Friday, December 30, 2022

BitBabies!™: the Hottest New Trend in Toys for Toddlers.....

San Francisco, CA - According to experts in entertainment and technology trends, a hot new collectible toy has young children everywhere begging their parents to "Invest In 'Em All!" during the post-holiday sales season.

A disillusioned toddler, shown here questioning his parents' love while clinging to an outdated analog stuffed animal

"There is simply nothing hotter than BitBabies!™ right now," BitBabies!™ CEO Tim Berpshade explained. "These unique and non-interchangeable tokens are stored on a secure digital ledger, and the tiny digital animal babies that they signal ownership of are absolutely adorable! When you tell a child about blockchain technology and show them an image of their new furry friend, their eyes just light right up."

Traditional analog collectibles and toys have entertained children for thousands of years, but they do have some significant downsides. Without extreme care or placement in specialized storage containers, action figures and stuffed animals wear down over time. These items also tend to be mass produced copies that every kid on the block can easily get their hands on. With rare exception, the value of children's toys go down over time.

Each and every BitBabies!™ collectible toy is a 100% unique digital asset that just happens to be loved by kids around the world. As they grow older, however, a child may lose interest in playing with toys. But instead of being tossed out in the trash or donated to a homeless shelter, these tokens are sure to increase in value over time. Think of them as an investment in your child and their future financial well-being.

Getting your hands on these exciting collectibles couldn't be easier. According to Berpshade, parents simply need to purchase Ethereum on a crypto exchange, transfer their crypto to a crypto wallet, connect that wallet to an NFT marketplace and, once connected, access the BitBabies!™ collection. "There are literally millions of these cute critters to choose from, each with a slight variation that makes it absolutely unique, so I'm confident that one of these furry friends will be perfect for every child. But unfortunately some parents are stuck in the past and don't love their children enough to invest in their future."

Wednesday, December 28, 2022

Marie Kondo Partners with Family Physicians to Curb Inappropriate Polypharmacy.....

Leawood, KS - The American Academy of Family Physicians (AAFP) has announced a partnership with organizational consultant Marie Kondo in order to tackle inappropriate polypharmacy in older Americans.

AAFP "Declutter your Pillbox!" campaign spokesperson Marie Kondo, shown here with her two children that made the cut during the Winter Tidying of 2022

"Adults over the age 65 are more likely to have multiple medical conditions and one in three are taking five or more prescription medications every day," AAFP president Sterling N. Ransone explained. "More medications means a higher risk of side effects and unintended problems caused by interactions between drugs that are taken together."

Inappropriate polypharmacy, when a patient is taking excessive or unnecessary medications, can lead to falls, cognitive impairments, and interactions where a medication aimed at treating one condition might worsen another or even cause a new one. According to Marie Kondo, many patients are prescribed medications that don't align with the patient's life and health goals. "Ask yourself, does your prescription blood pressure medication spark joy? If not, ask your family doctor if it's truly needed."

Monday, December 26, 2022

Preschoolers Face Increasing Academic Pressure.....

Chicago, IL - When Joan Wallace drops off her 3-year-old daughter Hannah at preschool this morning, she hugs her and hands over a lovingly packed lunchbox filled with organic and GMO-free items from Trader Joe's complimented by tomatoes picked from her indoor hydroponic garden. The architect, a partner at Cooper Hines and Associates since 2019, then encourages Hannah to quickly run through a set of flash cards one last time. It's a familiar scene outside preschools all across America.

Three toddlers, shown here preparing for an upcoming preschool aptitude test (PSAT) and hoping for scores that won't ruin their future prospects or embarrass their families

"Caterpillar!" Hannah proudly exclaims as her mother holds up a card featuring a lepidoptera in its larval form. Her mother is unable to contain a disappointed sigh, however. According to Wallace, caterpillars don't get you into Harvard. "Flowers!" The excited toddler's face lights up as her mother holds up the next card. She right but Wallace is clearly hoping for more. "That's only partial credit. These are Siam Roses. Come on Hannah, you know these!"

After an attempt at the Greek alphabet and the first 5 prime numbers, Wallace kisses her daughter goodbye and heads to work with a look of concern on her face. "Hannah just isn't progressing. If she doesn't excel now, how can we expect her to rise to the challenge of an Ivy League kindergarten. And if she drops the ball in kindergarten, what then? Flipping burgers?"

Wallace may come across as high strung and perhaps placing too much emphasis on the academic performance of a 3-year-old. But she isn't alone. Today's competitive learning environment is leading to an increasing number of parents of young children who are already worried about their child's future. Many are finding it increasingly difficult for their children to even keep up with the rigorous lesson plans and homework in top tier preschools, let alone to stand out as stellar students with good prospects of acceptance into a prestigious kindergarten. It is this pressure to perform that experts believe is behind the increasing numbers of preschool dropouts.

Rising truancy rates are not the only problems that school officials are experiencing. Tina Crabbins, a teacher at the Primrose Academy Preschool where Hannah Wallace is enrolled, has seen sharp increases in cheating as well. "Yesterday I caught a student with the names of the primary colors written on her wrist during a pop quiz. She can't even read. How did she think that was going to help?"

Another disturbing trend is the increasing number of 2 and 3-year-old students being diagnosed with anxiety related conditions. Crabbins explained that burnout wasn't something that she saw as a new teacher twenty years ago, but now she regularly receives notes from her students' psychiatrists asking for accommodations. "I worry that if the pressure of preschool derails the education of a child, they are high risk of slipping through the cracks entirely. A 3-year-old just isn't going to make it in the real world without being able to sing "itsy bitsy spider" and at least a basic understanding of the four seasons."

