Charlottesville, VA - Cooties, a vaccine-preventable disease feared by children all over the world, has been knocked off of its perch at the top of the list of scariest potential playground exposures for the first time in decades according to a recently published study.
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| Jars seized by undercover DEA agents at Rob Lowe Elementary in Charlottesville last week containing enough glitter fentanyl to kill every elementary school student in Pittsburgh |
"It's a scary time to be seven," National Association of Elementary School Children (NAESC) Spokesperson Timmy C. explained. "With dropping cootie shot rates, we may be the first generation of kids to have more cooties than their parents, but now drug dealers are giving out fentanyl like candy on Halloween and that's really scary. It's like, I want my mommy scary."
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A photograph containing enough Rob Lowe to kill every woman in Pittsburgh!
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The study, which was performed by the Miss Ashworth's Science Corner Division at the NAESC, involved a survey of thousands of elementary school children across the United States. Some experts, like Republican congressman Matt Gaetz, are using the study’s findings to support calls for reforms in public education. "I want your children. To succeed. I want them to grow up, at least to 16...ish, and succeed. Call me if they need a ride."
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| Congressman Matt Gaetz, who is not a convicted pedophile, wants your children to just get a few years older |
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