A New Study Finds That Three Out of Every Four Colons are Haunted.....

Columbus, OH-A study published this month in the Journal of Paranormal Medicine reveals that 75% of American colons are haunted, though many are unaware of their ghostly stowaway.

A board certified gastroparapsychologist, shown here sensing the presence of a vengeful intra-abdominal poltergeist in a woman complaining of unusual feelings of movement in her lower abdomen

"We decided to finally approach the question of haunted large intestines scientifically because of the piles of anecdotal evidence we've accumulated over the years," explained Bruce Sagemiller, Project Leader of the Ohio based Paranormal Medical Research Group and expert in electronic voice phenomena (EVP). "We were surprised to find out how widespread this problem actually is, and our results have raised a lot of interesting questions."

A certified Clinical Borborygmologist, Sagemiller started by designing an airtight, skeptic proof study. After using a standard randomization technique of throwing darts at a phone book while blindfolded to identify the study population, Dr. Sagemiller made use of two separate but equally valid techniques to diagnose the presence of any phantoms or specters within the colon: cyber-dowsing and EVP. "We were extra careful because the results of many quality studies have been ignored historically because of closed-minded attacks on methodology and I didn't want something that I believe in so strongly to suffer the same fate."

Team psychic and cyber-dowser Amanda Sentelle started by running her hand-bent wire dowsing rods back and forth over a computer monitor while each participant's Facebook or MySpace profile was visible on the screen. She was then able to interpret the subtle movements of the wire, weeding out subjects with clear colons. The second stage involved recording sounds emanating from the remaining subjects' abdomens and analyzing them for the presence of ghostly messages from beyond the ileocecal valve. After this confirmation, statistical analyses led to the study conclusion that three out of every four Americans have a haunted colon.

Sagemiller is now attempting to make sense of the findings. "We don't know why these spirits have chosen to dwell in our large intestines. And we don't know what, if anything, they want from us. We do suspect that their presence may play a role in a host of medical ailments, such as irritable bowel syndrome, chronic constipation, and even painful gas." A follow-up study looking at the potential benefit of exorcism in the treatment of these conditions is already underway.