Saturday, December 24, 2022

Disgruntled Former McDonald's Spokesperson Makes Comeback.....

Garden City, ID - Former McDonald's Spokesperson Grimace, who had been out of the public eye for years and long rumored to have died from complications related to his morbid obesity, is 200 pounds lighter and staring in a one-man show based on his life.

Grimace, shown here chasing Birdie during a drunken rage, admits in his new show that there were times when his behavior towards her was abusive  

"It has taken a lot of time, some intense psychotherapy, opening my heart to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, and gastric bypass surgery to get me to where I am today," Grimace explained. "But the show is about more than what happened in the past. I didn't just lose weight. I lost a lot of my emotional baggage too! This is my chance to make a fresh start and forge a new path into the future."

Grimace's performance, The Milkshake Monologues, can be seen at the Garden City Rumpus Room starting in January and promises to clear up several misconceptions about his life and career working alongside Ronald McDonald, the Hamburglar, the Fry Kids, the McNugget Buddies, Mayor McCheese, the Happy Meal Gang, and Birdie the Early Bird. Grimace, who now goes by Grim, revealed that there will be a heavy focus on his off-set romance with Birdie. "There were so many rumors going around, and there was some truth to them. I had really hit rock bottom. There was this one time when Ronald walked in on me snorting strawberry milkshake of of her stomach while she was giving Mac Tonight a wing job. It's all in the show."

Speaking of the leader of the gang of friends from McDonaldland, Grim doesn't plan on pulling any punches when it comes to Ronald McDonald. According to the giant purple humanoid taste bud, he suffered years of psychological abuse at the hands of the sadistic clown. "I'm an actor. My character was a clumsy simpleton who only cared about shoving milkshakes down my gullet. But even when the cameras weren't rolling, Ronald treated me like dirt. I think that's why I started hating myself, and why I lived such an unhealthy lifestyle. I've learned to love myself now."

Friday, December 23, 2022

Elon Musk Announces Large Personal Investment in Precision Medicine.....

Boca Chica, TX - During a press conference held today at the SpaceX Starbase in Boca Chica, business magnate and investor Elon Musk announced that he has purchased a unique cancer drug developed through precision medicine to target specific genetic mutations in the brain tumor of a 7-year-old child from Austin.

Musk, shown here celebrating the acquisition of "Tyler's Cure", will likely store the one-of-a-kind cancer therapy on a display shelf in one of his homes but he hasn't really decided yet

"This is an amazing advance in pediatric cancer treatment," Musk explained while gently tossing the bag of bespoke chemotherapy back and forth from one hand to the other. "This drug literally doesn't exist anywhere else in the universe, can't be easily replicated, and it's mine...it's all mine."

Precision medicine, considered by many experts to be the future of personalized treatment of a wide range of diseases, takes into account the genetic differences of each patient. According to Mort Fishman, the pediatric oncologist at St. Jude Children's Research Hospital who led the team that developed the highly specific drug cocktail to treat Tyler's cancer, the past two decades have seen incredible progress. "We were able to determine the unique genetic features of his tumor so that they could be targeted in a way that would improve his chance of survival and reduce his exposure to risky treatments that would have been unlikely to help...until Musk decided he had to have it."

Like most young children with a terminal illness, Tyler still focuses on the positive things in life, like his favorite soccer star finally winning a World Cup championship or when his nausea eases just enough to try a spoonful of chocolate pudding. Tyler, who is believed to have twelve to fifteen months to live without access to this revolutionary drug therapy, still believes that all people have goodness in them, even if sometimes it is hidden deep in their hearts. "I guess Mr. Musk needs my medicine more than me. I hope it makes him happy. I'm really tired. I'm just so tired."

Thursday, December 22, 2022

Santa Faces Credible Accusations of Sexual Assault.....

Anchorage, AK - Santa Claus may be best known as the jolly old elf who brings joy to children all over the world at Christmas each year, but this could soon change as he is now facing several credible accusations of sexual assault here in the United States.

Santa, shown here being taken into custody by law enforcement officers, has denounced his accusers as naughty liars and claims to have the list to prove it

"This is a man with access to every mother's home in the entire world," Gloria Allred, lawyer for three of the six alleged victims, explained. "Is it really surprising that he would abuse his power dynamic over mortal female humans considering his centuries of worker exploitation and animal abuse?"

Santa, who is currently in the custody of the Anchorage Police Department, is claiming that any sexual activity he has taken part in since the 16th century has been consensual. One of his accusers, who is going by "Jane Doe" out of fear for her safety given the widespread popularity of the magical being she claims forcibly groped her and kissed her on the mouth last Christmas Eve, is hoping that more victims will have the courage to come forward. "He cornered me and said what a shame it would be if he had to skip our house next year. I felt so helpless. I couldn't move. My son saw the whole thing from the top of the stairs and I told him that it was his father because he would be devastated if he knew what really happened."

Wednesday, December 21, 2022

Remember When Zagmuk Used to Mean Something.....

Editorial
by Sumu-la-El

Remember when Zagmuk used to mean something? Before it became so commercialized? Before every bazaar started selling Marduk ornaments and 12-stone diamond pendants? You know the ones, where each diamond represents a day of Marduk's grueling battle with Tiamat, the monster of chaos.

