Traditional Chinese Medical Experts Baffled by Man Born Without Meridians.....

Natick, MA - Traditional Chinese medical experts remain baffled by the recent discovery of a Massachusetts man seemingly born without acupuncture meridians, but a leading theory has emerged.  

Rab Garrett, owner of Garrett Landscaping and Lawn Maintenance in Natick, is the first human to be diagnosed with complete congenital Qi deficiency

"This truly is unexplored territory and we don't exactly know what to make of the finding," Dr. Chulong Xue, head of Qi dynamics for the National Center for Complementary and Integrative Health's Task Force on Traditional Chinese Medicine, explained. "We don't know how the subject is even alive, let alone how he has maintained a successful landscaping business for the past 18 years, but you can be certain that we are going to get to the bottom of this."

Meridians are vital conduits that serve as a distribution network for the dispersal of energy throughout the human body. According to Dr. Mort Fishman, the director of Mysteries of the East Lansing Med Spa and Acupuncture Warehouse, home of the 5-Minute Miracle intravenous hangover cure, this energy, known as Qi, binds and sustains all life in the universe. "It's quite simple really, but also highly complex, and the whole system contains a number of core concepts that reveal themselves in subtle yet obvious ways, and we've known this for thousands of years."

Xue and his team of researchers, consisting of some of the brightest minds in meridian research, have spent the past several days working on an intriguing hypothesis that could explain how a human could live and thrive without any measurable Qi. After spending several hours examining the subject's tongue and pulses for clues, and running him through a functional MRI a few times, Xue concluded that they were dealing with a Chinese hopping vampire, known as a Jiangshi. "The ability to maintain form and function despite a complete absence of a meridian system can't be explained any other way, and if allowed out of it's containment unit this creature will absorb the Qi of every last creature on Earth."