Conservative Pediatricians Urge Parents to Reconsider Youth Football Participation.....

Gainesville, FL - A group of conservative pediatricians and other healthcare professionals is warning parents to reconsider allowing their young children to participate in youth football, citing increasing evidence of future harm in a statement issued today.

Taylor Swift, shown here signaling her legion of brainwashed followers to rise up and swarm the Texas border with Mexico so that nothing will stop the Democrats from replacing real Americans 

"This is a statement that I honestly never thought we would need to release," American College of Pediatricians President Michael Artigues explained. "But with the malign influence of Taylor Swift on the NFL, children participating in the sport could end up exposed to liberal propaganda that might set their impressionable minds on the path to voting for a Democrat."

The new statement from the ACP has caught many parents by surprise. Artigues, who also co-authored an earlier policy guide for parents of children who are considering cutting back on their daily red meat consumption, is reassuring concerned families that there are other available parenting options. "Parents looking for safer ways to expose their children to repetitive head trauma and humiliation by an adult authority figure can always just beat them a few times a week for being lazy."

Alabama Executes Man Using New and Controversial Method.....

Atmore, AL - Alabama has put an inmate to death using a giant magnifying glass, a never before used execution method that the state claims was humane, and pretty exciting for the people watching, but critics are calling the approach cruel and experimental.

A young child in Alabama practicing executions on insects with a state issued magnifying glass

Kenneth Eugene Smith, a 58-year-old convicted killer whose 2022 lethal injection was called off at the last minute because of difficulty establishing IV access, was pronounced incinerated at a south Alabama prison in Atmore yesterday. This was the first time that this particular method of execution has been used, and it will likely replace lethal injection, which was first introduced in 1982.

"It's simple physics," American mechanical engineer, science communicator, and television presenter Bill Nye explained. "The convex glass refracted rays of light from the Sun, focusing the photons into a highly localized area that resulted in an extremely high temperature. All Alabama needed was the giant magnifying glass, the crane, a sunny day, and an empty void to consume every last shred of human decency left in their black and shriveled hearts."

Attorneys representing Smith worked to have the courts put a stop to the execution, arguing that more scrutiny of the method was necessary.  The 11th Circuit Court of Appeals recently rejected claims that death by magnifying glass falls under the ban of cruel and unusual punishment and the Supreme Court did not accept that a second execution attempt would be unconstitutional. According to Justice Clarence Thomas, who took time from his vacation at a luxury resort on Kudadoo Island in the Maldives, he is looking forward to seeing footage of the execution. "This should be interesting, and it is exactly what the founders of this country were thinking of when writing the Constitution."

According to State law, Alabama first released Smith into a small fenced in area near the prison as the magnifying glass was being lifted by the crane to catch the sunlight. Alabama governor Kay Ivey, who was in attendance and had a great time according to witnesses, discussed the process during a recent visit to an elementary school in Birmingham. "You see, children, Alabama believes in giving people a fighting chance. Mr. Smith can run but he's gonna tire out eventually, and then he's gonna burn. Now who wants a cookie?"

Some medical experts had raised the alarm about the execution method being put into action by the state of Alabama. Dr. Mort Fishman, a normal human doctor with a conscience, believes that ignoring the potential risks of an untested method is pretty fucked up. "Problems with aiming the concentrated beam of light could result in severe burn injuries. The victim could suffer and they might not expire for several minutes. Not to mention the potential for catastrophic collateral damage to nearby onlookers and structures should the crane operator make any mistakes in positioning the magnifying glass."

The execution ended up taking roughly 22 minutes from the time between focusing the sunlight into a cohesive beam and throwing a tarp over Smith's charred remains. Smith screamed loudly as the beam made contact with various parts of his body over several minutes. Once his head was engulfed in flames, there were at least two additional minutes of writhing on the ground before he ceased to move.

Birth Plans Now Legally Binding, Supreme Court Rules.....

Washington, D.C. - In a stunning 6-3 decision, the Supreme Court has overturned a lower court's ruling and established new precedent making hospital birth plans legally binding.