I remember a time in Babylonia when Zagmuk meant a chance to come together as a people, to forget our petty differences and assist our patron deity Marduk, the Sun god and creator of the heavens, in restoring order, beauty, and peace to our barren world by once again repelling the advances of Tiamat. Why the horrible goddess of the sea returns each year I know not. But I do know that it is with our aid that Marduk finds the strength to cleave the hideous chaos dragon in half with his invincible spear.

But these days, most of my Mesopotamian brothers probably don't even know what Zagmuk is all about. I mean, you can hardly mention Zagmuk anymore with offending somebody, or calling the wrath of the Babylonian Civil Liberties Union down upon your village. Nobody seems to even care that tomorrow the sun will remain visible in the great sky for slightly longer than today, marking the turning of the tide in favor of Marduk as he attempts to renew the Earth for yet another year. Marduk is what Zagmuk is all about and I'm not ashamed to say it.

Tuesday, December 20, 2022

More Americans are Turning to a Risky Medical Procedure to Prevent COVID Vaccine Side Effects.....

Aspen, CO - As fears of long term side effects from the SARS-CoV-2 mRNA vaccines continue to increase, more Americans are turning to an invasive and potentially deadly medical procedure.

The family of Hank Lopez, shown here undergoing a bone marrow transplant at the ImmunoPure Medical Spa in Aspen, is asking for donations to the Daily Caller Foundation in lieu of flowers

"People are scared," ImmunoPure Medical Spa spokesperson Avery Basket explained. "Every day there are more reports of people hearing about sudden deaths and turbo cancers. What we do is give people some peace of mind. We give them hope."

The two most prominent vaccines against COVID-19 involve the use of mRNA technology. This process involves introducing a small amount of mRNA into the body so that our own cellular machinery can produce a protein that is found on the outer membrane of the SARS-CoV-2 virus. This allows the body's immune system to learn how to recognize the virus in the event of an infection and respond more quickly in order to prevent severe disease and death. 

Despite an abundance of data showing these vaccines to be safe and effective, many have refused them. And an increasing number of people are regretting their choice to be immunized early in the pandemic, citing the potential for a variety of adverse outcomes often discussed in conservative political circles, which have increasingly merged with traditional anti-vaccine voices over the past roughly three years. Clinics like the ImmunoPure Medical Spa in Aspen are popping up to offer these people a way to purify their bodies.

The procedure being offered is one that might sound familiar to people knowledgeable about the treatment of some cancers and blood disorders. According to neuro-oncology physiatrist Mort Fishman, who serves as ImmunoPure's medical director, all medical interventions come with some risk. "Yes, it's invasive. But the only way to remove these unnatural changes to a patient's immune system is to start from scratch. So we cleanse the bone marrow with ablative chemotherapy and then restore their bone marrow to its natural state using pure stem cells from an unvaccinated donor."

Monday, December 19, 2022

Choosing Wisely Campaign Releases Updated Recommendations on Unnecessary Medical Interventions.....

Philadelphia, PA - The Choosing Wisely® campaign, led by the American Board of Internal Medicine, has released an additional evidence-based list of five common conditions seen frequently in hospital care settings where clinicians and patients can partner to safely avoid unnecessary tests and procedures.

Former COVID vaccine recipient Hank Lopez, shown here undergoing a bone marrow transplant at the ImmunoPure Medical Spa in Aspen, CO

"These are common conditions seen in hospitals across the country," ABIM president Richard J. Baron, MD explained. "Avoiding unnecessary interventions means avoiding unnecessary pain, radiation, extended hospital stays, and healthcare expenses, as well as the anxiety and additional testing that comes from false positive findings that are more common when a medical test isn't based on reasonable clinical suspicion."

As medical science has rapidly advanced over the last few decades, physicians are increasingly able to rapidly perform numerous diagnostic tests and surgical procedures. According to Dr. Baron, this has resulted in an increasing amount of over-testing and treatment. "We hope that this new Choosing Wisely® list will encourage more clinicians to trust their clinical skills and avoid tests and procedures that are very unlikely to help their patients in these specific circumstances."

In order to prepare the updated list, a Choosing Wisely® task force performed a rigorous review of all the available evidence and came to an expert consensus on clinical presentations that frequently result in testing and treatment that should be avoided. Mort Fishman, an internal medicine physician and chairperson of the task force, hopes that this effort, along with previous published recommendations from Choosing Wisely®, will serve as a helpful guide. "We encourage patients, families, and providers to think twice before asking for, ordering, or performing these tests or procedures."

The new list includes the following recommendations:

  • Do not surgically reenter the abdomen 1 month after performing an appendectomy in order to make sure that the appendix didn't grow back.
  • Do not perform ablative chemotherapy followed by bone marrow transplant from an unvaccinated donor in order to remove SARS-CoV-2 spike protein from the body.
  • Do not allow patients to take home leftover blood after a surgical procedure unless they promise to use it within 72 hours.
  • Do not order an MRI on a patient just to settle a bet, even if it's a sure thing this time Dr. Sanders.
  • Do not order intravenous acetaminophen for any patient unless both their mouth and anus are missing or non-functional, and even then try to come up with a workaround.
The list is available through the Choosing Wisely® website.

Friday, December 16, 2022

Supply Chain Problems Impact Holiday Shopping.....

Washington, D.C. - The United States Department of Commerce has disclosed that continued pandemic related supply chain problems will likely impact holiday shopping this season.

The desiccated remains of a forgotten 2021 Elf on the Shelf, shown here being prepared for shipping back to the North Pole for burial on ancestral grounds

"This should not come as a surprise to most Americans," Secretary Gina Raimondo explained. "Though the outlook for next year has improved over the past several weeks, right now many consumers are having a tough time finding what they want at an affordable price."

