House Republicans Determined to Prevent School Shootings.....

Washington, D.C. - In response to the tragedy at a Nashville elementary school earlier this week, House Republicans, led by Congresswoman Lauren Boebert (R-CO), are pledging to develop new strategies to prevent future school shootings.  

Kindergarten teacher Kimberly Smith, shown here receiving instruction on the use of a surface-to-air missile system, was voted "Best Giggles" by her Arts & Crafts class last year

"Not every teacher in a school needs to have access to an FIM-92 Stinger missile system," Boebert explained to reporters in the parking lot of the TGIFridays on Pennsylvania Avenue. "But there should be at least one that does, and that has the training to use it when necessary to keep our kids safe. Also the doors should lock from the inside."

Some schools have already taken the initiative to arm teachers with advanced military grade weaponry in response to the growing number of mass shootings impacting children. According to Kimberly Smith, a kindergarten Arts & Crafts teacher at Smiles and Giggles Academy in Boise, the best defense is an unrelenting offense capable of protecting a classroom or downing a Russian Mi-24 attack helicopter. "As my school's designated Stinger operator, I'm the last line of defense and I take my training very seriously."

Florida Authorities Report First Case of Chronic Fentanyl Overdose.....

Miami, FL - As stories of first responders suffering from fentanyl exposure in the line of duty continue to increase across the country, Florida authorities are now reporting what some doctors believe may be the first case of chronic fentanyl overdose.

Corporal Blaze, shown here training with an FIM-92 Stinger surface-to-air missile system in order to protect Miami citizens from hang gliding alligators

"We are still trying to determine the best approach to diagnosis of chronic fentanyl overdose," police toxicologist Mort Fishman explained. "But if anyone qualifies based on clinical criteria, it's definitely Corporal Blaze."

Corporal Chad Blaze, a 6-year veteran of the Miami Police Department's Stinger unit, was the victim of the first known mosquito-borne fentanyl overdose back in October of last year. According to Fishman, Blaze continues to overdose and has yet to return to active duty. "It is truly tragic. The pounding heart, the sweating, the shortness of breath, the intense feelings of distress. He goes through Narcan like hush puppies at a church picnic in Tallahassee."

One of the biggest challenges in diagnosing chronic fentanyl overdose is the lack of a test that is sensitive enough to detect it. Fishman, who keeps a photo of Corporal Blaze training with the portable infrared homing air-defense system used by the MPD to protect the citizens of Miami from airborne threats, in his office as inspiration to keep working on a solution. "The tests may be negative, but I know the fentanyl is hiding somewhere in his body causing a near constant state of overdose and I'm going to find it."

International Organ Society Demotes Spleen.....

Paris, France - One year ago, the International Organ Society voted to strictly define an organ, which ultimately downgraded the spleen to an accessory organ, which is a loosely organized clump of cells with the potential for minor functionality — causing controversy both medically and culturally.

Anatomist Hemant Agarwal, shown here with a pile of spleens he carries around in a jar wherever he goes. Whose spleens? That's what we'd like to know but he isn't talking.

The IOS, an organization that governs international professional anatomical activities worldwide, determined that an organ must meet three criteria: it can be found in a known location within or on the surface of the body, it consists of organized tissues, and it performs a specific and complex function. According to Hemant Agarwal, a human anatomist near Harvard who specializes in the plectum, the spleen only meets two of the criteria required to be an organ. "It's essentially just a clump of tissue that serves very little purpose, and honestly I really hate it."

Only 5% of the world's anatomists voted on the redefinition, sparking controversy in the anatomy community.  "There are a lot of leading human anatomists who are very upset about the decision," Agarwal explained. "But not me. I look at the spleen and it just makes me sick. It takes up so much valuable space in the human body and, unlike the plectum, gives so little in return."

The reclassification of the spleen is also having a wide cultural impact as well. So much so that the American Dialect Society chose "manspleening" as the 2022 Word of the Year — meaning "to be told by a man that someone or something is much less important than originally assumed."

