Elon Musk Invited to Join First Crewed Boeing Starliner Test Flight.....

Cape Canaveral Space Force Station, FL - In a surprising move by the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA), billionaire businessman and investor Elon Musk has been invited to take part in the May 6th crewed test flight of Boeing's CST-100 Starliner spacecraft.

Elon Musk, shown here in 2024 competing on American Idol, which he plans to buy if Lionel Ritchie is mean to him

"This will be the first Starliner mission with astronauts aboard," Butch Wilmore, who will command the spacecraft, explained. "The AV-085 Atlas 5 rocket will be used for the launch and we will ultimately dock with the International Space Station (ISP) for a week before landing in the Western US, if everything goes as planned."

Musk, who is one of the wealthiest people in the world and the CEO of both electric car manufacturer Tesla and private space company SpaceX, has stirred controversy since purchasing the social media platform Twitter (now X) in October of 2022. According to mission pilot Suni Williams, an astronaut since 1998 who has logged 322 days in space and the second highest cumulative spacewalk time by a female astronaut, the success of every mission comes down to training and teamwork. "My role as pilot will be to control and operate the spacecraft, to assist the commander as needed, and to ensure that Elon Musk becomes untethered during a spacewalk."

Chiropractic Researchers Study Effects of Eclipse on Spinal Health.....

Falls Church, VA - The April 8th Great North American Eclipse was a once-in-a-lifetime chance for people from Mexico, the United States, and Canada to experience a true wonder of the natural world. It also represented a unique opportunity for chiropractic researchers to study its effects on spinal health.

A woman, shown here in awe as she takes in one of nature's most incredible sights and right before her spine is ripped from her body by the powerful gravitational force of a combined Sun and Moon

"While millions of people were taking in the majesty of the rare celestial phenomenon, we were hard at work in study sites all along the path of totality," chiropractic geophysicist Frank Grimes, DC explained. "We didn't have the luxury to strap on protective goggles and join the crowds. Who even knows when, or even if there will be another eclipse. I mean, we didn't find out about this one until Steve noticed it was getting dark earlier than usual."

The study of eclipses take as much luck as hard work given the random nature of their appearances. According to Grimes, however, expanding our knowledge of how the human spine responds to a sudden blocking of the Sun by the Moon is worth the effort. "A total eclipse allows researchers in relevant chiropractic fields to study changes from the ionosphere down to the individual vertebrae, which might lead to important breakthroughs in clinical practice or exciting new practice building opportunities."

Chiropractors have long served as experts in the diagnosis and treatment of disturbances in the human spine known as subluxations. Subluxations are most primarily linked to common conditions such as neck and back pain, but the development of severe subluxations involving more than one spinal bone can be much more serious. The most concerning subluxation sequelae is Accordion syndrome, first described in 1907 by Robert Accordion, which is when the failure of key support structures results in a total spinal collapse. 

These subluxations, which are often too subtle to be picked up by even advanced medical imaging modalities, have also been discovered in wide variety of non-human animal species when examined by chiropractic experts. Grimes adds that new populations are being found all the time. "We treat horses, elephants, even giraffes. I know a guy who specializes in blue whales. It's inconsistent work, but so rewarding when he gets to watch one head back out to sea with a fully optimized nervous system."

Both the Sun and the Moon are known to have powerful influences over structures on Earth. Anyone who has gotten a sunburn or has been swept out to sea by the ocean tides can attest to that. So it is plausible that their combined might could result in some serious changes to the human body, including the spine. Grimes and his team set out to loo for these changes by evaluating the spines of thousands of patients during the eclipse, and what they found may forever change chiropractic and human healthcare. "They all had subluxations. Every single one of them. And as soon as we fixed one, two more would pop up in its place. I've never seen anything like it, and I attended all six weekends of my fellowship in spinal geophysics."

More Women Turn to Continuous Pregnancy Monitors in Wake of Dobbs Decision.....

Tallahassee, FL - In response to tightening restrictions on access to abortion in many states, more Florida women are turning to a state funded technology that continuously monitors for the onset of pregnancy, allowing more time and more options for seeking medical care.

A Florida woman, shown here just prior to receiving a pregnancy alert text from Steve in the Governor's Office 

"Because of new laws that have emerged in the wake of the Dobbs decision, a lot of women are looking for something to help them feel like they have more autonomy over their bodies and control over their lives," Obstetrician and researcher Mort Fishman, MD explained. "That's where our continuous monitoring system and the database comes into play. When a new pregnancy is confirmed by the device, the state will be alerted and ready to provide guidance, taking a lot of pressure off of the woman."

Once inserted into the uterus, the PermaScan Internal Pregnancy Monitoring and Alert System (PIPMAS), provides constant surveillance for the development of pregnancy using both biochemical assays and direct visualization. According to Fishman, who heads Florida's Department of Internal Surveillance, women are going to appreciate the peace of mind that comes from giving 24/7, real-time information on the health and pregnancy status of their uterus to the Governor's Office. "It will be empowering because they will be free to focus on more important things, like keeping the home and educating their children. The women of Florida are one of our most precious commodities, which is why it will also be legally required that all of them have the device installed prior to their 11th birthday." 

Area Woman Dies from Tragic Brain Injury After Magical Journey Through Time.....

Pine Valley, IL - Pine Valley resident Margaret Turner died today from a rare neurologic injury sustained in the process of returning from a magical journey into the past where she had hoped to make a different choice at a pivotal moment in order see how her life would have turned out if she had never married her husband.

Turner, shown here with her husband a few minutes after realizing how much she still loved him and right before her brain stem exited through the hole in the bottom of her skull

"This sometimes happens with traumatic brain injury induced time jumps," Dr. Mort Fishman, a neurologist at Pine Valley Regional Hospital, explained. "When an individual experiences a second head injury before their brain has fully recovered from the first one, dysfunctional cerebral blood flow can cause an increase in intracranial pressure and herniation of the brain through the foramen magnum. Mrs. Turner must have suffered a second hit to her head while she was looking for a second chance at love. What? Too soon?"

Travelling through time in order to grow as a person, or to realize that what you were looking for all along was right in front of you the whole time, often requires being knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, sometimes after making a wish on a shooting star or dropping a coin in a magic fountain. But according to Fishman this rarely end in death, even when a second impact is required to return. "We can take solace in the fact that she likely had no more than 2 to 5 minutes of realizing that she had made a mistake by asking for that divorce from her husband of 15 years before the injury to her brain resulted in an inability to breathe, loss of consciousness, and finally death."

Sparky the Alabama Municipal Court Canine Judge has Died.....

Montgomery, AL -  Sparky, an Alabama dog first sworn in as a Montgomery municipal court judge in 2008, has died.

Sparky, a lifelong Republican, shown here at a 2016 fundraiser for Donald Trump

"Sparky will be missed around here," Montgomery city council president Cornelius Calhoun revealed. "As a judge, he never wavered in his faithful commitment to justice, demonstrating impartiality, independence, rationality, fairness, and reasonableness in every judgement. And as a dog, he was a good boy. A damn good boy."

First appointed in 2008, Sparky remains the only dog in United States history to have served as a municipal judge, and his judicial career was frequently controversial. According to Alabama historian Muskrat P. Coltrane, Sparky's behavior frequently pushed the envelope of courtroom decorum. "He may have been able to tell a good guy from a bad guy, but he sniffed a lot of crotches and left a lot of puddles in the process. And frankly, I'm still not convinced that it was a good idea."