In addition to challenges when it comes to finding the perfect gift for friends and family this holiday season, supply chain problems have resulted in some unexpected difficulties for parents of younger children. According to Carol Aebersold, co-founder of The Lumistella Company, some families are going to be extremely disappointed. "I hope that parents remembered to feed their Elf on the Shelf this year because it may take several months to replace a dead one."

Thursday, December 15, 2022

Massachusetts Baby Breaks World Apgar Score Record.....

Newton, MA - A Massachusetts newborn has finally broken the decades old infant Apgar record of 10 that was first set by the child of a Sloane Hospital for Women administrator in 1953.

Apgar record breaking newborn, Egbert Givens, shown here reading his favorite original printing of Tolstoy's War and Peace while getting some tummy time

"I've seen more than a few tens over the years," neonatal historian Mort Fishman MD explained. "Then there was that Guatemalan kid who got an eleven in 2013, but that ended up being a hoax. And now a twelve…at one minute? That baby is a genius, a liar, or maybe a bit of both."

The Apgar score is a standardized evaluation system applied to all newborns at least twice during the first several minutes of life in order to assess their general health status, need for resuscitation, and response to interventions aimed at improving a the transition from dependence on the placenta to thriving as a fully self-actualized infant. According to Dr. Fishman, the eponymous scoring system was named after the obstetrical anesthesiologist who developed it in 1952 and has been helpful in determining which of the five societal castes a child best fits into. "These scores do much more than simply help determine if a child will succeed in life. They play a key role in upholding the stability of a perfect society."

During Apgar scoring, several factors are assessed. These typically include the newborn infant's coloring, pulse rate, response to stimulation, muscle tone, breathing, physiological and cognitive self-awareness, interest in fine art and literature, grasp of complex and abstract mathematical principles, a Turing test, and finally their epistemological perspective. Children with a score of 9 or 10 are destined to become powerful and influential as leaders of mankind. Fishman, who peaked at an Apgar score of 8 at five minutes of life in 1965, says that it is unclear what to do with a 12. "If this ends up being a legitimate twelve and not another hoax, this kid might just rule the world one day."

Wednesday, December 14, 2022

Georgia Family Sues Over Missed Chiropractic Subluxations.....

Atlanta, GA - Clarence and Granville Morse had never heard of a subluxation before their 19-year-old son, Elgin, was found dead on the floor of his apartment last October, his 6-month-old Miniature Schnauzer whimpering and licking his cold face.

A woman with Stage 3 salad neck who would go on to die suddenly from regional cervical spinal collapse
A functional and/or structural and/or pathological disorder of the spine and surrounding musculature that can only be appropriately diagnosed by a trained professional, subluxations can present with a variety of clinical syndromes, even sudden and unexpected death, but is largely associated with neck and back pain. In all 50 states, subluxations are typically diagnosed at chiropractic clinics.

A Georgia Bureau of Investigation autopsy found that Elgin Morse died from a congenital cardiac malformation that predisposed him to a fatal arrhythmia. A second review by a chiropractic forensic pathologist disagreed, concluding that Morse died because of total spinal collapse, also known as Accordion syndrome, and had no other abnormal findings or drugs in his system. Accordion syndrome, which was first described by chiropractor Richard Accordion in 1907, has been linked to spinal subluxations according to the American College of Chiropractic Forensic Pathologists.

Clarence and Granville Morse have filed a wrongful death lawsuit against Dr. Clark Bartram, claiming a failure to diagnose the subluxations that ultimately resulted in their son's death.

They don't know how long their son had been living with subluxations, but he must have been experiencing adverse effects, Granville Morse said at a news conference Tuesday. In his apartment, they found a to-do list with one item that stood out like a sore plectum: see a chiropractor.

The lawsuit was originally filed in May and an expanded version was filed earlier this week. The lawyer who filed the suit said they want to send a message to medical doctors that subluxations are unsafe and shouldn't be ignored.

"The medical-industrial complex claims that subluxations are a natural and completely safe finding that don't impact health or well-being in a negative way," lawyer Mitt Chesterton explained. "However, even if that were true, and it very much isn't, subluxations in the United States are often more advanced at diagnosis because anti-chiropractic propaganda keeps people from getting checked."

Chiropractors say that subluxations are unsafe, unnatural spinal abnormalities that cause pain and a wide variety of other problems.

Elgin Morse likely developed subluxations years before his death, however it is possible that he died from acute severe subluxation syndrome (ASSS). ASSS is especially dangerous, "because the system can be overwhelmed suddenly by an extremely severe subluxation, the risk of death is substantially increased," the lawsuit says. 

Clarence Morse believe that had his son's subluxation been found and treated, he would be alive today. "It's 2022 and people are walking out of doctor's offices with a life threatening condition that is being treated like it doesn't even exist. It's almost as if there are two completely different systems, with one based in reality and the other is a complete fantasy that is just designed to look and act like real medical care."

Tuesday, December 13, 2022

Is the Greatest Generation Also the Dumbest? A New Study Says Yes.....

Near Harvard - A new study near Harvard is raising questions about the intelligence of the generation of Americans many hold up as "the greatest", specifically those born between 1901 and 1927.