"There was a big outcry about the spleen being demoted," Agarwal said. "People had sort of an emotional connection to it. They grew up learning about the 78 organs, then all of a sudden there is 77. But I have no such emotional connection, and frankly the spleen can kiss my plectum...which is not part of the rectum. That's a myth."

The spleen was accidentally discovered in 1970 by rogue anatomist Samuel McClugage while rooting around inside the abdominal cavity of a human cadaver in his basement. "It's actually a funny story," McClugage, who opposes the reclassification of the accessory organ he named after his wife, revealed. "I was looking for my keys and just stumbled on the thing sitting there right under the stomach. I yelled up to Spleeny, who was in the kitchen making biscuits, that I thought I had found something that was going to change everything for us. And it did. It really did."

House Republicans Look to Relax Food Labeling Restrictions to Reduce Childhood Hunger.....

Pawtucket, RI - Long known to be non-toxic, the popular and kid friendly modeling clay Play-Doh is now beginning to be recognized by lawmakers as a nutritious food alternative that may help fight childhood hunger.

2-year-old Frank Garabedian, shown here enjoying a bite of Play-Doh Feedables® food replacement modeling clay

"In today's economy, and with so many people suffering because of Biden's failed woke policies, it's nice to know that not only is Play-Doh safe to eat but it's also good for growing children," Republican Congressman Paul Gosar explained. "The exact composition of Play-Doh is a tightly kept secret but we're pretty sure that it's mostly wheat flour and water, and one serving, or about half a can, contains 100% of a child's recommended daily intake of salt, borax, and hardening agents."

Hasbro CEO Chris Cocks isn't surprised by the growing acceptance from the nutrition community, and not just because its a great source of the often neglected kerosene/petroleum distillate food group. "Many people don't realize that Play-Doh was first developed as a non-meat, non-vegetable, non-dessert TV dinner side dish. While parents were eating the stuff their kids were playing with it! And then the corrupt FDA got involved. Well who's laughing now?"

Across the nation, more and more schools are starting to offer this wholesome and traditional family friendly food substitute as a surprisingly filling snack in lunch rooms and vending machines. According to Cocks, in order to reach more non-traditional Play-Doh consumers, Hasbro is also working on plans to produce an organic version that is made without the use of scary sounding words. "There is really no limit to the possibilities once those draconian regulations are relaxed. Baby food? Of course. What about pets? Hell yeah!"

House Republicans Announce Overhaul of Social Security Benefits.....

Washington, D.C. - House Republicans, led by Leader Kevin McCarthy, have introduced a bill that will overhaul Social Security benefits and place more emphasis on coupons and other cost saving strategies.

Kevin McCarthy, shown here smiling at young children on a tour of the Capital Building

"Social Security has been a crutch leaned on by Americans for far too long," McCarthy explained. "It's about time we put back the power to have a prosperous retirement back in the hands of the people instead of big government, which is big and it's too big."

According to the bill, which will end the social security program, there will be an emphasis on the use of coupons as a replacement for the monthly benefits that millions of Americans rely on. McCarthy says that coupons are already used by more than 90% of retired people and have the power to help save a surprisingly large amount of money every year. "More than 500 billion in coupons are released every year either in print or digitally, so there are a lot of options for people to save. But the bill doesn't just encourage people to be financially responsible using coupons, it also talks about how to comparison shop at multiple stores and how store brands are just as good as name brand products."

Newborn Life Coaching Increases in Popularity.....

Berkeley, CA - According to experts in neonatal wellness, the hottest new trend in parenting has infants in the first four weeks of life overcoming personal roadblocks and achieving unprecedented success in 2023.

Nan Desjardins, NLC, shown here assisting newborn human Mackle Hammertone in the use of power posing to face each diaper change with confidence and grace

"Babies can find mindfulness in their daily routines and improve communication to reduce conflict with caregivers," certified newborn life coach Nan Desjardins explained. "Can you really put a price on self-actualization for your little one? Yes, it's $200 an hour."