Lariat Caption, shown here smiling on the outside after the SCOTUS ruling, plans to deliver her 33 week twins in a dolphin paddock like Gaia intended

"This is a victory for natal women everywhere," Justice Amy Coney Barett explained. "And if a natal women who is about to contribute to the domestic supply of infants wants a particular kind of pain control, delivery method, music, or provider ethnicity, she will have it because this is America now."

First introduced in the late 1970s as a response to an overmedicalization of the hospital birthing process, birth plans were intended to put more control back into the hands of pregnant women by facilitating communication and emotional support during childbirth. Some medical providers, like obstetrician Mort Fishman, are concerned that federal enforcement of birth plans that were not created collaboratively with a primary obstetrical care provider will fail to provide a sense of control and satisfaction or to improve outcomes. "Do I want all women to be able to give birth in microgravity, or to have access to a sample of Gwyneth Paltrow's vaginal flora, if that's what they want? Of course I do. I'm not a monster. But I work in a small community hospital and we just don't have those kind of resources."

Controversial Pile of Dog Shit Enters Second Day.....

Brookline, MA - According to an anonymous source at the scene, a pile of dog shit located near the living room couch has entering its second day as tensions rise between members of the Mitchell family.

Stupid dog sociopath Sock Mitchell, shown here clearly proud of what he has done, has a pattern of ignoring societal norms 

"Action needs to be taken," Cleve Mitchell explained. "This didn't just happen. That pile of dog shit has been there since yesterday. It's all dry and crumbly for Christ's sake! No, that shit is from last night...maybe even yesterday afternoon, which is a blatant disregard of the rules established when we got that damn dog."

Lawyers representing 15-year-old Ella Mitchell are questioning her father's forensic analysis of the feces. According to a statement released this morning, an independent expert has concluded that the shit is at most only a few hours old. "Any accusations involving our client Ms. Mitchell, and whether or not she allegedly ignored the pile of canine excrement instead of picking it up and cleaning the tile, are slanderous and will result in legal action."

Proctor & Gamble Researcher Mauled by Bear According to Leaked Memo.....

Cincinnati, OH - According to a leaked company memo, a researcher working for Proctor & Gamble was mauled to death by a bear in March of 2023 while working on a new product design for Charmin toilet paper.

A country bear, shown here defecating in the woods without the benefit of Charmin Ultra Soft toilet paper's scalloped edge design that those fancy city bears are always going on about

"We are truly sorry for the loss of a member of the Proctor & Gamble family," Executive Chairman David S. Taylor explained. "We take safety very seriously, but Steve knew going into this project that there would be risks when working with wild animals, particularly when they have such high expectations for comfort and convenience in the bathroom. We believe, and I think I can speak for Steve here, that the benefits of the scalloped edges on our Ultra Soft toilet paper far outweigh those risks."

The new design for Charmin Ultra Soft toilet paper, which rolled out in October of last year, involved a change from straight to wavy perforations separating individual squares. Taylor denies that the death was covered up, stating that a respect for employee dignity and privacy is paramount at Proctor & Gamble. "Steve loved his job and he wiped those bears' asses day in and day out with pride because he believed that our new edges would provide a better, smoother tear with a cleaner separation between sheets every single time."

Historic Chiropractic Conference Clarifies Causes of Vertebral Subluxations.....

Mosterøy, Norway - Having emerged triumphantly from the historic Utstein Abbey on the Norwegian island of Mosterøy early this morning, Chiropractor Frank Grimes announced to a hushed crowd of thousands an updated list of potential causes of the vertebral subluxation.

According to a recent study near Harvard, 30% of vertebral subluxations in women occur when a child steps on a sidewalk crack or line

"No longer will chiropractors be forced to clumsily fumble around in the dark," Dr. Grimes explained. "We may now call upon the shining light of expert consensus to illuminate the path to better health for all of our patients!"