Members of the Korean pop idol group BTS, shown here performing their #1 smash hit "Permission to Dance: America Remix: Gangsta Rhythm" featuring Hunter Biden 

"We asked almost 10,000 adults over the age of 90 a few simple questions just to gauge baseline intelligence," Lead researcher Wildnerness Arbuckle Jones explained. "You know, simple stuff, like what is an NFT, how does the blockchain work, how is gender defined, and what year Old Town Road became a hit for Lil Nas X."

Despite living through the Great Depression, fighting in World War II, and serving as a driving force of American culture for decades, the results of even the initial tests of their overall intelligence were shockingly poor. According to Jones, most of the subjects were unable to even name a popular K-pop idol or group, let alone recite the lyrics to their favorite BTS song. "It was embarrassing. They don't appear to know an e-girl from a VSCO girl and were easily confused by questions that required knowing the difference between Doja Cat and Megan Thee Stallion."

Monday, December 12, 2022

La Leche League Calls for Focus on Prenatal Breastfeeding.....

Franklin Park, IL - Experts from La Leche League, a non-profit organization that promotes advocacy, education, and training related to breastfeeding in more than 80 countries around the world, is calling on fetal surgeons to develop techniques to improve prenatal breastfeeding rates.

A highly trained team of fetal surgeons and hospital staff, shown here removing a 32-week fetus from her mother's uterus for a 3 AM feeding

"Our focus is mother-to-mother support that recognizes the importance of mothering through breastfeeding," La Leche League USA Council representative Theresa Button explained. "We don't carry a baby in our wombs for months and then suddenly become mothers on the day they are born. We are already mothers on the day we are born, and I dream of a world where a mother doesn't have to withhold her mothering simply because her child hasn't been born yet." 

Experts recognize that breastfeeding has numerous health benefits, such as night vision and the ability to store light absorbed from the sun and then emit it in a concentrated beam of energy powerful enough to melt steel. According to Amanda Summers, La Leche League's chief scientific advisor, the evidence is clear that breastfed infants are stronger, smarter, better looking, and more likely to grow up to be successful adults that live rich and fulfilling lives. "Decades later, when these babies finally reach the end of their long and meaningful lives, they will be remembered by their family, community, and the millions of people they have inspired. Why would anyone withhold that future from a baby just because they haven't developed a suck reflex yet?"

Friday, December 9, 2022

Stephen King Announces Follow-up to Bestselling Novel 11/22/63.....

Bangor, ME - Stephen King, the "King of Horror" who is widely considered to be the most successful writer of horror stories in history, selling more than 400 million copies of his books worldwide, has announced a follow-up to his popular and award winning 2011 time travel thriller, 11/22/63.

The real life meeting of Baby Jessica and President George H.W. Bush in 1989 serves as a pivotal point on the time line in 10/14/87, and one in which the protagonist must make an agonizing decision with the fate of all humanity hanging in the balance

"It's called 10/14/87, and it's my answer to one key question," King explained over a plate of Yankee pot roast during our interview at Geaghan's Pub on Main street. "What if Baby Jessica never fell into that well? Or more to the point, what if not falling into that well sets her on a course that leads to the apocalypse, to the Biblical end times?"

In 10/14/87, King takes the reader on a journey from 2022 to October of 1987 as Jake Epping, the hero from the original novel, returns and is once again tasked with changing the timeline, only this time he's working with the time police to keep reality from unraveling. According to King, Epping is going to be a good bit older and a lot wiser this time around. "Jake thinks that he has to be the one who puts 18-month-old Jessica in that well in Midland, Texas in order to save the future, but that might actually be what dooms it. Or maybe there's something even more mysterious going on...maybe with ghosts?"

Thursday, December 8, 2022

Marvel Studios Announces Reboot of MCU After Phase 4 Fizzles.....

Burbank, CA - Marvel Studios, the Disney owned production company behind the popular Marvel Cinematic Universe has apologized to fans after a poorly received Phase 4 slate of films, and president Kevin Feige has promised a new approach going forward.

An exciting scene from Spider Kid: Secret of the Time Switchers, a bright spot among the MCU Phase 4 movies that brought in nearly $2 billion worldwide in ticket sales

"We are going to right this ship," Feige explained. "Phase 4 had it's bright spots, and we finished strong with Black Panther: Merpeople Attack!, but this slate of films was inconsistent and didn't live up to the expectations of fans."

The Phase 4 films, which opened with the poorly performing, at least by MCU standards, Scarlett Johansson lead Black Widow: Two Girls in the Big City in June 2021, still managed to rake in more than $5.5 billion despite being considerably less well received by critics. According to Feige, there is going to be a focus on quality over quantity in Phases 5 and 6. "Now hear me out. People seem to really love the post-credit scenes. What if we only made those?"

Marvel Studios is also re-examining its upcoming film line-up because of significant internal negative feedback over the roll out of Phase 4. The problems raised behind the scenes allegedly focused primarily on creative difficulties with scripts, particularly the plot, dialogue, characters, setting, pacing, and writing in Thor: Return to Love Island. Post-production issues and below industry standard visual effects were also a concern, with several scenes in the Black Widow film having raised serious concerns, but also parts of The Foreverers and Dr. Weirdo and the Worlds of Wackiness. To prevent Phases 5 and 6 from taking a similar route, Feige adds that there will need to be more creative oversight on projects sill in pre-production, which could result in delays or even cancelled projects.

Wednesday, December 7, 2022

Supreme Court to Hear Arguments in Ohio Intravenous Fluid Rate Case Today.....

Washington, D.C. - The Supreme Court of the United States is about to confront a controversial new case involving state lawmakers' right to use the legislative process to shape the practice of medicine free from the intervention of state courts.

