for thousands of years."

Xue and his team of researchers, consisting of some of the brightest minds in meridian research, have spent the past several days working on an intriguing hypothesis that could explain how a human could live and thrive without any measurable Qi. After spending several hours examining the subject's tongue and pulses for clues, and running him through a functional MRI a few times, Xue concluded that they were dealing with a Chinese hopping vampire, known as a Jiangshi. "The ability to maintain form and function despite a complete absence of a meridian system can't be explained any other way, and if allowed out of it's containment unit this creature will absorb the Qi of every last creature on Earth."

More Hospitals are Preparing "Crash Carts" for Chiropractic Medical Emergencies.....

Davenport, IA - When a medical emergency occurs in a hospital, seconds can make the difference between life and death. Having the right medications and equipment readily available is key in optimizing patient outcomes. In an effort to expand their capability of responding to a wider variety of potential clinical scenarios, more hospitals are stocking crash carts with tools designed to address chiropractic emergencies.

A newborn patient, shown here suffering from an acute cervical subluxation caused during delivery, was saved by a chiropractic activator after his nurse called a Code Accordion

"A crash cart is a self-contained, mobile unit that carries virtually all the materials, medications, and devices necessary to save the life of a patient who is experiencing a medical emergency in the hospital," Davenport Regional Medical Center Executive Director Fudge Harley explained. "Historically that meant a cardiopulmonary arrest, but that left a lot of patients with alternative emergencies at risk of delayed care."

Since April, crash carts at Davenport Regional have stocked adult and pediatric activators for use during chiropractic codes. An activator is a handheld spring-loaded device that allows a trained professional to apply a targeted application of force to an individual vertebral body, providing a low force adjustment that corrects a spinal misalignment without causing injury to any surrounding tissues. It's an advancement in chiropractic science that has translated into significant improvements in the stabilization of patients suffering from total collapse of the spine secondary to sudden-onset subluxation disorder, otherwise known as Accordion syndrome since first being described by chiropractor Robert Accordion in 1907.

"Most hospitals keep a defibrillator and a heart monitor with their crash carts," Frank Grimes, a chiropractor and emergency chiropractic technician in Belvidere, Nebraska, revealed. "Having an activator on hand when things go south can restore spinal integrity, restart the flow of nerve energy from the brain to every cell in the body, and restrict an acute subluxation from evolving into a chronic problem."

Since adding activators to their crash carts, there have been noticeable improvements at Davenport Regional. According to Harley, patients are safer and the staff is more confident. "Everyone is very satisfied, just impressively satisfied according to the latest mandatory survey. And we've gone 4 months without any deaths from when a patient's spine collapses down on itself and then their torso bobs up and down comically."

Dr. Grimes is currently offering a Restore, Restart, Restrict package for only $99. This includes a full spinal analysis using a spectral resonance matrix scanner designed near NASA as well as one week of adjustments. Call today!

Chiropractors Report Record Cases of Neck Complaints Caused by Quarantine Beards.....

Belvidere, NE - The pandemic may be over, but thousands of men who grew facial hair during the days of social isolation and working from home have maintained their rugged look after the SARS-CoV-2 virus mysteriously disappeared last August, and many are now suffering from potentially life-threatening complications.

Comedian Louie CK, shown here noticing a sexy potted fiddle-leaf fig in the corner of the room, has developed compensatory baldness while battling chronic beard neck

"Gravity is a bitch," Dr. Frank Grimes, a Belvidere chiropractor who specializes in neck bones and facial wellness, explained. "A typical full beard adds an additional 400 newtons of postural torque to what the neck of a man with face baldness has to deal with when sitting or standing upright. The neck is either going to be pulled out of alignment or he will have to lean backwards enough to counterbalance the weight. I've seen healthy adult men reduced to being pulled around in a wagon, and some of them end up suffocated by the weight of their beard. It's really sad."

