Implantable Desubluxators Revolutionize Chiropractic Care.....

Cleveland, OH – When Mart Sinclair woke to a high pitched alarm coming from his smartphone, it wasn’t time to get ready for his job training puppies to comfort terminal pediatric cancer patients. It was time to get help. At the same time, a similar alarm was going off in the home of chiropractor Sheila Stamp. Less than an hour later, Sinclair was on a table in Stamp’s clinic and potential disaster had been averted. Sinclair was able to make it to his daughter’s piano recital the next day despite the unfair restraining disorder against him.

Sinclair, shown here using a modified Barkley maneuver to hold his spine in place while waiting for chiropractic emergency professionals to arrive

Sinclair is one of a growing number of patients electing to have a small battery-powered device implanted near their spine and designed to monitor for the development of an acute chiropractic subluxation. If detected, the spine can be stabilized by the device until a definitive treatment and payment plan can be arranged with an on call emergency chiropractic provider. Although research is ongoing, preliminary data has shown that use of an implantable desubluxator by certain high risk patients helps to ensure that they are treated within the “Golden Hour” of emergency subluxation management.

But what is a subluxation? How does an implantable desubluxator work? And which patients are most likely to benefit? For answers to these questions, and many more, I turned to a leading expert in the field of emergency spine wellness and nervous system trauma.

“When the human spine is not in a proper alignment, a patient is at risk of going into dyshomeostasis or worse,” Frank Grimes, a chiropractic trauma surgeon near Harvard, explained. “Simply put, you’ve got about an hour before the shit hits the fan, and I’m not talking about just back pain or headaches. I’ve seen a patient’s entire spinal column collapse like an accordion and then comically bob up and down as they shriek in pain. It changes you. Some patients are predisposed, but it can happen to anyone, at any time. You look a little off, do you mind if I check your spine?”

According to chiropractic science, the human body was designed to function perfectly at all times. But if the flow of information from the brain to every cell in the body is compromised by a chiropractic subluxation, we can lose the ability to maintain optimal health. This can result in a variety of health concerns such as lower back pain, headaches, asthma, and even the occasional extra chromosome 13.

While Grimes admits that there have been some disagreements over the exact definition of a chiropractic subluxation, he states that the profession isn’t exactly making it up as they go along:

“Despite what some skeptics may claim, we aren’t flying blind when it comes to spinal health. The best evidence has revealed that subluxations are a complex of functional and/or structural and/or pathological articular changes that compromise neural integrity and may influence organ system function and general health.

But while having a specific definition upon which to focus diagnostic and treatment interventions is helpful, some mysteries do still remain.

Subluxations are often thought of as a chronic condition, like adrenal fatigue or splenic ennui, and for many they are. But for some people, acute subluxations can be cause extreme symptoms. And despite 125 years of intense study and practice, chiropractors have not figured out a way to know if a newly developed subluxation will result in severe acute disease, cause chronic complaints, or become a latent condition with the possibility of causing problems in the future. Because of this uncertainty, in addition to treating patients with clearly symptomatic subluxations there has also been a focus placed on frequent checks of asymptomatic patients of all ages in order to root out any hidden subluxations.

An implantable desubluxator is not designed to be a replacement for the frequent check ups of the spine recommended by chiropractic organizations to help maintain spinal health. The purpose of the device is to catch an acute subluxation as it occurs in real time, in order to reduce the risk of any severe adverse outcomes in a select population of patients. These are people who may not have the spinal reserves that many of us take for granted.

Grimes says that he only recommends the invasive but potentially lifesaving device for about a quarter of his patients, and so far only a small percentage of those have undergone the procedure. He uses a validated severe acute subluxation risk calculator in order to help determine which patients would be most likely to benefit, but admits that there is an art to the process. “Chiropractic care is complex and every patient has unique variables that I have to take into account. Age, past medical history, and a patient’s comfort with uncertainty are key factors but there is no one size fits all approach with subluxations, except that everyone has one or will eventually have one at some point.”