A nurse, shown here demonstrating moral fatigue as she shamefully watches D5NS run at 60.3 milliliters per hour as ordered by an activist conservative doctor in Ohio

The court is set to hear arguments today in a case from Ohio, where Republican efforts to dictate the rate at which maintenance intravenous (IV) fluids, typically consisting of water with varying amounts of added glucose, sodium, chloride, and sometimes potassium, must be infused into a patient, were blocked by the state Supreme Court because the GOP orders violated the state constitution. In Ohio's case, there are clear requirements for maintenance rates to be ordered only using whole numbers. This avoids "an abomination of the natural order".

The question for the justices is whether the United States Constitution's provision giving state legislatures the power to dictate rules about the "rate, route, and type" of IV fluids cuts state courts out of the process altogether.

"This is the single most important case on American medical practice in the nation's history," Mort Fishman, a prominent conservative orthopedic surgeon and former head of the Ohio Republican State Medical Association, explained. "They may round up or down in California when ordering IV fluids, but real Ohioans appreciate precision that doesn't cave in to a woke agenda and their critical rate theory."

The Republican leaders of Ohio's legislature told the Supreme Court that the Constitution's "carefully drawn lines place the calculation of intravenous fluid administration, usually ordered in milliliters or cubic centimeters per hour, in the hands of the state legislatures, Congress and no one else."

Three conservative justices already have voiced some support for the idea that the state court had improperly taken powers given by the Constitution when it comes to IV fluids. A fourth has written approvingly about limiting the power of the state courts in this area. And a fifth sat back and gleefully watched as his wife tried to overthrow the federal government.

But the Supreme Court has never invoked what is known as the independent state legislature theory. It was, though, mentioned in a separate opinion by three conservatives in the Bush v. Gore case that settled the debate between normal saline and Ringer's solution.

If the court were to recognize it now, opponents of the concept argue, the effects could be much broader than simply maintenance rates or whether or not to order an addition of 20 milliequivalents of potassium chloride per liter of fluid.

The most robust ruling for Ohio Republicans could undermine hundreds of state constitutional provisions and state laws delegating authority to make medical decisions to state and local officials, and thousands of regulations down to the location of IV catheter placement, according to the Center for Medicine at the University College of Law.

Fishman, who advised former Vice President Mike Pence to lift with legs and not his back when attempting to carry the remains of his political career home to Indiana after the 2020 presidential election, is not among the several prominent conservatives and Republicans who have lined up against the broad assertion that legislatures can't be challenged in state courts when they make decisions about medical practices, including the proper rate of IV fluid administration.

That group includes former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, law professor Steven Calabresi, a founder of the conservative Federalist Society, and Dr. Fort Mishman, a prominent liberal pediatrician that once diagnosed Malia Obama with "the giggles".

"Unfortunately, because of ongoing and widespread efforts to sow distrust and spread disinformation, confidence in our medical system is at an all time low," Mishman wrote in an amicus brief. "The version of the independent state legislature theory advanced by Petitioners in this case threatens to make a bad situation much worse, exacerbating the current moment of political polarization and further undermining confidence in our orders."

Tuesday, December 6, 2022

President Biden Names Essential Oil Czar.....

Washington, D.C. - President Biden on Tuesday named the first national essential oil czar in a bid to improve the health and mood of the country as inflation and pandemic fears continue deep into the holiday season.

This vial contains enough oil of Gelfling to cure every Skeksis in Pittsburgh of the Darkening

Beckery Tate, BA, MA, RN, DNP, FAAN, EMT-basic, a nurse and doTERRA Double Presidential Diamond from Nebraska, will serve as essential oil czar, the White House said. She will guide the Biden administration's strategy on essential oil use and help increase the awareness of, and interest in, the use of these natural compounds to transform the lives of all Americans:

From source to citizen, my job will be in increase stability, reduce volatility, and to educate the public on the amazing benefits of doTERRA essential oils. I will respond with the urgency that the current poor state of the American public's well being demands, and I will push to increase our strategic essential oil reserves so that future generations will never be forced to live without their miraculous benefits.

Nutritionologist Mitch Rangler, a proponent of essential oils who will stop at nothing to find and consume the essence of healing plants in order to achieve immortality, shown here trying desperately to remember the face of his first and truest love, who died from plague in 1487

Essential oils are created by reversing the magnetostatic field of the Crystal and converting the life force of a healing plant, known as it's essence or vlyia, into a whitish-pink oily liquid. Drinking this essence can have myriad mind and body health benefits. Many experts in wellness, like fully apprenticed nutritionologist Mitch Rangler, have been incorporating these essential oils into healing remedies for years. "I haven't met a patient yet who I couldn't cure, as long as they want it badly enough. It's a damn shame how many people just don't want to fight for their health. A damn shame."

Scientific research over the past few decades has increasingly proven that essential oils may help with a wide variety of highly specific and objective health concerns. According to Tate, her newly developed Essential Oils for All campaign will be reaching out to households across the country in the coming months so that they have the knowledge they need and the access they deserve. "The right oil will boost your mood, improve your job performance, help you get a full night of restorative sleep, and get your immune system back up and running after so many months of masks and social distancing. And all Americans will get a 25% discount on their first order!"

Monday, December 5, 2022

Live Action Snorks Movie Begins Production After Six Year Delay.....

Los Angeles, CA - A live action version of the classic animated television series Snorks, which ran on NBC from September of 1984 to May of 1989, has finally gone into production after a delay of several years.