Grimes has published a series of landmark case reports in Online Publishing Module #79,215: Beard Neck, Text Neck, Really All the Necks demonstrating both the destructive nature of what has come to be known as "beard neck", as well as the power of chiropractic treatment. He recalls one encounter while backpacking in Acadia National Park a few months ago. "This guy was collapsed near Thunder Hole and he was short of breath, dehydrated, and riddled with cervical subluxations under a bushy Balbo beard. I never leave home without my travel Activator, so after a few highly specific adjustments and a quart of rehydration solution he was able to make it back to his car unassisted."

There are frequently unintended and unexpected consequences when large numbers of people make lifestyle changes in response to societal upheaval that was probably all fake, and the epidemic of beard neck and the many physical, mental, and spiritual complications caused by it are no exception. According to Dr. Grimes, even he has been surprised by some of the changes he has seen. "The human body is always evolving in order to find an equilibrium with our environment, but it's an imperfect process. I've seen a number of men with beards who have developed so-called "male pattern baldness" over the past 3 years and I have to wonder if it is an attempt to shift hair weight into a more balanced distribution."

Dr. Grimes is currently offering a Summer Savings package for men with beards. This includes a complete beard analysis, which includes weight, depth, and vibrational frequency, as well as treatment if indicated for only $99. Call today!

Waterworld Director Says I Told You So: "It's All There in That Movie!"

Hollywood, CA - Waterworld director Kevin Reynolds joins the discussion on climate change and rising sea levels, warning that too much water will upset the delicate balance of humanity's land-based existence, Knudsen's News has learned.

Fishy, portrayed by twin actors Kevin and Raymond Costner, is shown here with his wife and daughter looking for a place to call home in a scene from the epic post-apocalyptic film Waterworld: The Day the Earth Was Wet

"I think that we will face some serious issues with flooding, and if we don't do something soon there may not be much land left to live on, and then things are going to get really wet and wild," the Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves director told ZooTV News. "Can you imagine all that water just everywhere, the whole place just being covered by it and humans can no longer just walk around or sit on a park bench?"

Reynolds wasn't finished, adding that water isn't as comfortable or safe an environment for humans as land. According to the 71-year-old co-writer of the 1984 cult classic Red Dawn, his masterpiece Waterworld was ahead of its time in portraying mankind's damp future. "It's the year 2500 and the ice caps are gone, water has covered the continents, and the first of the merpeople have appeared. I warned you in 1995, and you didn't listen."

Kevin Costner, who starred in Waterworld as the half man, half fish antihero known only as "Fishy", recently praised Reynolds for predicting the rise of sea levels and the transition to a dirt-based economy.

"Today, people are frightened, because where are they gonna go," the Sizzle Beach, U.S.A. star said during a recent event in Los Angeles titled Sitting Near Kevin Costner While He Talks to His Friend. "And in this movie, in Waterworld, we talk about the oceans rising almost to the top of Mt. Everest, and people have to live on boats and poop in the water, and the water around where they live is probably just full of floating poop. It's practically a reality, not a fantasy or a far off future. It's here...today."

Juul Announces E-Cigarettes for Health Conscious Consumers.....

Washington, DC- Makers of the popular American electronic cigarette brand Juul have announced that they will begin offering a line of more health conscious products in 2024.

Juuler Jim Jergens, shown here lamenting the lack of a vape juice designed specifically for men with erectile dysfunction

"People talked and we listened," Juul CEO KC Crosthwaite explained. "And what they are saying is that one of the biggest hurdles to picking up one of our products and Juuling for the first time is the concern that they aren't putting something healthy into their bodies."

Like other electronic cigarettes, Juul products work by atomizing e-liquid, also known as e-juice or vape sploosh, into a vapor that can be inhaled by the user. According to Dr. Mort Fishman, a medical school graduate and certified vapologist in Juul's research and community engagement division, vaping is the perfect opportunity to mix pleasure and healthy living into one activity. "Worried about gluten intolerance? Juul will have you covered. Looking for a way to support your immune system? Why not try Juul's new Antioxidant Burst kit? And our Narcatine blend is perfect for police and other first responders who might come into contact with fentanyl in the line of duty."