Pharmaceutical Companies Turn to Novel Marketing Tactics.....

New York - The phenomenal success of direct-to-consumer mass media advertising in increasing the public awareness of new medications, as well as in boosting the number of prescriptions written for them, has helped make billions in profits for the pharmaceutical industry. Despite this, industry leaders are raising concerns that this approach has reached a point of diminishing returns. In response, New York-based pharmaceutical company Phizer Inc. announced today during a meeting with investors that they plan to "evolve and expand" their promotional efforts in order to improve market visibility and profit margins.

Six proprietary infants genetically modified by Phizer to secrete a specific treatment for moderate to severe plaque psoriasis

"Frankly, I don't know why we didn't think of this sooner," Phizer CEO Albert Bourla explained. "There are so many children out there without parents or homes, and who haven't yet been named by the state-run facilities where they are stored. Product plugs are vital to our sales so we have worked out a deal where everybody wins!"

After holding newly christened 1-year-old former orphan twins Lipitor and Lyrica Phizer aloft to the throng of reporters at a press conference held after today's meeting, Bourla revealed the company's plans to purchase unwanted infants and toddlers for use in the new program. "Once legal ownership of the children is acquired by Phizer, our recruits will undertake a rigorous curriculum so that by age 5 they will be capable of discussing the fantastic benefits and minimal side effect profile of their namesake in detail with their friends' parents, daycare workers, or any random stranger within a 10-foot radius."

New Program Aims to Help Mothers Stop Formula Feeding.....

Franklin Park, IL - Despite being told over and over again how healthy human breast milk is for infants, thousands of women continue to expose their children to artificial manufactured meal replacement formulas. A new approach, modeled after traditional 12-step mutual aid programs, may help some of them recover from the compulsion to formula feed.

A woman, shown here selfishly giving in to her unhealthy formula feeding compulsion, who has refused to humbly ask God invisible sky daddy the all-powerful spiritual manifestation of the cosmos to remove her character defects

"One of the most important aspects of our program is the focus on personal responsibility and ownership of our choices," The Milk Patrol Council member Arlene Goodwrench explained. "We aren't a religious organization, but I'm pretty sure that if God had made an eleventh commandment it would have been to not give that crap to babies."

The first, and arguably most important step in the new program involves a mother admitting that she is powerless over formula and that her life has become unmanageable. Goodwrench, who works as a part time lactation consultant in Fort Worth when she isn't yelling at women who bought formula outside of the Target by Pleasant Acres Senior Living Community, says that she has heard a lot of excuses over the years from addicts. "They tell me that their baby deserves formula, or that they'll lose their job if they switch to breastfeeding. But excuses like that are like nipples. Everybody has one. Well, they have two but you know what I mean."

Florida Chemists Call for Ban of Trans Isomers.....

Tallahassee, FL - An influential group of conservative chemists are calling for the total ban of trans isomers in Florida's public schools.

PCF President Hank Clutch, shown here confused by compounds these days with their lack of respect for the spatial arrangements of atoms that made America a great country when he was a kid growing up in 1960s Tampa

"We aren't interested in a compound's functional groups or what side of a double bond they claim to be on," Patriot Chemists of Florida (PCF) president Hank Clutch explained. "But there is no place for trans isomer ideology in teaching children about organic or inorganic compounds, alkanes, or even alkenes. I'm not even sure they should be allowed in good Christian chemistry at any level."

Not all chemists in Florida agree with the stance of the PCF. Some, like liberal science teacher Amy Cliffbar, believe that children of all ages can learn about the fluidity of stereoisomers while also being exposed to the full range of chemical property expression in a safe and supportive educational environment. "The way we discuss stereoisomers is important.Trans isomers generally have a lower boiling point, and that is likely in part because of the harsh way that they are treated by misguided conservatives in organizations like PCF."

Elon Musk Announces Plans to Disrupt the Elevator Industry.....

Austin, TX - Controversial South African business purchaser Elon Musk has announced plans to revolutionize the common building elevator using technology developed for traveling around the solar system.

Elon Musk, shown here announcing the development of the Muskevator, which will move passengers at over 26,000 feet per second and horizontally as well as vertically

"One of the most frustrating aspects, I think, and most people think as well, of moving from floor to floor in a conventional building is the time wasted using outdated elevator technology that involves simple gears. pulleys, or even magnetic levitation," Musk explained during a recent speech at the International Elevator Expo in Walla Walla, New South Wales. "As with cars, space travel, social media, and rescuing children from caves, this is an industry that is ripe for disruption."