The newborn life coaching boom is the latest example of a rapid expansion in infant coaching services that have become available for parents in recent years. According to Abe Syzlak of Baby Trendz Magazine, there is apparently no aspect of infant life that isn't potentially coachable. "The generalists are now competing with increasingly niche coaching options, like power posing for shy premies and neuro-linguistic programming for colic. These kids are going to be amazing when they grow up!"

New Study Proves Benefit of Microdosing Psychedelics for Severe Insecurity.....

Somerville, MA - A groundbreaking new study performed near Harvard has proven that microdosing LSD can help patients suffering from severe insecurity.

A man with crippling insecurity, shown here tripping balls while a highly trained counselor reassures him that the whole of existence will not be consumed by the void if he blinks

"It's rare that a single study so clearly supports a medical intervention when it comes to mental health," lead researcher Stadebra Milhause, PsyD explained. "My focus is always on the improvement of my patients and not recognition from the scientific community, like with a Nobel Prize, but people are talking. Not me. But it's out there."

The study, which is being praised by proponents of medicinal psychedelics as revolutionary, measured self-esteem and sociability in intensely insecure subjects after 8 weeks of receiving low doses of LSD plus intense daily counseling from a live-in psychologist. According to Milhause, the key to designing a study that can be trusted by both believers and skeptics is the use of proper controls that help avoid bias. "We compared our treatment group to similarly insecure subjects who were pointed at by strangers who laughed loudly after one of them whispered something that the subjects couldn't quite make out for several hours every day." 

Pfizer to Launch Program Aimed at Improving Medications Awareness and Access.....

New York City - Multinational pharmaceutical and biotechnology corporation Pfizer Inc. has announced plans to increase awareness of new medications and improve access for all Americans.

A Pfizer representative, shown here updating Arlene Borsky on a recently published study demonstrating the power of once-monthly griximumab for the treatment of primary grimp 

"Starting this Summer every American will be assigned their own pharmaceutical representative," Pfizer CEO Albert Bourla explained. "This personalizes our educational outreach and helps people connect with the medications that they might not even realize they need. It's about people, not our bottom line."

The "small pharma initiative", as the program is being called by industry leaders, is garnering praise from physicians. Some proponents, like family physician Mort Fishman, MD, are pleased that his patients will have access to more one-on-one guidance, particularly those who are members of the Pfizer subscription box service. "Their Pharm-to-Table service is an amazing way for people to try a variety of drugs, see what works, and simply return what they don't like. But that doesn't mean a little hand holding wouldn't be a good thing."

Breastfeeding Advocates Push for Graphic Warning Labels on Infant Formula Products.....

Franklin Park, IL - Advocates are calling for legislation that would force manufacturers to place graphic warning labels on all infant formula packages in order to increase awareness of the dangers of not choosing to breastfeed.

A formula fed child (left), shown here holding a breastfed infant (right, with sunglasses) while questioning his mother's love

"Graphic warning labels are a cost-effective way to increase public awareness about the dangers of formula at the time of use," La Leche League International Executive Director Zion Tankard explained. "When combined with other formula cessation assistance strategies, they can help governments reduce healthcare costs associated with not breastfeeding."

Non-breastfeeding women usually have their formula within easy reach, thus providing a unique opportunity to reinforce breastfeeding awareness every time they consider feeding their child. According to certified breastfeeding proselytist Mort Fishman, CBP, MD, package imagery can influence a mother's ratings of formula safety and nutritional value, as well as their beliefs regarding the amazing benefits of breastfeeding a child for at least the first year of their life. "The health and societal costs that follow a long-term formula addiction provide governments with a vested interest to restrict or counter marketing that promotes the irrational refusal to listen to reason and just breastfeed your baby already. Sheesh!"

Advocates have proposed that all formula packages feature a photo of a mother slowly lowering her infant into a drum of florescent green liquid. An accompanying caption will read, "You wouldn't dip your baby into this toxic waste, so why make them drink it?" 

