New York - The United States District Court for the Southern District of New York has announced indictments against several physicians participating in a statewide bribery scandal involving the inflation of newborn infant assessment scores in exchange for money, cars, vacation homes, and numerous other high value payments.
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| Newborn baby Ramp Hammelstein, shown here being informed that his 5-minute Apgar score was 7, faces a life of manual labor with minimal if any contribution to society. |
"For a few thousand dollars or a trip to the Seychelles, these doctors were giving sometimes two or even three extra points on a newborn's Apgar scores," U.S. Attorney Audrey Strauss revealed. "This might make the difference between admission to a premier daycare, with a successful future practically guaranteed, and being dropped off at a KinderCare."
According to Dr. Mort Fishman, a newborn specialist at Amazon's Employee Delivery Warehouse, the Apgar score was developed in 1952 by a committee of educational professionals, labor and delivery nurses, hospital administrators, concerned parents, and the Senate Health, Education, Labor, and Pensions Committee. "The baby is evaluated on five simple criteria using a scale from 0 to 2. After adding up the five results, that total is then multiplied by one and translated into a narrative description of the child's potential. It really couldn't be simpler."
Brilliant!
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