Musk plans to incorporate the raptor engine developed by SpaceX for use in their Starship and Super Heavy vehicles into the design of his upgraded elevator system, which he is calling the Muskevator. These engines burn liquid oxygen and methane and are extremely efficient according to the Twitter buyer. "The Muskevator will travel at speeds of up to 18,000 mph, meaning that a passenger can get to any floor in even the tallest building in mere seconds, and at a cost per ride comparable to a full fare economy airline ticket."

Equipping building elevators, and perhaps even escalators in the near future, with an engine designed for space travel has more potential benefit than simply saving time moving passengers from the lobby to the 4th floor atrium. According to Musk, a more powerful engine means more carrying capacity. "A standard elevator in a low-rise building can hold somewhere around a thousand kilograms, and no non-rocket propelled elevator can carry more than at most double that. The Muskevator will easily transport 150 tons. That could be a couple thousand office workers trying to get to an early morning meeting, or a housewife returning from a trip to Costco. The options are only limited by the imagination of the human spirit."

Not all experts are on board with Musk's plan to upgrade outdated elevator technology. Melvin Jenkins, the facility services manager at a large residential building in Manhattan, is raising concerns about the safety of the Muskevator. "What if some kid pushes all the buttons? Can a child tolerate that many g's or will their head snap right off? I hope he tests these things on some chimps or something first."

So far, Musk isn't outright denying that there may be some hiccups in the design and development of the Muskevator. And he's wary of any high profile accidents after a SpaceX Starship rocket exploded in April. "Look. We aren't going to put human passengers in one of these things until they are as reliable as an airplane and capable of functioning even if it loses an engine or the parachute fails to deploy. They will be safe and I'm willing to stake my entire reputation as a business genius on this."

Cootie Shot Expert Challenged to High Profile Debate with Anti-Shot Candidate for Class President.....

Pearland, TX - Area rising 4th grader Jeorff Grogan has challenged CDC cootie researcher Dr. Hammond St. Michelle to debate anti-shot class presidential candidate Woody Kilmore after she criticized the candidate for doubling down on his controversial stance during the "Cafeteria Connections with Jeorff Grogan" segment of the Silverlake Elementary School morning announcements last week.

Musk, shown here suffering from severe cooties, would likely qualify for a trial investigating a potential cure but would probably just eat some sheep anal gland extract he heard about from a blue check twitter account with 5 followers instead

Grogan pledged to donate a nearly full box of strawberry Gushers left over from his birthday party last month to the class "snack stash" if St. Michelle agreed to debate Kilmore, who has launched a bid to become class president in the 2023 fall election. Grogan's challenge, which was heard by nearly 300 students, prompted St. Michelle to respond in a now-deleted tweet, which turned into a heated exchange.

"Be serious Jeorff, Gushers are what you bring to a weekend sleepover," St. Michelle wrote. "$50 worth of Hershey's Miniatures, which you/your mom/Woody can easily afford, not for me but so we can give them to the kids in the free lunch program. But only after Woody takes back what he said about me being a poo face with a face that belongs in the toilet, and how the toilet won't flush because my face is made of so much poo that the janitor had to use an extra large plunger."

Twitter owner Elon Musk tweeted about the situation, writing that St. Michelle "doesn't care about having cool snacks in class" while Kilmore agreed to the kind of debate that "all the kids who haven't been put in time out deserve."

St. Michelle has since publicly decried the attacks that she has received, lamenting the fact that many Grogan listeners appear to believe Kilmore's anti-cootie shot claims. "The school doesn't even pretend to monitor Grogan's anti-shot propaganda, including the conspiracy theory that the cootie shot made Timmy C. crap his pants during PE back in March. He got crypto from his uncle's hot tub. I've seen the medical records. The shot had nothing to do with it!"

(The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention says that there is no link between cootie shots and public diarrhea.)

St. Michelle, the director of the CDC Division of Cootie Prevention, said she would be thrilled to join Grogan during his segment to answer his questions. She also offered for Musk to visit her cootie shot laboratory to learn more about her work. She even invited Musk, who she believes almost certainly has cooties, to become a participant in one of several trials investigating potential treatments. "Oh, he's got cooties. Bad cooties. Shia LaBeouf level cooties."