Republican House Passes Bill Designed to Prevent More Fentanyl-Related Manhole Deaths.....

Washington, D.C. - In response to the widely reported death of Nan Dunkin' last month, Republicans in the House of Representatives have passed new legislation designed to prevent another tragedy. 

The open manhole in Queens that Nan Dunkin' fell into on her birthday 

"Nobody deserves to die like that," Congressman George Santos (R-NY) explained. "I saw it with my own eyes and the image is burned into my memory. That's why I had to do something. That's why I wrote this bill."

Dunkin', a Queens native who Santos says "totally exists", was never recovered from the sewers despite an exhaustive search by authorities over several days. According to Santos, the unfortunate victim accidentally fell into an open manhole when she was startled by a dollar bill on the sidewalk that she thought might have fentanyl on it. "I saw it happen like it was in slow motion. I ran and threw myself forward in an attempt to grab her outstretched hand as she plummeted through the open manhole, but I was too late. Our eyes met for just an instant as she fell, and she told me to keep fighting despite all the vicious attacks from the liberal media."

The bill, which will still need to pass in the Senate and be signed into law by President Biden, increases penalties on anyone who forgets to put the cover back on a manhole and extends fentanyl-free zones around manholes to 10 feet. Experts, such as emergency medicine physician Mort Fishman, believe that while deaths related to falling into an open manhole are uncommon, they have increased in recent years as more pedestrians are distracted by smartphones and the fear of getting some fentanyl on their skin like in those police videos. "Deaths usually occur because of blunt trauma caused directly by the fall, but you also have to worry about getting eaten by an alligator or one of those C.H.U.D.s"

Where Are They Now?: Dr. Vinay Prasad

Remember oncologist, author, and promoter of evidence-based medicine Dr. Vinay Prasad? You aren't alone if you can't quite recall who that is, but at one point he was a prominent physician and researcher who was respected throughout the medical community. Until, that is, he was cancelled during the early days of the SARS-CoV-2 pandemic after daring to challenge the mainstream scientific consensus on the most effective public health response.

Dr. Vinay Prasad, shown here as a gray silhouette after being cancelled through the use of our Z-Eye implants

It wasn't easy to find Dr. Prasad. After speaking out against COVID-19 vaccinations and masks to reduce spread of the deadly disease, as well as downplaying the risk of infection in children, he was legally cancelled and has spent most of the the past three years living off the grid in rural Montana. Communication was complicated by our Z-Eye implants, which make any attempts at speaking come through as static noise, but according to a written statement life hasn't been easy since his cancellation. "The hardest thing about being silenced is having your voice literally stolen away. The toughest thing about being cancelled is how people can't see you anymore. It's as if I don't exist."

Prasad would go on to issue a dire warning about the slippery slope of cancelling people who don't conform to the mainstream agenda when it comes to public health policies. He pointed out that there have been no randomized trials looking specifically at the repercussions. "We may not realized the depth of the societal harm for decades. If the CDC is listening, this is on them and they are pretty much acting like Nazis." 

Controversial Thunderdome Policy May Backfire on an Increasingly Paranoid Elon Musk.....

San Francisco, CA - According to recent disclosures form an unnamed Twitter engineer, controversial CEO Elon Muk is stepping up his personal security and even hiring bodyguards to accompany him to the bathroom while at the social media company's headquarters in San Francisco.

Account Manager Jim Underdown, shown here wielding a chainsaw in the Thunderdome at Twitter headquarters

"When Musk took over Twitter he got rid of a lot of good people," the engineer, who requested to remain anonymous, explained. "The lucky ones were fired and escorted from the building, but most of them went into the Thunderdome. He actually put up a Thunderdome in the atrium, next to the cafeteria. Like in fucking Bartertown!"

Bartertown is a permanent trading settelement deep in the Australian wastelands and is home to the original Thunderdome. According to Bartertown founder Aunty Entity, the Thunderdome has few rules but nevertheless is an effective means of settling disputes that has helped her to maintain a sense of order amidst the chaos of living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. "Two men enter, one man leaves. Yes, it's simple. And yes, it's harsh. But it's also fair because there are absolutely no exceptions under any circumstances."