Not since the 1996 meeting of the Association of Chiropractic Colleges, when the definition of the vertebral subluxation was solidified, and a golden age of manipulation was ushered in, has there been such a huge leap forward in the field. Now, in addition to knowing that a vertebral subluxation is a complex of functional and/or structural and/or pathological articular changes that compromise neural integrity and may influence organ system and general health, chiropractors around the world will have an improved framework for what causes them. They hope that this newfound knowledge will lead to improved subluxation prevention and, most importantly, in the saving of countless lives.

The following is a list of the categories of potential causes of the vertebral subluxation complex, and some common examples as determined by almost 100 chiropractors representing the European Society of Chiropractry, the European Academy of Chiropractology, the PanAsian Society for Intensive Chiropractic Medicine, the American Academy of Chiropractic Engineers, the International Union of Concerned Chiropractors, the World Chiropractic League All-Stars, and several additional related societies including, but not limited to, the Eastern Michigan Chiropractic Dinner Club, the Southern Chiropractic Dentists of America Society, Chiropractic Anonymous, and local chiropractor Ulf Peterson who hosted the assembled experts at his house for a traditional Norwegian meal of boiled sheep's head and glogg:

T(rauma)1. Major physical trauma - Falling down stairs, being hit by a truck, being vaginally delivered
T2. Moderate physical trauma - Sneezing, watching a tennis or ping pong match
T3. Mild physical trauma - Eating, breathing, a light breeze

C(hemical)1. Major chemical trauma - Smoking, alcohol, pollution, pharmaceuticals
C2. Moderate chemical trauma - Nutritional deficiencies, caffeine, processed food, food allergies
C3. Mild chemical trauma - Heartburn, hot tubs set to > 90F, offensive odors

E(motional)1. Major emotional trauma - Divorce, death of a spouse or child, verbal abuse such as from an employer, psychological abuse such as when a new acquaintance beings to slowly adopt your mannerisms and style of dress in a sadistic attempt to replace you in your circle of friends
E2. Moderate emotional trauma - Louse noises such as gunfire or accidentally knocking over a lamp or stepping on a squeaky dog toy when trying to sneak out of the apartment without waking up your roomate who we all know is kind of a jerk and your friends don't like him
E3. Mild emotional trauma - Quieter noises like soothing whispers from a lover or the beating wings of a hummingbird in a nearby English garden, guild such as that associated with forgetting to put the toilet seat down or to put gas in the car when you were the last person to use it and it was practically running on fumes

Miscellaneous - Gypsy curses, when your child steps on a crack or a line, spontaneous human subluxation

New Mean Girls Play in Production.....

New York City - The creators of the hit 2004 movie Mean Girls, the popular Broadway musical Mean Girls, and the soon-to-be released movie Mean Girls have announced plans to produce a play based on the movie based on the musical based on the original movie.

Lacy Chabert, who played fan favorite Gretchen Wieners in the original Mean Girls movie, shown here at the scene of a shopping mall mass shooting meet cute in the Hallmark Christmas romantic comedy Santa Has Amnesia...and He's Lonely?

"I was having dinner with my family and a few friends when someone asked what my next project was going to be," American actress, comedian, writer, and producer Tina Fey explained. "And without any hesitation, I blurted out "Mean Girls, but on a stage...and no music," This just seemed like the most logical next step, because people just can't get enough of these mean girls!"

The new play, much like the movie based on the Broadway show, the Broadway show, and the original non-musical movie, will focus on new student Cady Heron's struggle to fit into the complex social networks of a typical high school in the suburbs of Illinois. According to Fey, the play will have a mix of familiar elements and original content. "What if fetch happens this time? I mean, what if it really happens."

Hallmark Channel Sets New Record for Christmas Movies in 2023.....

Studio City, CA - Already known for a busy production schedule, particularly during the holiday season, Hallmark Channel has announced that they set an all-time record last year during their popular "Countdown to Christmas" and "Miracles of Christmas" events.

