Cincinnati, OH - According to a leaked company memo, a researcher working for Proctor & Gamble was mauled to death by a bear in March of 2023 while working on a new product design for Charmin toilet paper.
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| A country bear, shown here defecating in the woods without the benefit of Charmin Ultra Soft toilet paper's scalloped edge design that those fancy city bears are always going on about |
"We are truly sorry for the loss of a member of the Proctor & Gamble family," Executive Chairman David S. Taylor explained. "We take safety very seriously, but Steve knew going into this project that there would be risks when working with wild animals, particularly when they have such high expectations for comfort and convenience in the bathroom. We believe, and I think I can speak for Steve here, that the benefits of the scalloped edges on our Ultra Soft toilet paper far outweigh those risks."
The new design for Charmin Ultra Soft toilet paper, which rolled out in October of last year, involved a change from straight to wavy perforations separating individual squares. Taylor denies that the death was covered up, stating that a respect for employee dignity and privacy is paramount at Proctor & Gamble. "Steve loved his job and he wiped those bears' asses day in and day out with pride because he believed that our new edges would provide a better, smoother tear with a cleaner separation between sheets every single time."
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