Toddler Experts Release Long Awaited Update to Dietary Guidelines.....

Washington, D.C. - A committee consisting of experts from USDA Jr. and HHS Kidz! has released a long awaited update to the Dietary Guidelines initially unveiled in 2020.

Two members of the Midmorning Snack Task Force, shown here discussing a recent study published in Highlights High Five Magazine on the benefits of eating chicken nuggets at every meal

"The 2020-2025 Dietary Guidelines were confusing in a few important areas," 5-year-old USDA Jr. dietician Li'l Mortie Fishman explained. "Hopefully this update will provide more than a morsel of clarity when it comes to preparing meals for children. I said morsel. Do you get it? Because I don't. I'm this many years old.*"

Every five years, the U.S. Departments of Health and Human Services and Agriculture combine their efforts to update and release a set of Dietary Guidelines based on the latest science in the fields of nutrition and human health. According to Fishman, who recently went a full month without wetting the bed and turned his stars in for trip to the National Zoo, these guidelines have not always taken input from children aged 2 to 5 years into account. "There were a lot of unanswered questions that left many of us overtired while trying to work out a meal plan with our mommies, daddies, or the 20-year-old German girl who lives in our guest room and takes me to the park."

After a lengthy series of contentious sessions between Cocomelon and midmorning snack time, the members of the committee have recommended the following 8** additions to the Dietary Guidelines:

1. No more putting raisins in things, and limit raisins as a solo snack to no more than once a week

2. Chicken nuggets are an acceptable daily dinner, especially if paired with ketchup and you let me squirt the ketchup

3. No! Mac & cheese. I want mac & cheese!

4. It's mine. Noooo! It's mine!! I want it!!!

5. Some foods belong on the floor or in my hair, that's just science.

6. To date, no randomized controlled trials support the belief that eating dessert first will spoil dinner.

7. I don’t want it. No! No carrots!! I hate you stupid mommy.

8. Just mush everything all together.

*At this point in the conversation, Li'l Mortie held up four fingers with his left hand and then added the thumb after some gentle prompting from his mother. 

**Eight is as high as the expert committee could count at the time.