A controversial scene from the original Snorks cartoon where Allstar Seaworthy pays for a prostitute using clams he got from selling Mrs. Seaworthy's blue coral necklace

"This is a classic cartoon that has achieved a cult status since the initial run," executive producer Franky Mittelshmerz explained. "Eighties nostalgia is at an all time high right now, so this is the perfect time to reintroduce these classic characters and stories to a new generation of adults only...because it's going to be rated R. A hard R."

Though it never achieved quite the degree of mainstream appeal as The Smurfs, another popular 1980s cartoon based on a Belgian comic, Snorks did manage to gain fans worldwide and has continued to be a recognizable intellectual property in popular culture. Over its 65 episodes, the show took viewers to the undersea world of Snorkland, which was inhabited by a race of small and colorful sea creatures with snorkel-like appendages on their heads. The creatures could use their snorkels as a means of propulsion, and it would also make a "snork" sound whenever a snork became emotionally excited.

The cartoon was made with an audience of children in mind, so the original writing team never explored snork society beyond simplistic plots involving topics such as sharing, stranger danger, and the environmental impact of arctic oil drilling. According to Snorks director Paul Thomas Anderson, the live action version will explore the darker side of a Snorkland in decay as their deep sea world faces both economic and environmental catastrophes. "The fans of the original aren't kids anymore. They are in their forties now and I want to speak to them. So yeah, the snorks are going to be fucking...a lot."

One consistent theme in the original Snorks cartoon was the incorporation of technology similar in capability to human culture at the time, but adapted to an aquatic environment. Anderson, who previously wrote and directed such films as Boogie Nights and There Will Be Blood, is promising a raw look underneath the surface of Snorkland with a focus on how technology has resulted in a loss of true snork connection. "At this point in the snorks' lives, the only way they feel anything anymore is through drug use, violence, or going to town on each other, just snorking like crazy every chance they get. It took six years to get the CGI right, but it's going to be worth it. You know that the snorkels are their genitals, right?"

Friday, December 2, 2022

Invertebrate Research Reveals Clue to Evolutionary Origins of the Chiropractic Subluxation.....

San Diego, CA - Researchers studying members of an extant animal species with a link to the distant past, specifically a chordate subphylum consisting of organisms with a complex nervous system but lacking spinal bones, may have uncovered a new clue to the early development of the spinal subluxation and solved one of the greatest mysteries in chiropractic science.

Subject hagfish #11, shown here demonstrating several chiropractic subluxations, signed up for weekly adjustments at Dr. Grimes' clinic after completion of the study

“One of the toughest challenges we face in the field of chiropractic developmental neurobiology is the origin of the subluxation from an evolutionary perspective,” Chet Masterson, a chiropractic evolutionary biologist and Chief of Veterinary Neurobiology in the Cleveland Clinic’s Integrative Animal Wellness department, explained. “Are we alone in the universe? What is consciousness? How does a thermos keep hot things hot and cold things cold? When and how the subluxation evolved is right up there with these questions.”

The most widely accepted hypothesis, which started with Daniel David Palmer in 1895, is that the development of the chiropractic subluxation was fully dependent on the evolution of a bony vertebral column and its accompanying musculature. In other words, if the subluxation is the egg, and the spine is the chicken, the man who discovered chiropractic believed that the chicken came first. And the vast majority of the men and women who have followed in his footsteps would agree.

But like Galileo, Semmelweis, and Boyardee, some chiropractors have pushed back against the accepted consensus on the origin of the subluxation. Some practitioners, like Invertebrate Chiropractors Association (ICA) President Frank Grimes, believe that the subluxation existed as a standalone entity prior to the evolution of the spine in vertebrate species. “I don’t care if it’s a ventral nerve cord or a nerve net, if there is a series of interconnected neurons transferring information from one end of an organism to the other, then that organism is at risk of developing a subluxation.”

Invertebrate chiropractors like Grimes claim that the stiff segmented column and mobile intersegmental joints observed in many vertebrates, a classification of animals which experts now believe includes thousands of distinct species, such as the South American maned wolf and the flying dugong, evolved as a protective mechanism. The development of this internal biological armor, one made of bone and tough connective tissue, improved survival and increased procreative success by reducing the incidence of subluxations in the vulnerable dorsal nerve cord. This allowed vertebrates, in particular humans and to a lesser extent the river dolphin, to achieve dominion over all the Earth.

Subluxations, according to over a century of direct observation and a few years’ worth of case reports in the medical literature, have been pragmatically linked to the entire spectrum of human pathology as well as decreased energy in Shetland ponies. But Grimes, who has a diverse practice that includes nematodes and arthropods, as well as a variety of traditional vertebrate species such as humans and blue whales, believes that subluxations can also lead to health problems in invertebrates. “Just last week I treated a jellyfish with a severe tentacle length discrepancy that just kept swimming in circles.”

Grimes and other invertebrate chiropractors believe that the subluxation existed prior to the spine, that the egg came before the chicken. In order to put this hypothesis to the test, researchers near the Scripps Research Institute in San Diego attempted to locate subluxations in hagfish. Hagfish, also known as slippery devils, are members of a subdivision of the chordate phylum that are the only vertebrates to have a brain, skull, and spinal cord without a vertebral column.

Modern hagfish are believed to have changed little over the past 300 million years and likely represent an evolutionary stage just prior to the development of spinal bones. Discovery of subluxations in the hagfish spinal cord would be solid evidence that subluxations predated the spine. But extraordinary claims require some pretty good evidence.

