New York - The phenomenal success of direct-to-consumer mass media advertising in increasing the public awareness of new medications, as well as in boosting the number of prescriptions written for them, has helped make billions in profits for the pharmaceutical industry. Despite this, industry leaders are raising concerns that this approach has reached a point of diminishing returns. In response, New York-based pharmaceutical company Phizer Inc. announced today during a meeting with investors that they plan to "evolve and expand" their promotional efforts in order to improve market visibility and profit margins.
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| Six proprietary infants genetically modified by Phizer to secrete a specific treatment for moderate to severe plaque psoriasis |
"Frankly, I don't know why we didn't think of this sooner," Phizer CEO Albert Bourla explained. "There are so many children out there without parents or homes, and who haven't yet been named by the state-run facilities where they are stored. Product plugs are vital to our sales so we have worked out a deal where everybody wins!"
After holding newly christened 1-year-old former orphan twins Lipitor and Lyrica Phizer aloft to the throng of reporters at a press conference held after today's meeting, Bourla revealed the company's plans to purchase unwanted infants and toddlers for use in the new program. "Once legal ownership of the children is acquired by Phizer, our recruits will undertake a rigorous curriculum so that by age 5 they will be capable of discussing the fantastic benefits and minimal side effect profile of their namesake in detail with their friends' parents, daycare workers, or any random stranger within a 10-foot radius."
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