Omaha, NE - Despite maintaining its position as the world's 5th most important cereal crop after rice, wheat, maize, and barley, with almost 60 million metric tons of global production every year, sorghum again ranks last in popularity among American kids aged 10 to 12 years.
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| A non-threatening group of multi-ethnic American children between the ages of 9 and 13 years, eating food in bowls, probably free-range organic sprouted tapioca or some shit |
"We were actually a bit caught off guard by the result," Sorghum Council representative Anderson Sawyer revealed. "Apparently popularity as a livestock feed in China doesn't correlate well with the perceptions of American pre-adolescent children. I guess they aren't impressed by the fact that sorghum originated in Africa and is now grown all over the world in tropical and subtropical regions, probably because they are all a bunch of racists."
The American Grain Popularity Index (AGPI), a survey that assesses attitudes toward various grains, as well as frequency of use, is sent to all American households through the postal service every five years. Thousands of house-to-house survey workers are also used to help increase the number of completed responses. This marks the third time in a row that sorghum has come in last in popularity in this demographic.
Over the past 10 years, the Sorghum Council has invested millions of dollars into improving the grain's image, with a focus on impressing those little shits who think they know everything but literally don't know anything at all about anything. This has included celebrity endorsements from Hollywood A-listers like Anne Hathaway and Adrien Brody as well as attempts at guerrilla marketing. After the disappointing results of the last survey, they even went so far as to stage the leak of a phony sex tape involving Idris Elba and a bowl of sorghum porridge. This met with widespread criticism and left many analysts puzzled as to how a phony sex tape would increase sorghum's popularity with children.
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| Earth-Subprime's Senator Marmot Ozymandius, shown here in 2028 proposing legislation that would make sorghum the official grain of the United Confederacy of Boebert |
Sorghum appears to be running out of options. Some experts, like public relations consultant Alyson Ambergris, think it may be time for what she calls the "nuclear option". "Sorghum is just not going to catch up to buckwheat. It's not going to catch up to millet, spelt, or even quinoa, which is technically a seed. That's right, they can't even compete with a fucking seed. They won't catch up by trying to look good. They need to make these other grains look bad. Like Kanye West filling up his swimming pool with barley water bad. They need to get those other grains cancelled."
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