You’ve probably seen videos where a chiropractor adjusts a patient’s spine, making an audible cracking sound as the bone and surrounding tissue return to a healthy position. An implantable desubluxator works in a similar fashion. Once an abnormal energy signal is detected by the device, which consists of a processing unit placed near the cervical spine and a number of wires running along the spinal column, a series of micropulses are emitted that stabilize the problem area.

Grimes says that the force generated by these micropulses is very light, about the amount required to oscillate an atom of cesium-133 between two hyperfine levels of its ground state. So there is no reason for patients or parents who are wary of aggressive high velocity adjustments to worry:

Other than the general anesthesia, potential for surgical site infection, possible rejection of the device by a patient’s immune system, significant pain during recovery, and the need for battery changes every three to six months, it’s a virtually risk free intervention that I feel very comfortable recommending for infants.

Once a patient has an implantable desubluxator placed by a chiropractic surgeon, the next step is setting up monitoring. Patients can download a smartphone application that syncs with the device in order to sound an alert when a subluxation occurs, and to track various other spinal health parameters such as the rate and rhythm of cerebrospinal fluid flow. And similar to how a home alarm system works, patients will typically sign a contract with a monitoring company, such as the Boston based SpineSafe USA, that in addition to alerting the patient to any abnormal alignments will also arrange for 24-7 emergency chiropractic treatment if necessary.

I revisited Mart Sinclair a week after his acute subluxation was picked up by his implantable desubluxator. Still a bit shaken by the experience, but thankful for a new lease on life, Sinclair was happy to sing the praises of the technology. “I don’t know if I’d be here with this device, and without SafeSpine USA. To me that’s worth any price. Yes, I would recommend it to anyone who is worried about this kind of thing.”

New Survey Finds Fewer Teens Being Followed by Sex Demons.....

Atlanta, GA- A newly published CDC study on the sexual habits of adolescents comes as a bit of good news in these dark times. Though thousands of Americans continue to die every day from COVID-19, with many more facing an uncertain future after becoming infected with the novel coronavirus, fewer teenagers are being followed by shape shifting sex demons.

A group of American teenagers, shown here celebrating both a freedom from all personal responsibility and their invulnerability to all disease, trauma, and general life dissatisfaction.

"This really is great news," Mort Fishman, a doctor of clinical demonology and lead author of the study, explained. "But it's not a reason for anyone under the age of 25 to let their guard down. Remember that when you sleep with someone, you are sleeping with everyone that they ever slept with, and it only takes one asshole with a sex demon problem to ruin your chances of going to a good college."

The new research found that 1 in 50 teenagers were stalked by a vengeful sex demon at least once in the past year, which is a 30% decline from a decade ago. Experts, like Fishman and his colleagues near Harvard, say that the reason for the decline in these events, known as "followings", is unclear. "Perhaps it's a change in sexual behavior. We've also seen fewer teen pregnancies, for example. But maybe the entities have just been more successful, and dead kids don't respond to surveys. I love my job."

The Health Patrol with Mitch Rangler: You'll Eat More Tapioca if You Know What's Good for You.....

Mitch Rangler
A fully apprenticed Nutritionologist and President and CEO of The Health Patrol, Mitch is passionate about tapioca, tapioca based products, and preparing for the End of Days when Greb will return to chastise us for our iniquities

It seems like every year there are more and more "superfoods" being added to the list of stuff to shove down your gullet. But what even is a kumquat? And what aisle can I even find them on at the Shop and Cram on Avenue C? They sound ethnic and that's scary.

Ethnic food is scary!

For as long as I can remember, I've had a piping hot serving of tapioca every day that I've been alive. And I haven't died yet! But this ancient miracle of modern nutrition isn't a "superfood". What? That's right! Tapioca is the world's greatest ultrafood, which is even better if you asked me. And you did, or else you wouldn't be reading this post. That was a little joke to lighten the mood and to let you know that I'm a regular guy just like you and there isn't any reason not to trust me.

Trust Mitch Rangler!