Grogan called this response "a non answer," and made clear his dissatisfaction with St. Michelle calling him out publicly. "I challenged you publicly but you started it. I went on record that I know you are. I know you are, but what am I? What am I, Hammond? If you think you know, let me just go ahead and tell you that I am rubber and that it's your move now."

Backwoods Southern Lawyer Convention Votes to Ban Women Partners.....

Memphis, TN - The annual meeting of the Backwoods Southern Lawyer Convention (BSLC) voted to affirm a decision made earlier this year to remove Reynolds, Dixon, & Maynard, a major southern Mississippi law firm, due to its having women partners.

Members of a BSLC Sub-Committee, shown here having just voted to allow lawyers to bring their best hunting dog to work as long as isn't one of those gay ones...like a French poodle or a Coton de Tulear

Representatives at the conference in New Orleans overwhelmingly supported the decision to expel the firm according to the vote count reported Wednesday morning. The representatives, known as couriers, also voted to affirm the ousters of two other firms, including The Law Offices of Boudreaux and Thibodeaux in Lafayette, Louisiana, which has had a female managing partner since 1993.

The vote to uphold the removals came just a few hours before a two-thirds majority of the Backwoods Southern Lawyer Convention, the largest distinct doctrinal body within the practice of law in the Deep South, separately voted to approve an amendment to its constitution that would more broadly prohibit law firms from having women hold any ownership interest, let alone a leadership position such as senior or managing partner.

The Backwoods Bulletin, which describes itself as the BSLC's official news service, reported that Reynolds, Dixon, & Maynard was found "to be full of sass and all cattywampus" with the BSLC's "statement of hierarchy," which says in part that "the position of partner is limited to men."

Not all members agree with the decisions. Among those who asked the BSLC to allow women to make partner in their respective law firms was Jake "The Alabama Hammer" Hammer, a lawyer in Birmingham, Alabama who is a pit bull in the courtroom. "I believe strongly that women have a place in law firms as partner, senior or even managing partner, as long as they don't get paid as much as men."

Hammer, who reads law books like other people read menus, appealed to the representatives to "act like true backwoods lawyers who have historically "agreed to disagree' on dozens of doctrines in order to share a common mission of taking rights away from gay people," per the Backwoods Bulletin, which reported that Hammer will fight to get you every dollar that you deserve from those big insurance companies if you've been injured by an 18-wheeler.

Reginald Jenkins, one of the Jenkins boys from Jeanerette, Louisiana and senior partner at Sugar City Legal Services, has identified himself as the person who introduced the amendment. In a video, he explained that the goal was to encourage backwoods southern lawyers to stick with the traditions of legal practice that helped to make the South what it is today. "Our belief is that having women run things around here is a dog that just won't hunt. In fact, it's barkin' up the wrong tree entirely, if you asked me. Now why don't you sit a spell and let me tell you about my pappy, who started this here law firm back when I was just a tadpole."

More Hospitals Rely on New Assessment Tool to Measure Baby Bonding.....

Nashville, TN - Experts agree that the bond between a newborn baby and their former host is one of the most important psychosocial milestones in childhood, and an increasing number of hospitals are using an objective assessment tool to provide real-time feedback so that the healthcare team, in consultation with the mother, can make informed parenting choices.

A mother, shown here more than 3 inches from her newborn, has probably already doomed the baby to a lifetime of despair because of poor bonding in the pivotal first 18 to 26 years

"Bonding is the intense attachment that develops between a mother and her baby," Mort Fishman, Chief of Neonatal Psychology at Willie Nelson's Birthing Pavilion within Vanderbilt Children's Hospital in Nashville, explained. "It's what inspires a mother to love their baby and to care for them despite all the exhaustion, the drain on financial resources, and the loss of personal freedom. And let's not forget what it does to their bodies, which is just a shame...a real shame."

Scientists don't know everything about bonding between a mother and a baby, which was first discovered by a team of top white men in the 1960s, but we have learned a lot. It is clear, for example, that a strong attachment helps to establish a relationship pattern that will last throughout the lifespan of a child. Studies of newborn monkeys who were given mannequin mothers at birth showed that human infants should be held face down against their mother's bare chest frequently until at least senior year of high school in order to ensure that they never experience any emotional dysregulation during the transition from the neonatal period into a 4-year undergraduate program.