The official purpose of the Thunderdome in Bartertown is to maintain order by resolving personal grievances. Musk, however, has been forcing Twitter employees to face each other in an apparent attempt to whittle down the number of employees on the payroll. The anonymous engineer claims that Musk himself likes to address participants prior to combat. "He hooks them up to the bungee cables so they can bounce around the structure and grab weapons. And every time he's like, 'I know you won't break the rules, because there aren't any.' He never gets tired of that stupid joke."

As evidence of Musk's increasing paranoia over the past few months has come to light, there is no shortage of theories as to what is behind the changes. Some believe that it is the result of an interaction between Musk's son and a stalker back in December, although it is not clear that the event in question actually occurred. Aunty Entity believes that it has something to do with a lack of trust in the company's employees. "Those employees had signed contracts. Here in Bartertown when you bust a deal, you face the wheel. And that is one man who is long overdue for facing the wheel."

Breaking it Down: How Americans are Luring Babies Out of the Womb in 2023.....

14%- Early admission to the Red State Republic's Handmaid Head Start program

21%- Tickets to see the Don Jr. and Kimberly Guilfoyle's Hootenanny Hoedown at the Indiana State Fair

25%- A hunk of vegan cashew cheese

13%- A pacifier dipped in potato milk and yuzu fruit

15%- The chance to enter a lottery to win the opportunity to bid on Taylor Swift tickets

12%- Cocomelon

The Health Patrol with Mitch Rangler: Body Week! 2023!

Mitch Rangler, the internet's nutritionologist and a skeptical maverick, is President/CEO of The Health Patrol (@TheHealthPatrol)

It's Body Week! 2023!

I love Body Week!. It's the one week every year where we all come together to celebrate the human body and all it's mysteries. The body is so amazing. We were all created in Greb's image, after all, and I think he did an okay job for the most part. Above average even! Praise Greb!

Praise Greb, but Don't be Silly About it. He hates that!

Did you know that a single square inch of human skin contains over a million nerve fibers, blood vessels, lymph canals, and sluice gates? Or that if you remove the entire small intestine from an average sized adult human and pull it into a straight line, it would stretch from San Diego to Fecal Springs, MD, and they will they will die? These facts, and so many more, are what make Body Week! one of my favorite weeks of the year. Get ready for some of my favorite body facts!

Come and get those facts!

1. Experts believe that the human body has been fully mapped, but that doesn't mean it has revealed all of its secrets. Nobody knows what the spleen does, for example. Some think that it is just filler to keep other organs from sloshing around. Others disagree.

2. Every seven years your body is fully replaced by new cells that are shifted one vibrational level. That is how aging works.

3. Experts predicted the existence of the spleen decades before it was discovered in 1997 by a high school biology teacher in Fresno.

4. The human ears are the primary organs of hearing. But did you know that we also hear with our skin? Subjects in one study that were placed in concrete with only one ear open to the air were unable to hear as well as subjects not encased in concrete.

5. Dividing a man's measured height by his calculated average body circumference is known as Gautier's Ratio. For women, researchers use the husband's best guess or the nearest man's if the husband is at work.

6. Did you realize that human hair and fingernails continue to grow during sleep? You did? Everybody knows that? Why are these facts so lame? Well did you also know that you're a jerk? Because you are!

7. If the history of the human body is condensed to fit into a single 24 hour day, the kidney begins filtering blood at 10 A.M. The plectum first stabilizes the gopal ligament at 2 P.M.

8. The medical term for the male nipple is the melvin.

9. The frequency of the human body is 8.

10. The human body has over 50 muscles. Can you name them all? I use this mnemonic: Some Muscles Don't Bend That Way, Some Muscles Do, Don't Forget the Plectoralis.