When I first learned about the healing powers of tapioca, I was skeptical. I didn't fall off the turnip truck yesterday! That happened in 1927 during the Belvidere Boll Weevil festival and I've still got the scar to prove it. I'll never forget that night, or the way that Glandine Watkins nursed me back to health under the light of the full moon. We both had so much turnip wine! Sometimes I wonder what happened to her, and how different my life would be now if she hadn't joined up with that hillbilly circus what came through town the following Spring. I assume she's dead, on account that she was almost 60 at the time.  

Glandine is probably dead!

Usually when something seems too good to be true...great! I always tell people to trust their gut. I literally say that, like all the time. But I didn't want to swallow any BS along with my bowl of tapioca slurry. I needed to make sure that the benefits of this miraculous health marvel had been properly vetted. So, I turned to my good friend science for some answers.

Science is usually right!

Frequently Asked Questions about tapioca:

What is a tapioca?

Tapioca is the name for the starch extracted from the root of the Bolivian cave cactus, and has been a staple food for millions of people around the world for millennia. It is typically sold in the form of sticks or pearls and designated by it's quality grade. Grade A tapioca, which is widely considered to be the most healthy and delicious, is found and harvested by monkeys trained to detect its subtle scent as deep as 3 meters underground. Everything else is Grade B and is generally deemed fit for consumption only by orphans.

What are the amazing health benefits of tapioca?

Perhaps a better question is what aren't the amazing health benefits of tapioca. The answer is there aren't any that aren't. There aren't any benefits that aren't amazing and also of tapioca. Wait, that's confusing. Let me start over. Everything isn't an amazing health...wait...dammit. It has a lot of benefits. Forget that first part.

Regular consumption of tapioca improves the health of literally every cell in the human body. Every organ will function better, even the stupid ones like the spleen or the plectum. One science study proved that a human will achieve complete cellular homeostasis after only 3 servings of sprouted Grade A tapioca and there are even legends that tapioca has raised men from the dead. Only they ain't the same as before they died. Sure they look the same, sound the same, they even have the same memories. You wouldn't know they was different, but they ain't the same. They's different. 

Does tapioca contain chemicals?

Rest assured, tapioca contains absolutely no chemicals, no chemical bonds, no compounds, no synthetic materials, and not one single strand of DNA. It is the purest substance on Earth and it imparts that purity into everyone who eats of it...according to science. Maybe you can look science in the eye, the same science that gave us cars, space flight, and cars with computers in them, and tell it that you don't respect its opinion. Not me. I follow the science where it leads me.

Where can I learn more?

When it comes to complexities of human biology and nutritional interventions aimed at bringing about a state of True Health, you can always learn more. If you send a self-addressed and stamped envelope to The Health Patrol, I'll send you a copy of my newsletter and a coupon for a free corporeal resonance scan (CRS) if you spend more than $50 dollars on any goods or services. 

Local Woman Ends Coronavirus Pandemic in the United States by Leaving Painted Rocks in Neighborhood Parks.....

Brookline, MA- Taking a stand against the coronavirus pandemic raging across the country, Brookline resident Jan Stilton has begun leaving hand painted rocks at a number of local parks.

Stilton, shown here basking in the glory of her accomplishment and just prior to watching the entire first season of Outlander again.

"With so many people dying and losing their jobs, somebody had to rise up and do something about it," Stilton explained. "If more people fought for what they believed in, instead of cowering in fear, we wouldn't have been in this mess in the first place!"

A hand painted rock with the affirmation "You Got This" written on it, shown here mere seconds before the death of the last SARS-CoV-2 virus.

Experts in infectious disease and epidemiology, like the National Institute of Health's Mort Fishman, have been waiting for a hero like Stilton to emerge. "COVID-19 is a serious illness that has caused the untimely death of hundreds of thousands of Americans, left millions of friends and family members grieving, and severely set back our economy. It's a highly complex public health problem, the handling of which has been a disaster from day one. Thankfully...it's over. It's finally over."