Atlanta, GA- A newly published CDC study on the sexual habits of adolescents comes as a bit of good news in these dark times. Though thousands of Americans continue to die every day from COVID-19, with many more facing an uncertain future after becoming infected with the novel coronavirus, fewer teenagers are being followed by shape shifting sex demons.
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| A group of American teenagers, shown here celebrating both a freedom from all personal responsibility and their invulnerability to all disease, trauma, and general life dissatisfaction. |
"This really is great news," Mort Fishman, a doctor of clinical demonology and lead author of the study, explained. "But it's not a reason for anyone under the age of 25 to let their guard down. Remember that when you sleep with someone, you are sleeping with everyone that they ever slept with, and it only takes one asshole with a sex demon problem to ruin your chances of going to a good college."
The new research found that 1 in 50 teenagers were stalked by a vengeful sex demon at least once in the past year, which is a 30% decline from a decade ago. Experts, like Fishman and his colleagues near Harvard, say that the reason for the decline in these events, known as "followings", is unclear. "Perhaps it's a change in sexual behavior. We've also seen fewer teen pregnancies, for example. But maybe the entities have just been more successful, and dead kids don't respond to surveys. I love my job."
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