The Health Patrol with Mitch Rangler: You'll Eat More Tapioca if You Know What's Good for You.....

Mitch Rangler
A fully apprenticed Nutritionologist and President and CEO of The Health Patrol, Mitch is passionate about tapioca, tapioca based products, and preparing for the End of Days when Greb will return to chastise us for our iniquities

It seems like every year there are more and more "superfoods" being added to the list of stuff to shove down your gullet. But what even is a kumquat? And what aisle can I even find them on at the Shop and Cram on Avenue C? They sound ethnic and that's scary.

Ethnic food is scary!

For as long as I can remember, I've had a piping hot serving of tapioca every day that I've been alive. And I haven't died yet! But this ancient miracle of modern nutrition isn't a "superfood". What? That's right! Tapioca is the world's greatest ultrafood, which is even better if you asked me. And you did, or else you wouldn't be reading this post. That was a little joke to lighten the mood and to let you know that I'm a regular guy just like you and there isn't any reason not to trust me.

Trust Mitch Rangler!

When I first learned about the healing powers of tapioca, I was skeptical. I didn't fall off the turnip truck yesterday! That happened in 1927 during the Belvidere Boll Weevil festival and I've still got the scar to prove it. I'll never forget that night, or the way that Glandine Watkins nursed me back to health under the light of the full moon. We both had so much turnip wine! Sometimes I wonder what happened to her, and how different my life would be now if she hadn't joined up with that hillbilly circus what came through town the following Spring. I assume she's dead, on account that she was almost 60 at the time.  

Glandine is probably dead!

Usually when something seems too good to be true...great! I always tell people to trust their gut. I literally say that, like all the time. But I didn't want to swallow any BS along with my bowl of tapioca slurry. I needed to make sure that the benefits of this miraculous health marvel had been properly vetted. So, I turned to my good friend science for some answers.

Science is usually right!

Frequently Asked Questions about tapioca:

What is a tapioca?

Tapioca is the name for the starch extracted from the root of the Bolivian cave cactus, and has been a staple food for millions of people around the world for millennia. It is typically sold in the form of sticks or pearls and designated by it's quality grade. Grade A tapioca, which is widely considered to be the most healthy and delicious, is found and harvested by monkeys trained to detect its subtle scent as deep as 3 meters underground. Everything else is Grade B and is generally deemed fit for consumption only by orphans.

What are the amazing health benefits of tapioca?

Perhaps a better question is what aren't the amazing health benefits of tapioca. The answer is there aren't any that aren't. There aren't any benefits that aren't amazing and also of tapioca. Wait, that's confusing. Let me start over. Everything isn't an amazing health...wait...dammit. It has a lot of benefits. Forget that first part.

Regular consumption of tapioca improves the health of literally every cell in the human body. Every organ will function better, even the stupid ones like the spleen or the plectum. One science study proved that a human will achieve complete cellular homeostasis after only 3 servings of sprouted Grade A tapioca and there are even legends that tapioca has raised men from the dead. Only they ain't the same as before they died. Sure they look the same, sound the same, they even have the same memories. You wouldn't know they was different, but they ain't the same. They's different. 

Does tapioca contain chemicals?

Rest assured, tapioca contains absolutely no chemicals, no chemical bonds, no compounds, no synthetic materials, and not one single strand of DNA. It is the purest substance on Earth and it imparts that purity into everyone who eats of it...according to science. Maybe you can look science in the eye, the same science that gave us cars, space flight, and cars with computers in them, and tell it that you don't respect its opinion. Not me. I follow the science where it leads me.

Where can I learn more?

When it comes to complexities of human biology and nutritional interventions aimed at bringing about a state of True Health, you can always learn more. If you send a self-addressed and stamped envelope to The Health Patrol, I'll send you a copy of my newsletter and a coupon for a free corporeal resonance scan (CRS) if you spend more than $50 dollars on any goods or services.