"Bonding is key in the development of a sense of security and positive self-esteem," Fishman revealed. "A mother's responsiveness to an infant's behavioral cues has a huge impact on their social and cognitive development, and a non-bonded newborn is more likely to suffer from despondency and despair. Sad babies just break our hearts here at Willie's. I just spoke to a nurse over at Reba McEntire's Center for Women and Hot Chicken Hut and she said they feel the same way over there."

One of the most challenging aspects of assisting the bonding process has been a lack of insight into the perspective of the baby and a means of determining an exact percentage of bonding on a real-time basis. The development of an assessment tool that uses objective data from a bedside evaluation of a newborn was something that neonatal psychologists like Fishman waited decades for. "This is a game changer in my opinion. This scoring system is something that we now use in our pavilion to give women feedback on how good of a mother they are being, but it's also something that fathers can easily learn to use at home. Most women do great, but some just need a little nudge in the right direction to get above the recommended benchmark of 80% bonded."

Bonding is a complex and personal experience that often benefits from the outside opinions of friends, family, and random people in Facebook comment sections. Fishman adds that there is no magic formula when it comes to ensuring a successful bond between a mother and her baby. "No, it certainly isn't something that we just came up with a few decades ago in order to blame mothers for stuff like juvenile delinquency or autism. It's a science. And it's important."

Republican Scientists Predict Peak Heterosexuality by 2030

Washington, D.C. - As Pride Month rages across the United States, Republican scientists are warning that the country may reach peak heterosexuality by 2030 if extreme changes are not implemented in the next few years.

A typical kindergarten class like this may only have 3 or 4 boys that aren't into other dudes in the year 2050

"This analysis caught us completely by surprise," Chaz Harley, Chief of Heteronormative Biology at the Patriot Scientists of America Institute (PSAI), explained. "We knew that the groomers were effective, but 2030? That means we only have a few election cycles left to do something about this or people alive today might see the birth of the last straight child. It's like Children of Men, but everyone is gay instead of infertile."

The research team at PSAI based their assessment on an updated scientific questionnaire that was emailed to everyone signed up to receive their weekly newsletter, "The Straight Beef". Harley, who owns six pairs of cargo pants and has a subscription to Men's Health, believes that this approach has been proven effective. "This is the same study methodology that correctly predicted that white people would be the most discriminated-against population in American society ever by 2020."

Actor Clive Owen, shown here rescuing the last straight child in the post-heterosexual dystopian nightmare that awaits us if you don't vote Trump in 2024

What is to blame for declining heterosexuality? The PSAI report reveals that liberal government policies and new innovations by the LGBTQ+ community, such as children's books where a kid has two mommies and a guy in a dress drinking Bud Light, are important factors. Harley, who dated Tomi Lahren for 3 weeks in college and has never let a man give him a massage, hopes that people are inspired to vote in 2024. "I'm not ruling out the potential future discovery of new deposits of heterosexuality out there, perhaps in the Arctic or in some undiscovered region of New Jersey, and a Republican president can dip into our strategic reserves in the meantime."

Writers Guild of America Strike May Force Studios to Dig Deep into Reality Show Stockpile.....

Hollywood, CA - The 2023 Writers Guild of America strike is forcing American television studios to consider dust off reality show ideas that likely wouldn't have seen the light of a camera under normal circumstances. 

Zac Efron, shown here next to a scary bear, is set to host the upcoming Fox reality show Look, a Bear! where blindfolded contestants must decide if there is a deadly grizzly bear behind them or if it's just a recording

"When the strike began on May 1st, we knew this was going to supercharge the production of unscripted content," Fox Broadcasting Corporation Chairman and CEO Lachlan Murdoch explained. "And it will almost certainly give us the opportunity to air inventive programming that subverts the expectations of the American audience. It's going to get real nuts around here in a few months."

Entertainment historians are predicting a boom in reality show popularity, similar to what happened during the 2007-2008 writer strike that helped to catapult shows like Keeping Up with the Kardashians into the limelight. Some critics of the reality genre, like Lloyd Brunch of TVBiz.com, question the ethics of programs that often manipulate participants in unhealthy ways. "Look, I enjoy genuine unscripted moments of authentic human engagement as much as anybody. Maybe more. Maybe a lot more. Maybe because I don't have anyone in my life to talk to that really gets me. What was the question again?"

Experts Recommends ZShield Face Shields as Canadian Smoke Blankets the East Coast.....

