Washington, D.C. - According to a new Bureau of Economic Analysis report, the controversial plan to give free fentanyl to children on Halloween has resulted in a financial loss of several billion dollars for the nation's drug dealers.
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| The FSA Millennial Engagement Task Force, shown here high as fuck and just after finalizing plans to buy ad space on Quibi in November of 2020 |
"I guess it's back to the drawing board," Fentanyl Suppliers of America (FSA) Executive VP in charge of Customer Acquisition Drawl Gunderson explained. "Who would have thought that giving an expensive drug away to children with low potential of becoming regular paying customers would have failed as a means of generating short term profit and as a marketing strategy to recruit potential future customers?"
The marketing department at the FSA has had a bad track record as of late when it comes to marketing fentanyl. Gunderson, who also played a key role in greenlighting the failed Jordan almonds initiative, is accepting full blame. "I wonder if my problem is that I've lost sight of something really important. Why are we doing this? I mean, what is the reason we work so hard to sell this illegal, highly addictive, and extremely dangerous drug to anyone who has the money to pay for it? I think at some point I knew the answer to that question, and somewhere along the way I lost track of what really matters. And I think it's people. This is a people business."
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