“Our goal was to determine if subluxations were truly present in the hagfish using techniques that reduced the risk of false positive findings,” lead researcher Amanda Giggelman, who rents a house just a few miles from Scripps and had room for tanks in her basement, revealed. “We couldn’t just palpate the hagfish to detect subluxations because they don’t have a spine. So we developed a new diagnostic modality based on ancient wisdom and existing NASA technology that is both simple and cutting edge.”

Once a method of accurately locating subluxations in the hagfish spinal cord was implemented, the research team began to see results. What started as a slow trickle of subluxations soon became a maelstrom, and the study actually had to be ended early when it became clear that randomizing additional hagfish into the control group would no longer be ethical. The evidence was compelling and, spine or no spine, the animal kingdom in its entirety deserved to know the truth.

The vast majority of animal species on this planet, with some estimates as high as 97%, are invertebrates. We now have strong evidence that they not only share a common ancestor with humans and other vertebrates, but that they share a similar weakness. So the next time you look at a mosquito or a roundworm, a lobster or a sea squirt, instead of focusing on all the things that make us different, focus on our shared evolutionary history. And while you’re at it, recommend a good chiropractor.

Thursday, December 1, 2022

Exotic Large Animal Chiropractic: A Calling That Isn't for the Faint of Heart.....

Stoneham, MA -As Frank Grimes approaches the 10,000 pound African bull elephant, he knows three things to be true. Albert the elephant, Crusher to many of the zoo's staff, has been a star at the Stone Zoo in Stoneham for more than a decade. Based on a subtle change in Crusher's gait and a pained expression during routine activities, Grimes knows that he is hurting. He knows that the cause of the elephant's pain is the misaligned spinal bone that his experienced hands had felt during an exam the previous day. 

A large animal chiropractor, shown here adjusting a misaligned spinal bone in an injured elephant using gentle pressure with the same amount of force you might use when checking a tomato for ripeness, or your eye for a CIA microchip implanted while your were sleeping

Grimes, a veteran exotic large animal chiropractor who has worked on hamsters, elephants, and practically every species in between over the past thirty years, also knows that he has the skills to provide relief. This is why he had arranged a follow-up meeting with Crusher's trainers to discuss his exam findings and propose a treatment plan. Now, with only inches between man and beast, Grimes hopes that Crusher won't live up to the nickname given to him by zoo staff after an unfortunate encounter with a storage shed a few years ago. 

This particular massive mammal, one of the largest to walk on land since the days of the giant rhino some 20 to 30 million years ago, is sedated and zoo staff are close by. But the risk to Grimes is very real. In August, an exotic large animal chiropractor who had stopped to help an injured Burmese python was suffocated and dragged into the brackish waters of Everglades National Park. The American College of Animal Chiropractors (ACAC) says that for every animal chiropractor injured or killed by a patient each year, thousands if not millions of corrective spinal adjustments won't be performed on ailing household pets and zoo animals across the country.

Whether Grimes is experiencing any anxiety isn't readily apparent. His eyes remain fixed on the elephant's enormous back as he closes the remaining distance and begins to apply steady, specific, and expertly calculated pressure on the spine. Later, over a glass of Sam Adams Lobster Lager at a nearby pub, he would walk me through his process. "I don't really see an elephant, a tiger, or even a basking shark when I'm working. I see a spine. I see the problem with the spine and then my training takes over."

The problem that Grimes and the dozen or so certified exotic large animal chiropractors in the United States see is known as a subluxation, and they aren't unique to large mammals. They aren't even unique to vertebrate species. In fact, research in hagfish on the origins of the subluxation has found evidence that their existence predates a bony spine. 

But what is a subluxation? According to Grimes, who has a habit of drinking a lot as a way to deal with crippling anxiety, a subluxation has a precise definition that is universally accepted by true experts:

A subluxation is a complex of functional and/or structural and/or pathological articular changes that compromise neural integrity and may influence organ system function and general health. I have that tattooed on my left ass cheek. No, my left. 

Chiropractors undergo rigorous training in the diagnosis and treatment of subluxations, which can cause everything from a sore back to death, and animal chiropractors attend at least a few additional conferences before applying for certification. According to Grimes, virtually 100% of the human and animal population has at least one subluxation at all times, even if they feel fine. "Yeah, it's best to get rid of 'em while they are still dormant. But you should talk to a chiropractic coroner. Those guys only call the news when a corpse doesn't have an active subluxation! I'm just yanking your spine. That's a little chiropractic humor."


A humpback whale, shown here writhing in pain because of a blowhole spasm caused by a subluxation in the thoracic spine

After performing a spinal adjustment on Albert the elephant, the one whose friends call him Crusher, Grimes walks away breathing a sigh of relief. He announces to the gathered zoo personnel that he thinks he got the subluxation but warns them that without frequent maintenance care it is likely to recur. An exotic large animal chiropractor has to focus on the wins in order to keep going, and today was definitely a win. Crusher seems to agree as he walks over to his water trough without a hint of a limp according to Scott Walker, the Zoo's Senior Veterinarian. "Yeah, I think so. I really think maybe he's more comfortable."

Exotic large animal chiropractors know that every patient encounter could be their last. They tend to take things one day at time and to not waste a lot of energy on dreams. They are practical and hardened against the realities of the profession. 

As we wrap up our interview and Grimes asks the bartender for a to go pint, he allows just a bit of what might be hidden beneath his tough outer shell to peek out like a shy turtle during a chiropractic evaluation. "My dream is that one day there won't be any humpback whales swimming in our oceans. Just...whales. Just healthy whales."