West Columbia, SC - As millions of people along the East Coast are facing another day of poor air quality caused by dense clouds of smoke from Canadian wildfires, the South Carolina-based digital manufacturing company ZVerse, Inc. is recommending the use of their innovative ZShield Wrap face shields.

A child having his ZShield Wrap face shield adjusted by his mother. Does she still wipe your ass too? That's why your dad left. You know that don't you? It's all in the letter she keeps in that box under the bed, Timmy. Be a man, wait until she goes to the gym tomorrow morning, and read it.  

"People in places like Pennsylvania, New York, New Jersey, and the D.C. metro area are dealing with some of the worst air quality on record right now," ZVerse, Inc. CEO John Carrington Explained. "Our shields are designed not only to protect people from inhaling harmful particulate matter, but to feel comfortable and to allow effortless communication."

While reduced visibility and irritation of the eyes and nasal passages are an issue for anyone exposed to high levels of smoke, public health experts are particularly worried about high risk populations. Mort Fishman MD, a retired physiatrist and medical consultant for ZVerse, Inc., is warning people with underlying heart and lung disease, the elderly, and young children to take extra precautions before venturing outside. "Stay inside if possible. And if you have to go out, the ZShield Wrap is more functional and effective than traditional cloth masks. One study found that they reduce inhalation of particles that are .3 microns or less by 95% when worn along with an N95 mask."

Another Children's Literature Classic Banned in Florida.....

Pensacola, FL - Adding to a long list of books that have been banned in recent months because of the concerns of a small number of conservative adults, Pickles the Atheist Pig's Pointless Day will no longer be found on library shelves in Florida's Escambia County School District.

Pickles the atheist pig, shown here watching his friend Patches being led to an uncertain future by powerful forces beyond his control and wondering if there is any point to his existence or if is he no better than the ants crawling under his feet, ants whose world will end in a cataclysm with the next hard rain as ours will end engulfed in the expanding fire of the Sun that once gave us all, ants and atheist pigs alike, a few moments of warmth in a cold and empty universe

"This is a book that has been recommended by experts in childhood education and development to provide young learners with a wider range of viewpoints and life experiences," author Jake Leblanc explained. "What about the teachers who rely on my book to teach their students that nothing matters, or how ultimately we will all end up rotting in the ground and forgotten by a world that has, at most, only a few decades of remaining cohesive societal organization. That there is no god or gods who will suddenly appear and save any of us."

The ban of Pickles the Atheist Pig's Pointless Day is yet another example of right-wing groups seeking to remove books from school libraries that discuss race, racism, LGBTQ+, and other identities that they feel aren't consistent with conservative Christian values. Some parents, such as Pensacola native and Mothers Against Grooming Atheists member Frandra Debbin, are concerned that these books undermine parental rights to teach their children in the way they deem best. "I have nothing against atheists. I love my atheist friends. I hang out with them all the time and I support their right to live the life they want. I just don't want them and their wicked beliefs in our schools because I don't want my kids to burn eternally in the fires of Hell, which is all any good mother really wants...right?"

Republican Scientists Raise Concerns of Interference in Research from George Soros.....

Washington, D.C. - Republican scientists, from conservative cosmologists to radical right radiogeologists, are blaming the Hungarian-American businessman and philanthropist George Soros on a number of failed experiments over the past several years.

Republican Gill Hickey, shown here inspecting his car engine after it was clearly messed with by the Soros Foundation in order to make him late for picking up his kids from their mother's place for his one weekend a month

"It was an eloquently designed study of the relationship between one-dimensional quantum entities called strings and the dangerous open border policy put in place by Biden and his handlers," theoretical physicist Rick Belch explained. "The only explanation for its failure that makes any sense is that George Soros and a cabal of Zionist elites rigged my equipment in order to get me cancelled in the scientific community. That's also why he put those deepfakes of Emma Watson on my laptop!"

Not all Republican scientists are buying into fears that George Soros is personally sabotaging their research as part of his scheme to implement a totalitarian world government. Some, like ultraconservative urbanologist and Constitutional Researchers and Lab Workers Association president Leak Sidesaddle, worry that conspiracy theories involving the Holocaust surviving hedge fund manager are a distraction. "At the end of the day, this is America. And in America the Freemasons don't just reject republican values, they also convinced my university to reject my research proposal that cities are the physical manifestation of Satan."

Chiropractic Researchers Study Lunar Effects on Human Health.....

