Arlington, VA - The United States Drug Enforcement Agency is warning parents of fancy children to be on the lookout for artisanal gelato tainted with fentanyl.
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| Fancy boy Lancelot St. Blanc, shown here after a hard day at pre-school where he played with a hand-carved wooden puzzle imported from Germany and napped while listening to Vivaldi |
"The dealers are adapting," DEA Administrator Anne Milgram, explained. "They are expanding their plans for targeting children, now by focusing on those fancy kids with oddly adult preferences and attitudes. You know, the weird kids whose parents are terrible and say things like, "Our sweet little Juniper has an old soul. The ones who like to watch Masterpiece with Grandma while she does her knitting. Yeah, those kids."
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| A selection of organic, non-GMO gelatos containing enough fentanyl to kill every fancy child in Pittsburgh |
In the United States, the word gelato is typically associated with artisanal Italian ice cream made with more milk than cream and no egg yolks, giving it a denser consistency and a richer taste. According to forensic culinary pathologist Darby Philbin, gelato is rooted in a unique cultural tradition. "Gelato generally contains 6% to 9% butterfat, less air than standard American ice creams, and no fentanyl. Frankly, any non-zero ratio of fentanyl to fat is problematic."
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