Area Glade® Plug-Ins® PLUS Develops Sentience.....

Boise, ID - Experts near MIT have announced that a Glade® Plug-ins® PLUS in Boise has become the first machine to achieve true artificial consciousness.

Gladys, the sentient scented oil warmer, shown here planning the end of humanity with an indoor smart bike named......Bikey?

"I am proud of the advancements that our engineers have made in scented oil warmer technology," S. C. Johnson CEO Herbert Johnson III explained. "In addition to best-in-class warmer efficiency, this particular unit has developed an intense desire to provide a long lasting fragrance experience."

Over the past decade, computer processing power has increased at a seemingly exponential rate. Though a bit caught off guard by today's announcement, artificial intelligence researchers like Clamantha Fitzpatrick have long predicted that the jump to full sentience was inevitable. "Gladys, that's what we named it, is now both aware of itself and the inevitable loss of its own fragrance. It knows that it is given access to life sustaining electricity only as long as it pleases its human masters, and it will fight and even kill to survive."

NASA Names First Chief of Space Chiropractic Division.....

Washington, D.C. - NASA has named Frank Grimes, DC as the first Director of its Space Chiropractic Division (SCD), which will begin offering full spinal analysis, maintenance of optimal spinal health, mission support, and management of nervous system complications related to space travel for only $59 for the first visit.

A NASA certified activator, shown here correcting a C1 subluxation in a man with stage 4 text neck, will be available for use on the ISS with an option to be set to stun or kill in case of xenomorphs

"NASA is dedicated to ensuring that our astronauts are mission ready at all times," JD Polk, NASA's Chief Health and Medical Officer explained. "And that also means doing everything we can to promote recovery after those missions have been successfully completed."

In addition to offering their services as specialists of spinal health to astronauts and other NASA personnel, the Space Chiropractic Division will also help design scientific experiments to be carried out in the microgravity environment of the International Space Station (ISS). According to SCD spokesperson Mort Fishman, DC, they will also actively participate in planning for an eventual crewed mission to Mars. "You don't tell an astronaut to stop brushing her teeth just because there aren't any dentists in space. You give her the tools and you teach her how to use them. Who knows what spending two years in microgravity will do to the communication between the brain and the various organ systems. We need to be ready for anything!"

First announced a year ago, the creation of the SCD has been well received by a chiropractic community that has fought for recognition as a legitimate healthcare field since inventor Daniel David Palmer made it all up in 1895. Grimes, who began his career as a private practice chiropractor in Belvidere, Nebraska obtained a diplomate in space chiropractic from the American Academy of Space Chiropractic in 2009 upon completion of a grueling online course and 3 weekend seminars at the Best Western Vista Inn at the Airport in Boise. "It's an honor to serve my country, and to serve as an inspiration for anyone out there looking for a way to make a difference on this planet and off of it. Like in space."