Falls Church, VA - Though the moon has long served as a focus of numerous legends, beliefs, and conspiracy theories, scientists have yet to find convincing evidence of any significant impact on human behavior and physiology. Perhaps, that is, until now.

A sophisticated graph, shown here proving the benefit of chiropractic care during a full moon and that the Apollo 11 mission was obviously staged by NASA and that guy who directed The Shining

Skeptics are quick to deny the moon's role in human health, but believers, even highly trained medical professionals, are plentiful. And a variety of potential mechanisms of action for so-called "lunar effects" have been proposed over the millennia since the moon was discovered just floating up there in the sky for no obvious reason. But just how the moon might increase fertility or suicide rates, for example, remains largely a mystery.

There are far more questions than answers when it comes to the moon. What is it? How did it get so high up there? Who put it there? What is the source of its light? But chiropractic researchers at the headquarters of the International Chiropractic Association in Falls Church may finally have a few answers.

"Let's face it, we don't know much about the moon," chiropractic researcher Jill Alcabaz explained. "But that doesn't mean that we can't harness its healing powers. It would be foolish to let something as irrelevant as basic scientific plausibility stand in our way when there are literally millions of potential patients out there in need of our help."

Alcabaz and her team of experts on the human spine at the ICA set out to gain a better understanding of lunar effects a little over one year ago. And what they found may change the way that Western science thinks about the moon and chiropractic healthcare. "We recruited 5,000 patients with really bad headaches to take part in the trial, which involved half being assigned to chiropractic care during a full moon and the other half receiving a pamphlet on self-administered home chiropractic adjustments to be done on days of the month without a full moon."

The team assessed headache severity using a standard scale from one to five, with one being headache free and five being a really really bad headache. After the 365 day observational period concluded, 97% of the 42 patients who completed the study and underwent chiropractic care during a full moon either did not have a headache at the time, or their headache was a 4 or less on the headache severity scale. Of the remaining participants who received an instructional pamphlet and self-administered adjustments at home, only 3 were headache free with one additional subject having a score less than 5. Alcabaz and her team were impressed by the results:

After some pretty sophisticated statistical analysis using my son's TI-80 graphing calculator, we found that combining chiropractic care with the beneficial rays of the full moon resulted in a statistically important improvement in headache severity and the likelihood that a subject's headache would resolve completely. I can't say that about the subjects who performed home adjustments. 

The results of the study aren't surprising to everyone in the chiropractic community. Frank Grimes, DC, a practicing chiropractor in Belvidere, NE for over twenty years, has seen the miraculous benefits of quality chiropractic administered by a trained professional first hand. "You can't just do it at home and expect the same results. I went to school for four years to learn how to do this. I question the methodology and ethics of this study and I'm going to prove that you don't need a full moon to get results."

Chiropractor and outspoken skeptic of the study on chiropractic and lunar effects Frank Grimes, is now recruiting subjects for his "New Moon Madness" study for only $59.99 

The paper, which will be published in Online Publishing Module 917 - Family Chiropractic, Space Stuff next month, may have proven that the full moon does effect the human body, but it fails to explain how. Alcabaz has some ideas. "The human body is mostly comprised of water, carbon, protein, and energy. Chiropractic impacts the flow of energy and the moon causes the ocean tides. It seems pretty obvious what is going on here."

Is This Kid the World's Biggest Fan of Chicken Nuggets? Fuck Yeah!

Lebanon, TN - Experts are pretty sure that Elmer Jenkins, a 9-year-old boy from Middle Tennessee, may be the world's biggest fucking fan of chicken nuggets.

Elmer Jenkins (right), shown here just prior to murdering his best friend Rusty over a dinosaur shaped chicken nugget related dispute

"Lot's of kids like chicken nuggets," Rick Bell, Mayor of Lebanon, explained. "But that Jenkins boy fucking loves 'em. I ain't never seen nothing quite like it."

Jenkins, a 3rd grader at Byars Dowdy Elementary School, isn't the first boy from the area with an intense desire for deep fried breaded pieces of boneless chicken. Cracker Barrel founder CEO Sandra Cochran, one of several industry leaders that have weighed in on the controversy, believes that this fucking kid is different. "Cracker Barrel, which was founded right here in Lebanon, knows a thing or two about good chicken. And about the people that love it. And this fucking kid right here...he just fucking loves chicken nuggets. Loves the shit out of them."