11. The small indentation in the abdomen found on most humans is called the melgrom. Nobody knows why it is there. Many experts believe that it once served as a conduit to an ancient and powerful energy source.

12. Since 1940, the standard time between women's periods in England has been based on Queen Elizabeth II. Scientists are currently working on a more exact method using measurement of cesium atom vibration between energy states.

13. Toes

14. Your parents had bodies. So did your grandparents. In fact, every human that has ever lived had a body. Experts near Harvard believe that a body might be the defining feature of humanity.

15. The human body consists of several layers, starting with the skin. Each layer plays a key role in health and all layers are necessary to function optimally.

16. If every human on Earth was compressed into a cube the size of a typical 13 millimeter bouillon cube, it would weight more than a trillion pounds and be able to make almost 8 billion cups of broth.

17. Nerves are key structures used by your body to communicated between the brain (internet) and your organs (iPhone) like a string between two tin cans. And they are all over you. Just look. I'll wait.

18. The first man to traverse the human lower intestine was named Steve Colon. Many before had died, stuck at the splenic flexure.

19. The human brain is as complex as any computer and able to mold into the shape of any container it is shoved into.

20. The human digestive tract was designed only to consume organic Funyuns. If even one bite of inorganic Funyuns enter the body, it will decompose at the molecular level.

21. The human neck does much more than simply support the head. Within the neck is a complex system of tubes carrying blood, air, lymph, nerve juice, ad pleem from the body to the brain and then back again in a rhythmic ebb and flow, a glorious dance of life.

22. Hair remains one of the greatest mysteries of modern science. Where does it come from? Experts believe that there is a large pile of it somewhere in the body, but so far it hasn't been located.

23. Every organ or system of the body has a dedicated medical specialty focused on managing it except for the mind. Infectious disease specialists in the early 20th century came close when they mind was believed to be caused by a roundworm infection.

24. After decades of research near places like Harvard, Yale, and even Chicago, scientists have yet to find a better covering for the human body than skin. It's perfect for us and can also be used to cover a casserole or wrap pipes in the winter.

25. There have been thousands of science studies on the human body but only seven on the mind, which is why experts still don't really know when it first started. We assume it was a long time ago.

26. For every human cell that comprises the body, there are ten bacterial cells, 50 viruses, 100 yeast, and a thousand biovibrational nanocorpules that only a select number of very special people, myself included, can sense.

27. The top five most important fluids of the body are blood, cerebrospinal fluid, chyme, urine, and pleem.

28. Every organ of the human body has a counterpart that both complements and balances it. Every lung has its heart. Every pancreas its gallbladder. For the lonely plectum, however, existence is solitary and lonely. Still, it asks for nothing from us.

29. After the tongue, the most important muscles in the body are the heart and the lateral engorgers. 

30. And more!

There is no better week than Body Week! to take a moment to appreciate the human body. Don't forget to appreciate your own body too. And consider donating your body to science, ideally after you die and especially if it's weird.

US Department of Housing and Urban Development Weighs in on Lab Leak Theory.....

Washington, D.C. - In a much anticipated report, the United States Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD) has concluded that the COVID-19 pandemic almost certainly had its origins in a Chinese laboratory.

HUD researcher Nate Whiteman, shown here at the exact moment the COVID-19 lab leak hypothesis was proven correct

"We have the utmost confidence in the conclusions made in this report," HUD Secretary Marcia L. Fudge explained. "We put the same expertise we have in administering federal housing and urban development laws into determining whether the SARS-CoV-2 virus jumped from animals to humans at a market or if it leaked from a lab where researchers were studying coronaviruses. And it definitely did. The second one. From the lab. Was that not clear?"

Not everyone agrees with the conclusions made in the HUD report. In response, White House national security advisor Jake Sullivan is on record claiming that the intelligence community hasn't come up with a definitive answer on the question. "There are varying views in the intelligence community. Some say one thing while others say the opposite. Many have said they don't know one way or the other. But between you and me, I'm not aware of the HUD ever being wrong when it comes to stuff like this."