Willoby Parker and Hambone Tumph, shown here in Christmas Again...Again?, one of the 290 movies they starred in during Hallmark's Countdown to Christmas in 2023

"We usually produce around 30-40 Christmas or holiday themed movies each season," Hallmark Media Chairman Donald J. Hall Jr. explained. "But from Friday, October 20th through Thursday, December 21st, we aired an incredible 630 new movies on the main channel, Hallmark Movies & Mysteries, and our Hallmark Movies Now streaming service. It wasn't easy, but our dedicated viewers just can't get enough of these festive movies and the experience of inviting their favorite stars into the comfort of their very own living rooms each and every night during the holidays."

How did Hallmark manage to write and produce content for 10 new movies to air daily over the two months leading up to Christmas? According to Hall Jr., Hallmark refused to sacrifice quality in the name of quantity. "We did have to make a few creative decision, but there was no corner cutting, just hard work."

Not all fans of the yearly block of holiday movies agree. Some, like self-described "Hallmark addict" Brenda Carter Samuelson Nash, have been expressing their disappointment online. "The drop in quality was obvious from the first movie that aired on October 20th, The Christmas Pony Rides Again, to Scotland, to the last one on December 21st, Christmas Movie #630 (Needs Title, Something About Santa Being Sad). Half of the movies were mostly just reused scenes from Christmas at Mistletoe Manor and Mistletoe Christmas Magic edited in a different order and a few new scenes with a different sassy black and/or gay best friend and/or co-worker."

President Biden Crowns Himself Emperor for Life on 3rd Anniversary of January 6th Insurrection.....

Washington, D.C. - Joe Biden, the 81-year-old former United States Senator and current President of the United States from Scranton, Pennsylvania, seized ultimate authority over the country today by declaring himself "emperor for life".

Emperor Joe Biden, shown here describing in graphic detail what happens to anyone who gets in his way

"Of all days to do this," former Speaker of the House of Representatives Nancy Pelosi explained. "Not that any day would be a good day to declare yourself supreme leader of America, and to tear up the Constitution during a live address in front of both houses of Congress, but on a Saturday?"

Biden's brazen power grab is raising a number of questions as elected government officials and career federal employees have begun taking voluntary oaths of loyalty in order to avoid being transferred to one of several large "re-education centers" being established in Alaska. According to Democratic Congressman Adam Schiff, Biden's move to ignore the well-established precedent of democracy in the United States is worrisome. "It looks like my colleagues from across the aisle got this one right, which makes me wonder what other "conspiracy theories" are actually true. Was the election stolen? Are we being replaced by immigrants? I've got some serious thinking to do, or at least I would if that was allowed by Emperor Biden."

Police Nutritionists Issue Warning Over Fentanyl-Laced Lemonade.....

Miami, FL - Experts from the Miami Police Department's Nutrition Crimes Unit (NCU) are issuing a warning to be on the lookout for drug dealers selling fentanyl-laced lemonade to children.

A drug dealer, shown here posing as a child running a pop-up neighborhood lemonade stand and with enough fentanyl-laced sugar water to kill every thirsty toddler in Pittsburgh

"This lemonade looks, smells, and even tastes like conventional lemonade that doesn't have any fentanyl in it at all," Police nutritional toxicologist and NCU Chief Mort Fishman explained. "This stuff is just high fructose corn syrup, lemon juice, and scoop after scoop of fentanyl. And don't be fooled by what looks like an innocent child's lemonade stand because most of those are actually just really small adults looking to get your kids hooked."

The Miami Police Department's NCU was established last year when Dr. Fishman got really scared after seeing a news report of a lemonade-related fatality caused by excessive levels of caffeine. Corporal Chad Blaze, a 2-month veteran of the NCU and victim of the first reported mosquito-borne fentanyl overdose in 2022, is excited about bringing the expertise he gained while working with the MPD's Stinger unit to tackling killer lemonade this Summer. "I'm confident that the FIM-92 Stinger surface-to-air missile system is ideally suited to this situation. I'm pretty confident."