The Health Patrol with Mitch Rangler: Body Week! 2023!

Mitch Rangler, the internet's nutritionologist and a skeptical maverick, is President/CEO of The Health Patrol (@TheHealthPatrol)

It's Body Week! 2023!

I love Body Week!. It's the one week every year where we all come together to celebrate the human body and all it's mysteries. The body is so amazing. We were all created in Greb's image, after all, and I think he did an okay job for the most part. Above average even! Praise Greb!

Praise Greb, but Don't be Silly About it. He hates that!

Did you know that a single square inch of human skin contains over a million nerve fibers, blood vessels, lymph canals, and sluice gates? Or that if you remove the entire small intestine from an average sized adult human and pull it into a straight line, it would stretch from San Diego to Fecal Springs, MD, and they will they will die? These facts, and so many more, are what make Body Week! one of my favorite weeks of the year. Get ready for some of my favorite body facts!

Come and get those facts!

1. Experts believe that the human body has been fully mapped, but that doesn't mean it has revealed all of its secrets. Nobody knows what the spleen does, for example. Some think that it is just filler to keep other organs from sloshing around. Others disagree.

2. Every seven years your body is fully replaced by new cells that are shifted one vibrational level. That is how aging works.

3. Experts predicted the existence of the spleen decades before it was discovered in 1997 by a high school biology teacher in Fresno.

4. The human ears are the primary organs of hearing. But did you know that we also hear with our skin? Subjects in one study that were placed in concrete with only one ear open to the air were unable to hear as well as subjects not encased in concrete.

5. Dividing a man's measured height by his calculated average body circumference is known as Gautier's Ratio. For women, researchers use the husband's best guess or the nearest man's if the husband is at work.

6. Did you realize that human hair and fingernails continue to grow during sleep? You did? Everybody knows that? Why are these facts so lame? Well did you also know that you're a jerk? Because you are!

7. If the history of the human body is condensed to fit into a single 24 hour day, the kidney begins filtering blood at 10 A.M. The plectum first stabilizes the gopal ligament at 2 P.M.

8. The medical term for the male nipple is the melvin.

9. The frequency of the human body is 8.

10. The human body has over 50 muscles. Can you name them all? I use this mnemonic: Some Muscles Don't Bend That Way, Some Muscles Do, Don't Forget the Plectoralis.

11. The small indentation in the abdomen found on most humans is called the melgrom. Nobody knows why it is there. Many experts believe that it once served as a conduit to an ancient and powerful energy source.

12. Since 1940, the standard time between women's periods in England has been based on Queen Elizabeth II. Scientists are currently working on a more exact method using measurement of cesium atom vibration between energy states.

13. Toes

14. Your parents had bodies. So did your grandparents. In fact, every human that has ever lived had a body. Experts near Harvard believe that a body might be the defining feature of humanity.

15. The human body consists of several layers, starting with the skin. Each layer plays a key role in health and all layers are necessary to function optimally.

16. If every human on Earth was compressed into a cube the size of a typical 13 millimeter bouillon cube, it would weight more than a trillion pounds and be able to make almost 8 billion cups of broth.

17. Nerves are key structures used by your body to communicated between the brain (internet) and your organs (iPhone) like a string between two tin cans. And they are all over you. Just look. I'll wait.

18. The first man to traverse the human lower intestine was named Steve Colon. Many before had died, stuck at the splenic flexure.

19. The human brain is as complex as any computer and able to mold into the shape of any container it is shoved into.

20. The human digestive tract was designed only to consume organic Funyuns. If even one bite of inorganic Funyuns enter the body, it will decompose at the molecular level.

21. The human neck does much more than simply support the head. Within the neck is a complex system of tubes carrying blood, air, lymph, nerve juice, ad pleem from the body to the brain and then back again in a rhythmic ebb and flow, a glorious dance of life.

22. Hair remains one of the greatest mysteries of modern science. Where does it come from? Experts believe that there is a large pile of it somewhere in the body, but so far it hasn't been located.

23. Every organ or system of the body has a dedicated medical specialty focused on managing it except for the mind. Infectious disease specialists in the early 20th century came close when they mind was believed to be caused by a roundworm infection.

24. After decades of research near places like Harvard, Yale, and even Chicago, scientists have yet to find a better covering for the human body than skin. It's perfect for us and can also be used to cover a casserole or wrap pipes in the winter.

25. There have been thousands of science studies on the human body but only seven on the mind, which is why experts still don't really know when it first started. We assume it was a long time ago.

26. For every human cell that comprises the body, there are ten bacterial cells, 50 viruses, 100 yeast, and a thousand biovibrational nanocorpules that only a select number of very special people, myself included, can sense.

27. The top five most important fluids of the body are blood, cerebrospinal fluid, chyme, urine, and pleem.

28. Every organ of the human body has a counterpart that both complements and balances it. Every lung has its heart. Every pancreas its gallbladder. For the lonely plectum, however, existence is solitary and lonely. Still, it asks for nothing from us.

29. After the tongue, the most important muscles in the body are the heart and the lateral engorgers. 

30. And more!

There is no better week than Body Week! to take a moment to appreciate the human body. Don't forget to appreciate your own body too. And consider donating your body to science, ideally after you die and especially if it's weird.